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 A Reaper's Review: Death note story ch.1 finding the death love book

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Dr. Zed
Dr. Zed

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PostSubject: A Reaper's Review: Death note story ch.1 finding the death love book   Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:53 pm

Quote :
~in the shinigami releam~
So, we need an announcement to tell where we are already? Also, not to nitpick, but the way you spelled realm irks me a bit.

Quote :
It was dark, and pitch black. If a normal human from the human world were there, they couldnt and wouldn't live here. 
Thank you for pointing out the obvious, I wouldn't have a clue that humans can't live where the Shinigami are!

Quote :
Rin was sitting on some rocks looking up at the pitch black sky. For some reason, the shinigami realm got so boring for the past couple months. Rin wanted to have some fun and excitement! 
Ummm...Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first chapter/episode of the series starts off with Ryuuk being bored out of his mind since there had not been anything to hold his attention for years, not months. Are you trying to immitate the original? If that's the case, then we already know what's going to happen next!

Quote :
She sure wasn't going to get it here. All the block heads around her just gamble and bet with shinigami money. Those block heads don't know how to have fun and rin sure thought they didn't want to have fun in the first place.
" hey, Rin, stop sulking over there and come join us in a game. We'll go easy on you." one of the dead monsters said waving some good cards around.
The boys started to laugh as Rin rolled her eyes. These idiots didn't know how good of a card player she was. She made herself lose easley so she could go back to sitting on her rock. From time to time Rin had a temper and she wasnt afraid to use it.
Oh, so this Shinigami is one of those characters, the ones that are appearently good at everything they do. 

Also, I'm getting the feeling that this Rin is a copy of the other canon Shinigami Rem, just from the name.

Quote :
"you idiots, you all are so stupid, you call sitting in a circle playing with cards and throwing money back and forth to each other is fun? Hehe~ you don't know the first meaning of fun. If you want to know what real fun is, let me show you." Rin said extending her sharp shinigami girl claws.
The boys backed up a little bit, afraid of what Rin might do. She wasn't afraid to kill anyone, didn't matter who you were. You could even be related to her and she would kill you in a heart beat.
UM....I dunno if this is right or not, but isn't it kind of impossible for one Shinigami to kill another? The Wikipedia page says they can die if their time runs out or if they give a human more time to live, which is something against their purpose. None of this makes her any more believable than before, either.

Quote :
"n-now Rin, no need for fighting." the one with the ripped off half skeleton half human face said.
"what ever, I'm leaving this place. Not only is it a dump buts it's also a bore. You all and everyone else bores me here. I'm leaving to the human world." Rin said extending her bird like wings on her back flying off into the night.
Yep, sounding nearly exactly like the beginning of the series. Shinigami is bored, is offered to play a game but denies, a small conversation is held before the Shinigami leaves for the Human World. How suspenseful, yayyyy...

Quote :
/in the human world\
"Makala would you please redo the passagefor us?" the teacher asked as Makala sighs standing up looking at her book.
"the maiden heard to keep her friends beside her,rivals beside her, enemies behind her, and her love in front of her." Makala said then sat down behind Light.
"thank you Makala, that was excellent, but what would you expect from a star student? Now-" the teacher was saying and keeps talking.

First off, proper grammar, please and thank you. Second, I had a look through this author's other stuff...Nearly every character she has is named 'Makala'. Now, I made that mistake before...when I was 11, that is. It's simply confusing when something like this happens. Third...Is that 'passage' some sort of failed attempt at foreshadowing? It's pretty cliche, to say the least...

Also, is she supposed to be a clone sue off of Light? It's seeming like that so far, with her apathetic actions and apparent 'star student' status.

Quote :
Makala sighs watching the other kids around her talk and chit chat about things they weren't supposed to. The bell for school to end rang and Makala got up getting her stuff together. She looks at light as he glances at her then looks away. Makala huffs then walks outside. She walks in the school grass fixing her school sleeve then all of a sudden trips over something face planting into the ground. Makala jolts up, looking around for any kids that might have tripped her while she wasn't paying attention. Makala stands up looking around for the thing that tripped her. She looks down seeing a black book with a broken heart on it.
Was...that supposed to happen in five minutes or a few hours? Honestly, that seems almost like it happened within maybe even two minutes. And what's a school sleeve? And then there's a failed attempt at humor~!

Hah hah hah, know what's funny? I used to have a book like what she described. Never really used it besides for little haiku's for when I was bored, but seriously!

Quote :
" huh? What's this? Someone's diary maybe?" Makala asked picking the strange book up.
She looks at the book wondering what the heck it was and wondering if it was a diary.
Did you not just say that?

Quote :
Makala shrugged putting it in her backpack and running home with it. She opens the door then closes it slamming the door and locking it. She takes her shoes off and runs to her room to check out the strange book she found. She gets to her master bedroom sitting down at her desk and pulling the book from her bag. She opened it up starting to look through it as it starts thundering and lighting.
So, you think it's someone's diary...and instead of taking it to the school's 'Lost and Found' area/box/whatever, you take it. With the current logic, isn't that technically stealing?

Ah, more super fast scene changes that take more than a few minutes to happen but seem like it took two minutes~. Also, I don't remember too many high school students having a master bedroom like she seems to privileged to have. Doesn't she have, you know...a family? Wouldn't her parents have the master bedroom?

Oh joy, stereotypical atmosphere, right on cue~!

Quote :
She looks through the book skimming over it seeing blank pages. She guessed if this was a diary it was fairly new. The lighting outside cracked as the window lung open. Makala gasped as her lamp light went out. She looked around shivering scared.
Oh nooooooo~. How scary~!

Quote :
"hello? Anyone there?" she asked looking around then feeling someone tap her. She turns around seeing the face.........of a.....shinigami!
*insert girly scream here*

 Yeah, would she even know that it's a Shinigami again?

Thank goodness this hasn't seemed to have been updated since...I may just review some of this person's other stuff. We'll see~.

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