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 Mission L.O.B.S. - being a vampire is great! shads love story

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Mystery
Marcus
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PostSubject: Mission L.O.B.S. - being a vampire is great! shads love story   Wed Mar 13, 2013 12:12 am

Hello~! I'm back to doing rants again~! Finally~! Now let's see what we've got here!

Quote :
shadows pov: I was watching makala prctice like she always does. Shes always pulling me outside to watch her fight to show how so called strong she is. While she was fighting dark wolfs( I have powers to make dark wolfs) She triped and fell and called time. I just smirked showing my long sharp fangs. Makala looked over at me but then went back to work. I rested under the tree with my eyes closed and tried to go to sleep and I did.

Obviously I can see that this isn't from a cliche beginning. In fact - despite how the grammar is wrong - not even a paragraph into this thing do I already see something that hints the Mary-Sue traits this girl might possess. The way she also described Shadow's long fangs is something that is obviously hinting to the title.

Quote :
*couple minutes latr*
I started to wake up cause I felt hot air on me. I opened my eyes and saw makalas dog cupcake(he's a boy and ginger a girl) breathing in my face. I got up and so did the puppy. I had to say he was pretty cute. I picked him up and cared him into the house and put him down. I walked in to the kitchen and saw a note. I grabbed it and red it.

This is getting [BEEP]'ing ridiculous already. Where's the other dog? Is there a need to describe a creature that's not even remotely there?! Don't describe another creature there if it has no importance to the story or is not even mentioned! It's just extra information! I certainly don't see Ginger!

Quote :
dear shadow
hey shads just to let you know we are at the zoo right now be back around 5:00 bye! oh and p.s. makala did not want to come so shes there.

from sonic.

... Nice note writing skills, Sonic...

Quote :
I ripped the note apart and through it on the ground. Like I care if there at the zoo. I was about to turn on the tv till I heard music. It sounded like a violine playing. It soothed me and I layed backand relaxed. I felt I was in heaven. I HAVE TO KNOW WHERE THAT MUSIC IS COMING FROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ran up stairs and stopped at makalas room. I put my ear against it and heard music. I opened the door and saw makala playing. I walked in but stepped on gingers tail.gi: MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously he must care a little if he ripped the note apart that quickly. The description of him in heaven makes me cringe though. Shadow is cold and aloof on his feet. There isn't a way he could just simply relax so easily after all he's been through in the series of Sonic X, and the comic book series. He simply wouldn't have the urge either to just get up and go to see something without a reason in mind.

And if the note said Makala was there why is she playing a violin in the room? Does she have magical teleporting powers? Are all those exclamation marks necessary?

ANSWER: HELL NO!

Quote :
She turned around and stopped playing but she also saw me.*thoughts* danm it she saw me!me: shadow what are you doing in my room?ginger: not only that why did you step on my tail!?sh: I eard music soI wanted to hear more closely so I heard it in your room and came in here to listen.me: awwwww so sweet!

... *Miyuki Processing Mode* ...

Quote :
gi: ya but not for my tail!sh: go cat! or else I'll step on your tail again!gi: ah no way! I'm going I'm going yesh!*leaves* I go over to makalas bed and layed on it.me: hey get off my bed stinky!sh: I don't stinky I smell fresh really.me: what ever get out of my bed!!!!!!sh: hmmmmm let me think... na!me: ok then.*goes over to the bed and grabs the covers* get ready for a joy ride!sh: wait...WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!me:*pulls the sheets out from under him and he falls off the bed and I get in*sh: hey I was there first!!!!!!!

Five bucks that everyone knows where this is going. Either that or that can barely read this format... This is so out of character for Shadow. I even feel bad for the Hedgehog.

Quote :
me: finders keeps losers weepers!!!!!!!sh: I'm the finder I'm the keeper your the loser your the weeper!me: ok...wait WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!sh: ha you said ok so get out!me: no! I got up and tackled her to the ground. She pushed me off and got in her bed and fell asleep. I got into bed and looked at her neck. It looked good enough to bite. I got close to her neck and licked it. I heard her gigle and so I brought my fangs and bit her. I heard her wimper in her sleep. I started sucking her blood. I drank her blood for a couple of minutes and let her go.

... *Miyuki Processing Mode* ... I-I... I just...

TIME OUT! I don't mean to delve too deep into this, but how in the world did he become a vampire?! That's not even possible in that universe because I'm pretty sure vampire's don't exist in their universe! This is just so [BEEP]'ing stupid! It's impossible! Illogical! There's not even a back story to try and back that up!

Quote :
Her blood tasted good I wanted to suck her blood again but I did not want to hurt her. put my hand on her chest and fely no heart beat. She woke up and looked at me.me: sh-shadow what happened?sh: I well um um I'll tell you later. I got up and left her room and I watched as she went back to sleep soundly like a angle.

*FLIPS A DESK* ... That's it! I'm outta here!

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