Resident Evil: Project Zero [2] Spork/Review

Resident Evil: Project Zero -2-

You ready for Chapter 2? I know Chapter one stunk and was short but whatever.

Typically when someone thinks their work stinks that much they don't post it anywhere. Apparently that's a tradition that's dying out with the age of the internet ever expanding onwards.

I tried looking for David, but I couldn't find him anywhere in these buildings. He was freakin' fast! Plus the fact that I'm extremely slow.

That explanation doesn't excuse the fact that you completely neglected to explain how David managed to lose your character. Just because one is fast doesn't mean anything. Did he hide around debris or crashed cars? Did he free run over anything in his way to go faster? These little details help to expand not only the story and the experience of the reader as they go through it but to expand on the nature of your characters as well.

I went and checked the bank, nobody was there but one dead body in a chair. I looked at Wendy's, there was food all over the walls and on the floor, but nobody was in there, either. I checked in a store, at a salon, Blockbuster, another restraunt... There was no sign of him. He was probably in Africa by now.

I'm probably supposed to think that Africa line was funny but I don't. I don't see how it could ever be construed as funny.

Also, breezing through your events and places she looked is also lazy writing. This is first person point of view and if it weren't for the 'I's and 'me's that denote it as such I would only assume that it was third person point of view. This fanfiction is missing everything that makes first person what it is!

I stepped inside an office and sat myself in a leather chair. I rested my head on the solid, cold desk. How the heck did a virus break out into the city? But how come I didn't remember any of it? I just can't believe...

I can't believe either, that you're this stupid and that the author thinks this is legitimate writing. Writing isn't meant to be easy, if it is you might be doing something wrong. We're told this is a viral apocalypse of sorts so why isn't that being played up? We have no details of what this character ran into while searching for David up until this point and so all I can envision is an empty city that's in ruins as if the Rapture had happened instead.

Scraaape...........

I quickly turned the leather chair with eyes wide open. What the freak was that?!

Maybe it's just because I'm so vulgar that I regularly forget that some people don't find cussing appropriate and are offended by it but it's really aggravating me with all the tame cursing in this situation.

There were three lines in the wall, side by side, like some sort of animal with claws scratched it...a really big animal at that. My heart was pumping harsh and I couldn't unfreeze myself.

I like to imagine she couldn't unfreeze herself because Sub-Zero got a hold of her. Either that or a Piloswine used Blizzard on her and she has yet to thaw out.

Something was in the room with me. I finally managed to unfreeze and looked around the room in terror. I didn't see anything. I got out of the leather chair and headed out the office door. The next thing I notice, my black, leather boots were walking in slime. That's possitivly disgusting!

This is positively lame!

In all seriousness, though, this really is hard to read. There's nothing here that holds my attention and on top of that nothing to help me relate to this character (and in case anyone's wondering why I'm not referring to her by name it's because I've completely forgotten what her name even is). Because I can't relate to her and I'm bored I really can't bring myself to care about what happens to her.

I walked down the hall and through the door, back outside again. It was very silent, I've probably never heard anything this quiet. I slowly walked down the sidewalk, scared like I should be, and heard something behind me.

Show me, don't tell me. Don't tell me your scared. Tell me what your reactions are to your situation instead and let me come to the conclusion that your scared on my own. Are your hands shaking? Are you trembling in general? Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? These are things that would let a reader come to the conclusion by showing us instead of just telling us that you're scared.

I quickly turned. Hmm...I guess it was nothing. I noticed the dead cop in the street had a radio. I ran over to it and tried to listen to what the other person was saying...but it was hard to make out what they said behind all the static.

The pacing to this story sucks pretty badly, too. One thing happens and then almost instantly the next thing rolls around. There's no intermission between Point A and Point B and thus it seems like everything is happening within seconds of each other.

"J---Geo---Come in George---is---Jill----Nee---elp---George---copy---...

The rest I couldn't make out. I turned the radio off but thought it would come in handy, along with the handgun and flashlight the cop had. I turned on the flashlight. Shining it down the road, I saw something pass the light and tried to follow it with the flashlight, but couldn't find it. This really was a nightmare. Hmm...I wonder...

For someone who believes this is a hellish nightmare you're certainly acting as if this is all just a minor inconvenience. You're telling me one thing and showing me something else altogether.

