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| Subject: Pokemon: Trainwreck |01| Spork Sun Dec 02, 2012 2:47 pm | |
| - Quote :
- I sighed as I stared up at the cloudless sky. Where could he be? N said that he would come back...but...it's been 5 years.
Oki: For those of you who don't know, this fic was started way before Black and White 2 came out. N didn't leave for five years, he returned to Unova after two years had passed. While I can't really berate the writer on this, she kind of jumped the gun by listing the years that had passed by. - Quote :
- The only people I can talk to are Cheren and Bianca, and Black and Blade
Oki: Who's Blade? Fang: I don't know about you, but I'm imagining this bad ass:-which would admittedly make this marginally more interesting. - Quote :
- over the Xtransceiver. I try and call N, but he never picks up.
I think about this everyday, becoming weaker and weaker. I actually find myself loosing battles more often. I didn't think that one boy would distracted me so much. Oki: ...You know, every one of my friends and I know that if a loved one left me, I'd yearn for them to come back but...not to this extent. Not to the point of self pity. That's...that's just really, really messed up right there. Five years of a life wasted on yearning for someone to come back.Fang: Yes, but that, what you just described, is a natural reaction to a loved one leaving, especially someone you view in a romantic light. It's what most people would feel. What this character just described? That's not something someone who would partake in a healthy relationship would feel if their loved one left for a long period of time with no communication between the two. This girl would be the kind of person who'd say things like "I'd die if you left me" or "I don't know what I'd do without you" which are emotionally entrapping to the opposite party in the relationship. - Quote :
- Flashback
"I’m just so lost…my life has been terrible so far…and I thought I was doing what’s right." He started. "I just want to go out into the world and help people and pokemon alike now, to make up for my mistakes." He released Zekrom out to the sky, flying next to the cliff. Oki: Correct me if I'm wrong, but did N once whine about his life before he left? I don't believe he did. In fact, I believe I recall him giving a rather empowering speech to the player about how the player should keep following their dreams and keep moving forward.
While he does want to correct his mistakes, he actually seems to accept that he's made them and wants to change. Thus, why he left in the first place.Fang: The impression I got was similar to yours, in that N wanted to go out and view more of the world and how people and Pokemon interacted with each other - not just those that were abused. I don't know how this writer got the self-pity and whining out of it.Oki: So I am left to question why everyone seems to take what they want out of that scene or twists it entirely to bend to their will.Fang: I don't even know. I'm just as baffled as you. - Quote :
- "What are you doing N?"
"Leaving."
"No! Please don’t!" I pleaded. I grabbed onto his white jacket and cried. The thought of him leaving was too much. "I-I love you."
"I love you too, Oki: When did this sudden love thing come out of nowhere? I mean, I know it's really, really easy to go about inserting one's self into the silent protag and act like this is all love but...you know, there's nothing there to make me...believe it.Fang: But Oki, you're forgetting, that would take time and effort! We can't have that now can we? Never mind the fact that a good way to go about this, if you had the patience and the motivation to finish anything, would have been to first make a series progressing the protagonist's and N's growing feelings up to the point he left and then make this series as a sequel where the protagonist now has to move on.
But again, that'd require work and effort. Apparently most fanfiction writers realize that if it's easy than you're doing something wrong. - Quote :
- but I need to do this, but I’ll be back. I promise, just for you." He said, allowing a tear to fall down his face as well. I let go of his shirt slowly and stood there as I watched him climb on the black dragon. We didn’t stop looking at each other until he was far away, and Zekrom flew faster with his jet like tail.
"I won’t forget you N." End of Flashback Oki: This is already so cheesy, you could have nachos with it.Fang: .... I disown you for stealing my line before I had a chance to say it! |:<Oki: - Quote :
- I haven't forgotten him. I kept that promise, I always will. But what hurts is what he said...
'I promise, just for you.' He promised...so far he broke it. Oki:
Oki: You spend five years of your life wasted on waiting for him to come back and then suddenly decide 'nope, he broke his promise!' without really...giving more of a reason other than he hasn't come back, solely for you.
In my view, that's really selfish. He's attempting to right his own wrongs and all you can think about is "WHY ISN'T HE HERE WITH ME?!
Fang: Apparently the protagonist (what the fuck even is her name?) thinks that it's all about her. As you said that's really selfish and she's missing out on the idealized version of love that most strive for, that being "if you love something enough set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be."
