[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01

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Still Waters - Chapter One: Broken Silence

Description -

A test experiment who barely holds on to her sanity as she stumbles onto the Nightray Orphanage in Sablier. Will her Abyssal powers consume her or will a knight rescue her from her terrible curse?

... ... ... ...

This is gonna be great. I can already tell.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-1

...Okay, so that's a great start to this series.

I can already see where this is going as well. Some whiny human and or chain who hates all humans for some undisclosed reasons or 'just because'. It seems to be a staple in most Pandora Hearts fan fiction, which, at this point, is a theme that's like beating a dead horse.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-2

Oh, looks like I'm getting on the right trail here! "Wasted human life", huh?

The writer, from what I can tell, is trying to set up some form of atmosphere but instead, is coming off more like a whiny git. I suppose, in a way, she is showing regret on a 'wasting her life' but so far, we've got nothing on that other then she's whining over it to whine.

I'll give it a chance but I do think this is going to be contrived.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-3

Okay, here's the issue I have here. The author has the character wondering if 'her life was good' but it clearly states within a few sentences later that it was not.

The other issue I see is I don't recall the workers from Pandora ever mentioning experimenting on humans or chains within the series. In fact, unless dealing with illegal or in general, someone just having bad intentions (mostly of that of Vincent Nightray in the beginning), the members of Pandora seem quite supporting of each other. They do what they have to to keep themselves and their allies safe.

No where has there been a point that I can recall where one person or chain was used as a 'toy', so to speak here. If there was, I think most people would recall this.

I believe the writer is upping this to get drama into the mix, give Elliot a reason to relate or perhaps pity her since she's been 'oh so wronged'.

Once again, a very common theme in fan fiction. Most I see, despite how much structure a writer may have, do not do this kind of concept well.

If you'd like to see an example of if it more or less being done right, hope over to Gone, Gone, Gone, a Pokemon rp between myself and Fang where the Oc's are threatened and subjected to experimentation.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-44

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 Tumblr_ltylw9To891qaaihx

Yes, we get it. You hurt, all humans suck, and you're stuck in an apparent never ending darkness.

You can't hammer this into a persons head anymore than it has to be? Because now all you're really sounding is repetitive and that really doesn't help on the impression scale for this fic.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-5

You're really doing nothing but confusing the reader here and that's not a good thing. Continuing the hammer the whole 'I'm not human, what makes someone human, etc. is repetitive and does not a heavy atmosphere make.

Also, what does Zai want anything to do with you? The man would have to take some heavy interest in someone else, especially that of a possible chain. He doesn't even take interest in his own son who is -

Spoiler:

This doesn't make any sense at all. Zai wouldn't need to take interest in any outside source. I don't think this particular author has read ahead in any of the manga itself. If she has, she has blatantly ignored what Zai is actually doing.

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-6

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 Hose

How can you claim 'Who is Zai' when you've stated above that he was the man who had the most influence on your 'experimentation' apparently. What's more, why would she confuse her own name for Zai's?

I can get in a sense that she's trying to make this character lose her mind. That she's damaged in more ways than one. This writer isn't doing it correctly however. She's made more of a character who wants to needlessly kill without any true reason opposed to a character who can not control those needs due to being experimented on (I.E. - Six)

It seems more like this character doesn't even know who Zai is, only has a name and a possibly grasp of information about him and that leads her to believe that he deserves to die by her hand. The man is no saint, but there is no real evidence proving or disproving that she had direct involvement with Zai because she went from 'knowing the man' to simple 'knowing his name'.

This doesn't make a lick of sense!

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-7

And we're at that verse again! Same as the first! Again!

And it's made painfully clear here that she's taking from Oz's dilemma. Zai has viewed Oz as nothing but a 'thing' all his life, never viewed him as a son. It's blatantly obvious the writer has stolen this device and used it on her own character. Just dumbing it down so hard and shoving it down your throat that it actually hurts.

This is one of the major problems I tend to have with the in general fan fiction community when it comes to Pandora Hearts as well.

Because why not think of something good on your own when you can rip something from one character and gain pity from the rest? Makes a lot of sense, right?

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 1-8

[Spork] Still Waters [An Elliot Nightray Story] - 01 Thatssotrue_1490_1330049150

Why are you twisting Pandora so much? Why are you doing this? This is so far from canon and it just leaves the reader confused as to what's going on. We don't know what the writer did to her other than she's possibly been experimented on, others from Pandora have been experimented on, and we get no reason as to why this is happening.

Not only that, you just 'blank out' at the end of the chapter in a bid to try and finish it off, possibly because the writer couldn't find any other way to ramble about how 'humans are pathetic' and 'I must kill Zai'.

We get a brief introduction on Elliot and Leo, and I can already see that she doesn't take a huge understanding to Leo's character at all. But I suppose that'll be something I harp on in the next chapter.

Final verdict so far. I'm not impressed at all. This is all contrived bull, there's no consistency other than the writer forcing the fact that her character has been abused and experimented on throughout the entire chapter. We've seen nothing, we don't know what's going on, we don't know why Pandora suddenly has an interest in experimenting on others or even why Zai's involved in this girls life.

This is gonna be one giant mess of contrived, I can already tell.

You know, it's sad. Under the premise of an AU!fic the idea of Pandora experimenting on chains could have been interesting to read about. Especially if characters like Sharon or Gilbert found out about it. Instead it looks like that's being pissed away right quick.

You know, her insistence to keep saying "so depressing" is on par with Shikamaru Nara's use of "how troublesome." Neither was clever and both were highly annoying.

~~i'm super flattered you used Six as an example by the by~~

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Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: You know, it's sad. Under the premise of an AU!fic the idea of Pandora experimenting on chains could have been interesting to read about. Especially if characters like Sharon or Gilbert found out about it. Instead it looks like that's being pissed away right quick.

You know, her insistence to keep saying "so depressing" is on par with Shikamaru Nara's use of "how troublesome." Neither was clever and both were highly annoying.

~~i'm super flattered you used Six as an example by the by~~

I could honestly see that working out very well, if it was an AU. But I really don't think that's what she was going for in the end of it all, and like you said, the idea is pretty much wasted. The ties to Pandora and Zai are so glossed over as well that I can't make heads or tails of what she's trying to convey.

I'm pretty sure, in the two chapters that are posted, that it's all for wise fulfillment, such as most of them are.

And I didn't think of that one but you've got a point. Anime and manga fans have no problem with ripping from other animes and manges, after all.

And it's no problem! Like I said on Skype, Six was a good example of a character who is unstable from experimentation and has that inward struggle. Shia has that threat of being experimented on and it leaves her terrified. The writer here doesn't know how to incorporate those few factors into her own character.

It's a real shame cause it is a good idea but she just doesn't do it correctly.

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