BUNK!!!

My back was to the cold sidewalk, eyes closed, but when I opened them I saw a pink monster with a head the shape of a brain and a ridiculously long toung tongue! It's claws were freezing, they were touching my shoulders and the monster's back claws on his feet touched my thighs. It was slimy! I tried pushing it off but it was really strong, it lifted its claw or hand or whatever it was and was ready to scratch or stab me, but a plan came to my mind...

Again, this author is showing us that she really can't do well with first person point of view. Someone who is terrified for their life would not be able to calmly sit there and tell us what this thing looked like. Details would more likely come in bits and pieces amidst trying to struggle away from it.

I pulled out the handgun from my pocket and shot it in the brain-looking part.

If it's on top of you it's not going to let you just reach into your pocket and pull out a firearm, aim it, and shoot. It'd be clawing you up, biting you, stabbing you, etc. etc. Likewise keeping a firearm at all in your pocket with the safety off is a really stupid thing to do.

It backed away and shot it's its toung tongue right at my neck! I accidently dropped the handgun, so I had no hope...I was going to die. Until David came from behind and chopped the thing's toung toungue right off with his knife. I took the part wrapped around my neck off and threw it to the ground. "Woh, that was a close one." I said.

For someone who was nearly killed she's treating this like a minor inconvenience. I think the writer needs to do a little research, figure out how human reactions work and how people really react to things like this. Even Silent Hill, with the infamous Dull Surprise reactions to the monsters, was more realistic than this.

"Yeah." he agreed. Instead of getting in a conversation about the monster, he just walked down the road...to another building no doubt. I could tell he was the quiet type.

It's really hard to take this seriously when everything is passed over in the blink of an eye and everything is treated with dull surprise.

"David!" I whined. He looked back. "Thanks." "It was nothing." he said. "Nothing? If you haden't come back I would have been dead right now! That was totally something." I said with a smile. He half-smiled back. Then he started walking again. I couldn't loose him this time! "David, I'm coming with you. First of all, I have a flashlight." I flicked it on and off again. "Second of all, I will no doubt die without you! It's my first time shooting a gun and being attacked by..." before I could finish my sentance, he interrupted me. "A licker." he said. "A what?" "A licker. One of the monsters either from the G-Virus or UroBoros. I can't remember." "Okay...anyway, I should stick with you. We'll be better off as a team, trust me." I told him. Hopefully he would agree. "Well...your not really a proffesionist so you can tag along, just don't get in my way." he agreed. "Oh, thanks David."

That entire paragraph is untouched. That is how this entire story is formatted with large paragraphs lumped together as such where they should be broken up into new ones because a new subject is being addressed or a new line of dialogue has started.

Also, Licker should be capitalized as its a proper noun and Uroboros does not have a capital 'b' in it. I don't understand how fans of the game can mess something so simple up such as this.

We ran down the street, took turns, jumped fences...I had no idea where we were. I was just following David. Then I noticed the dead bodies on the street were actually getting up! A lot of them were. I pulled out the handgun, and began shooting, even though I was horrible at aiming.

Show don't tell! Tell me what the route your taking looks like - are their cars piled up? Fires burning anywhere? Chunks of street pulled out? Broken down buildings?

Tell me about how you shot at zombies. Did you hit your mark or not? Did you aim for the head but hit the shoulder instead or something behind it? These things will show us if she sucks at aiming or not.

There were way too many of them!

Giving me a rough estimate of how many she thought there were would have done more than just telling me there are too many. For instance, one person may think three zombies is too many to deal with at one time while someone like me may think that's easy to deal with (strictly speaking from a video gamer point of view on this one) and that fifteen or more would be too many. Everyone has differing opinions and giving us an estimate of the number of zombies that your character thinks is too many to handle would help us get a better grasp on how she functions and thinks.

I looked over at David, who just happened to be holding a grenade!

How convenient. Convenience usually never blows over well in a story because it's just that - convenient.

He threw it in the middle of the big group of zombies. It made a big KABOOM and exploded all the zombies. It...was...awesome! We continued to run through the city, and that's when I heard a cry for help.

How is it that a chapter can have absolutely nothing happen in it? I dread next weekend's chapter....