- Quote :
- I shook those thoughts out of my head, and entered the amusement park in Nimbasa. I've came to Nimbasa City everyday ever since N left, just to look at the Ferriswheel. Of course I wouldn't ride it, especially since I had no one to ride with; Bianca would be too awkward and Cheren would be too boring.
Oki: ...
Oki:
- Quote :
- "Hey Sonny, I see your back." I looked over to see Elesa, the city's gym leader.
"Yeah, that shouldn't surprise you." I said. "He still hasn't come back...has he?" Oki: Of course not! Why else would she be in a worse state, longing for someone to come back who clearly has issues himself that HE'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO FIX WHEREAS YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE YOUR OWN!
Fang:
- Quote :
- I sighed, hiccuping every word, trying to hold in my tears. "No...of course not! He probably found some other beautiful girl!" So, you're saying you're beautiful? Cause I have no inkling on what you look like. I yelled. I took the tiara he gave me out of my bag and stared at it, remembering when he gave me this and the Luvdisc.
Fang: Why did he give you a tiara?!
Oki: Hey! Luvdisc! Sounds a lot like Luvdisc Lullaby~. Fang wrote me that one shot~. Course the reference would end up in someone else's fic!
Fang: Oh, God damnit! Now my beautiful, thought out idea is tainted!
Oki: Feel my pain with every Pokemon idea that I make! It always ends up in someone else's fic!
Fang:
- Quote :
- Flashback Fuck your flashbacks
I walked into the room that I would call…um…one of a kind…and sighed. I don’t see why N would play with a toy train at all. Oki: Why is that strange to you? There are grown men and women who love train models. Why does N having one seem like such a big deal?
Fang: .... *blatantly hugs her Chocobo, Chimchar, Roronoa Zolo, and Cloud Strife plushies*
- Quote :
- I looked around and saw a deflated basketball with ‘Harmonia’ written on it.
‘There’s a reason why he wanted me in here.’ I thought, looking around more, before I found a note on a table with a neatly wrapped box. ‘Sonny, I’m sure the Shadow Triad member told you to visit in here before our battle. I just wanted to give you this present before the battle and to let you know that I do still care for you, even if I win, and I care for you now as you’re reading this, no matter how I’m acting toward you. It’s just that…like I said, you’re special and I’ll never love someone as much as I love you, my queen.
~N’ Fang: Are... are you for serious right now, author? Did you really go there? Did you not think, perhaps, that the reason one of the Shadow Triad members sent you to N's room was to see how he grew up? How he was a little messed up even by his childish room alone? You mention only the train set and the basketball, but that's not odd at all - it's everything in that room that is childish and associated with children and innocence that make his room eerie. How you completely miss the point of that room and how it's set up, even with the music-box BGM, is beyond me!
Oki: That room still terrifies me. I don't like going in there...Naturally, I blame Dio for allowing me to go in there. Cause I can.
But the concept, yea, it really showed how N lived and that was supposed to have a deep and unsettling meaning toward the players. Though, knowing how most of the players use maybe a quarter of their brain, no wonder it's always screwed up in fan fiction.
- Quote :
- I placed the neatly written note in my bag, for memories, and opened the box. I took the cover off and moved the inside tissue paper, revealing the gift. Two objects; a pokeball, probably holding a pokemon inside, Nooo, fuckin' really? and a small tiara. It was beautiful, silver, covered with diamonds.
Fang: I have a question; what is it with Suethors and everything being gem encrusted or 'covered in gems?' Just because its expensive doesn't mean it's better, it just means it cost a load of money. I'd much rather get something more meaningful that would show that my significant other/romantic interest/whatever paid attention to the things that I liked, like a new book or a little trinket that'd make me think of him whenever I looked at it.
- Quote :
- I smiled at the sweet gift, Expensive does not equal sweet![/i] but what was in the pokeball? I took it, almost opening it, but another note was taped to the box under the pokeball.
‘Sonny, I hope you like the tiara, I found it and it reminded me of you. I think it belonged to my mother. And please, don’t open the pokeball until I see you next. I want to be with you when you see it. ~N’ End of Flashback Fang:
- Quote :
- "Now Sonny, how do you know that he's not on his way right now, ready to embrace you like he did years ago. Would you be ready for that?"
"Yes!! Yes I would! I just wasn't ready for him to leave!" I yelled placing the tiara back in my bag. Fang: It really bothers me about how blasé this girl is with this diamond encrusted tiara that would have cost a load of money. She doesn't bat an eye about how expensive it must have been and I know for a fact that if I had received anything costly like that from someone I would feel a little bashful, a little bad even for all that money spent. I felt that way when a crush tried to give me a gold necklace with a little portrait trinket of the Greek Goddess Athena and I even felt that way when Oki got me my scanner for a present.
