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  Celestial Brush of Sporking [Okami]: "A cry to the heavens. A cry to you. {4}"

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Okami Yammi
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PostSubject: Celestial Brush of Sporking [Okami]: "A cry to the heavens. A cry to you. {4}"   Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:06 pm

A cry to the heavens, A cry to you
Chapter 4
"Yuri-chan" Himiko called to her, a small smile on her face. Yuri put down the calligraphy brush she had been writing with, and rushed to her side.

"Yes Queen Himiko, what is it?" Yuri bowed respectfully. Himiko smiled gently.

"I must talk to you" Himiko gestured Yuri to kneel. Himiko was kneeling herself, the green leaved fan she always carried in her lap.

Why would Queen Himiko even need to bother Yuri for something? She'd send guards to fetch Yuri, none-the-less..

Yes, however that would mean that personality and realism had been taken into account.

Once Yuri had sat down, Himiko began to speak.

"Yuri, this is a very urgent matter I must speak to you about" Himiko said sternly, but there was a special kind of gleam in her eyes that Yuri could not comprehend.

Something tells me that it's really not, though.

Exactly.

"I understand that you had spent some time with Waka-san yesterday" She said a grin forming onto her face. Yuri blushed a dark shade of red, and Himiko smirked.

Why would Queen Himiko even care that she was with Waka?! Gah, these characters are spun out of character!

You know, this reminds me a lot of another high-standing lady from another world.



"May I know what you were doing yesterday?" She asked. Yuri blushed more.

"Well…when I was at the market yesterday…I ran into him, and well, I dropped the vegetables I had picked up…and he helped me…and he said he would walk me back to the palace, but I guess, he gave me a piggy back ride back to the palace…and that's it…" Yuri turned away from Queen Himiko.

"I see…is that all?" Himiko was trying to get as much information out of Yuri as she could. Yuri thought for a moment, and then remembered.

"Well, I know this doesn't count, but he considers me as a friend….he called me Yuri-chan, and I nearly fainted from excitement…and he wants me to call him Waka-kun…" Yuri's blush faded, she smiled.

No, Waka's here to banish evil, not to play with Mary-Sues...

Has anyone ever actually fainted from excitement? My suspension of disbelief has never been lower.

"I was really happy, but I was too shy…" Yuri smiled more and looked at Queen Himiko. Himiko smiled brightly.

"My lady? Queen Himiko?" Yuri asked, a startled look graced her features. Himiko smiled bigger.

The way that's phrased, it makes it sound like Yuri-Sue is speaking to more than just Queen Himiko.

"Yuri, you are in love with Waka-san aren't you? It is not just some crush, is it?"

Yuri blushed a dark color, and poked her thumbs together shyly. Her thoughts wondered.

'Am I? Am I in love with Waka-san?' Yuri looked at Himiko, who had a questionable gaze in her eyes. Yuri could not decide what to say.

"I don't know Himiko-sama" Yuri answered suddenly, not expecting it to come out like that. Himiko smiled.

Wait, you had just called her 'Queen Himiko' above, why swap back to 'Himiko-sama directly after?

How does Yuri not know if she's even in love with Waka?! Aren't people usually sure they're in love? I mean, come on!!

Normally I'd make a mention about how it's easy to confuse lust for love at points, especially early on in life but given how people like this just love to overly romanticize everything without adding a dash of realism it would be a wasted effort.

"Perhaps you will know someday Yuri, but until then…you need to think about it"

Yuri nodded, and looked down. She would have to think about this for a long time, she had not experienced love, so there for she was not sure what type of feeling it was. Yuri's thoughts snapped when she felt the ground rumble and shake.

Please tell me that this is the part where Yuri dies, ending the story?

That would be far too easy!

"W-what! W-whats going on!?" Yuri yelped as the ground began to shake more. Yuri looked at Queen Himiko, who was frightened. Himiko dropped her fan and tried to stand up. Yuri watched, as she managed to get on her feet, but fell down again.

"Himiko-sama!" Yuri exclaimed trying to reach her. Yuri froze when she heard a loud roar echo throughout the palace.

'What was that!?' Yuri thought as she looked around.

That roar means you're dead.

"Yuri!" Himiko yelled, but Yuri could not hear her over the loud crashes and noises.

'Is this an earthquake!? No! It can't be! That roar!' Yuri thought, exasperated, as she stood up shakily trying to keep herself from falling over. Yuri made her way over to Himiko trying to reach for her, but failed and fell on her back.

So she fell on her back while she reached for Queen Himiko?

For something that is supposed to be tense this is all rather bland, don't you agree?

"Queen Himiko!" Yuri yelped as she sat up. She could no longer see Himiko clearly though, instead her head spun, and she could see the world around her going black.

'N-no…' That was Yuri's last thought, before she lost conscience.

Cliffhangers, already?!

Not much of a cliffhanger if you ask me. Kind of just petered out there.

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PostSubject: Re: Celestial Brush of Sporking [Okami]: "A cry to the heavens. A cry to you. {4}"   Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:19 pm

You know, if this writer was actually interesting, she'd have someone from an entirely different culture in Yuri's situations. Someone who doesn't know anything about the formalities or in general, the culture of Japan at all.

But I suppose that would be too much work in the end of things. So coping out and coming off like a giant Weaboo would be this writers thing, apparently.

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PostSubject: Re: Celestial Brush of Sporking [Okami]: "A cry to the heavens. A cry to you. {4}"   Tue Apr 02, 2013 11:20 pm

Every time I hear the name Waka, I automatically picture Waka from Final Fantasy x...

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