Oki: It really is rather awkward. I don't know if it's just us or how we grew up, but I don't really like taking things from people and I end up feeling really, really bad if I don't get someone something back.
- Quote :
- "He told me that he didn't want to loose me! The only way I would move on is if he doesn't come back!"
"Then why haven't you yet?" Elesa asked. "It's been 5 whole years...maybe...maybe you should except that it's time to move on. Take your love for N and give it to someone else." Oki: I like how the author is completely aware that her own self insert is obessessing over this (yea, I had a glance at her profile Fang; she uses the name 'Sonny' for everything, even her own nickname). It really kinda shows what kind if person she is.
Fang: Oh... Oh, God....
- Quote :
- At this point I cried. "I-I can't!!" I cried with my face in my hands. "N is s-special!! He's mine, and I-I'm his!"
Oki: The whole 'he's mine and I'm his' arguement; I can see Dio thinking that; I can even see Emmet kind of thinking that. But I can't really see N being bold enough to think that way. I really can't.
Fang: The thing that bothers me a lot is that whenever I see the "I'm his/He's mine/She's mine/I'm hers" thing in fanfiction it's rarely written in a cute-sy way like it should be. It comes across as totally possessive or obsessive like it is now which is not healthy. I mean, it's not that hard to manage, I even managed to sneak it in one of our roleplays with Shadow telling Grimsley "Everyone else can have you later", there are ways of using possessive situations or phrases and making them cute or charming given the situation.
Granted, yeah, you can be in an unhealthy relationship in reality and it could work out fine for both parties but people around them would notice and say something about it - actions would be taken againt it even if the couple in question don't do anything correct the behavior. In fics like this no one's going to be bothered to point out how utterly obssessed the protag is, I guarantee it.
- Quote :
- "You would be his if he asked you to go with him." Elesa said, making me realize that that was probably the truth.
Oki:
Oki: Just because someone goes away doesn't mean that THEY DON'T LOVE YOU! OH MY GOD! FANG! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE 'IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO', THING?!
Fang:
- Quote :
- "I would say you're right...but I don't wanna except that." I said.
"Sometime's the truth hurts..." She said placing a hand on my shoulder. "I-I know..." I sighed. Oki/Fang:
- Quote :
- "Get your mind off of him...why don't you go have fun? Explore some more!"
"I've done everything possible here in Unova...there's nothing left to do." Oki: There is always something to do given enough time to explore. Alder knows every corner of Unova and he still finds things to do!
Fang: She sounds like those typical lazy ass teenagers who have the money and the gas to go places or they have all of these hobbies around them to indulge in and they just choose to sit there and whine "I'm BOOOOOOORED."
- Quote :
- "Have you challenged the Battle Subway?"
"Battle Subway?" I questioned. Oki: Oh God...
Fang: I don't like where this is going.... *quietly attempts to slink away*
- Quote :
- "Hm, I'm guessing that means you've never been there." Elesa said, beginning to drag me there. "Right in the front of the city, can't miss it! I can't believe you haven't been there! You're such a great battler and-"
Oki: Get ready Fang; the praise does not end here. It keeps going, and it never stops. Ever.
Fang: Oh, God... I hate mindless praise....
- Quote :
- "Please, Elesa, stop. You beginning to make me think of Bianca."
Oki: Something kind of tells me she doesn't quite care for Bianca or Cheren otherwise she wouldn't have gone about mentioning them twice in a negative light.
Fang: And yet something tells me that Cheren and Bianca are going to act like totes best buddies to the protag anyways when and if they show up.
- Quote :
- She laughed. "I'm sorry. But this will be good for you; seven straight battles can earn you 3 battle points, and then you make it to a stop, where you can break. Then when your ready, you can continue on to 14, more battle points and so on."
"I'm surprised N didn't blow up the place." I said. Oki: That line irks me. I don't know why, but it irks me to an unbelievable level.
Fang: N. Was not. A terrorist. That was much the rest of Team Plasma acting on orders that were not given by N!
- Quote :
- "Sonny! Get your mind off of him!"
"Sorry, it was sorta of a reflex." Oki: That's not a reflex. That's called not trying.
Fang:
- Quote :
- Elesa sighed. "Anyways, if you make it to your 20th winning streak, your 21st battle will be with the Subway Bosses."
"Subway Bosses?" I tilted my head. "Find out for yourself~!" Elesa said pushing me through the doors of the building. In front of me where some stairs, which I curiously walked down. Once I was down, I was in a room with a pillar in the middle and many arched doors leading to different trains. I selected the single train, since I had no one with me to battle with. "Hello, would you like to board the single train?" "Yes please." Oki: And this has gotten boring all of the sudden. Why do writers insist putting everything that's boring in their fics?
Fang: Because they don't know how to write riveting transitional scenes. We don't even get the courtesy of what's going on on the protag's head though I'm under the impression that that's because Sonny has nothing in between her ears.
- Quote :
- "You'll need to select 3 pokemon." I took out my 6 pokeballs and selected Pikachu, Zoroark, and Piplup. The door slid open and allowed me to board the train.
Oki: Pokemon count! That's three! I swear, I count seven that she holds later on. So, three so far!
Fang:
Oki: No! I am not kidding you! This is an actual thing! I swear!
~~~ - Quote :
- I defeated the first 7 trainers easily, and got my battle points at the station. First battles I've won in a while.
Oki: For someone who says she's lost all her confidence in battling, she sure doesn't act like it considering she's won seven straight battles in a row without rest. That's not easy!
Fang: It really isn't and it's quite difficult to do on the Subway if you're Pokemon team hasn't been level grinded. Trust me, I know.
Also, suethor, if you really wanted to show us that she'd lost confidence you need to SHOW that. Jesus Christ in three days I showed Shadow opening up with Grimsley better than this bung! And I'm still convinced Shadow's development was kind of shoddy!
Oki: You really have. I think all of the characters we just wiped together for an rp have gone through more development and bonding than she's managing to do here.
- Quote :
- I decided to sit down on a bench and relax a bit, even get some water from the vending machine.
"Wow, your actually getting your confidence back!" Pikachu said. "Yeah...I guess. Maybe they were just weak trainers." Oki: ...She...she can understand her Pokemon...She can understand her Pokemon...Fang...she can understand her Pokemon...
Fang:
- Quote :
- "Well I wouldn't get your hopes too high." A voice said behind me. "The more trainers you beat, the tougher your opponent gets." I turned and saw an old man.
"I guess your speaking from experience." I said. The man nodded slightly. "I've been battling here ever since it first opened up, before the current Subway Bosses were here. It used to be their parents." Oki: God, how old is this man? How old are Ingo and Emmet...How old is Sonny?!
Fang: I always imagined Ingo and Emmet being some of the few that were up in their thirties myself.
- Quote :
- "So there's more than one?"
"Yes, two, and they're twins." He said. "I've never been able to reach them...it's a difficult task to do. But it can be accomplished." Oki: And she will. Because losing would be too difficult of a task and actually having to try again wouldn't be any fun to write. Nevermind it might bring about some form of relationship with Ingo and Emmet to become interested in why she'd try so hard. No, that would imply that this would be a good fic to read.
Fang: Which naturally means that nothing logical of the sort is going to happen. No, Sonny-Sue is so great and amazing she's just going to take them all by storm and leave them wondering how. *spits*
- Quote :
- I looked down at Pikachu. Pikachu nodded and let some sparks escape from it's cheeks. "We can do it." I smiled with determination. And as if on cue, the next train arrived, allowing passangers to get on and off. Me and Pikachu boarded this train, now aware that it would be much harder.
Oki: First chapters done! Seven more to go! So glad it's not...over one hundred...like the other fic...
Fang: Pikachu and I! Not 'me and Pikachu!' That's horrid grammar and you shoudl feel horrid!
Oki: You spelled 'should' wrong. :DFang: ... ... Son of a bitch! I'm a failure to my fellow writers everywhere!Oki: Awww, don't worry. I'll get Grimmy for you. Do you want Ingo too?Fang: .... I think I can live with Grimmy-love~.Oki: Okay, I'll have to hunt him down then~. You can go...cuddle or something while I look at this next chapter...Can we bring Emmet into the next one? Or Ingo? I want someone to suffer with us. | |
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MoonlightWonderland Marcus
PokéPartner : Posts : 312 Reputation : 49 Location : Crystal Tokyo
| Subject: Re: Pokemon: Trainwreck |01| Spork Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:01 am | |
| I am so sorry loves, how your brains havent rotted after having to review this cluster fuck of nonsense is beyond me. I honestly didnt see the point of her flash backs, and the name of suthor, sonny?! Really, i think of an old person whenever I associate that name being said to anyone. Some people honestly should have never been allowed the privilege to read, write, and defowl great ideas, and the whole point of literature. And that concludes my thoughts. Lol | |
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