It's almost the end of my freshman year, and I have about five major projects so far. Two that are due this week, and it somewhat feels like I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth... This week came so fast before I knew it!
But lately, I just feel kind of down; more so than usual. I look at school, and think about everybody I see and compare it to me. I feel like I'm not up to expectations. But though i usually think that way in the looks and personality department, I'm starting to really begin questioning my intellect. I just feel... blank, I suppose I could say -- it's just a little hard to describe. I do have honors class, but I feel like I'm not good enough to be in it, or even good enough to be in regular classes. Everybody just seem to be so far above of me that I feel like I'm just a little ant in my classrooms. It was bad in math, and now in science since the teacher I have is new to teaching (and doesn't explain very well), but I'm starting to feel like that in other classes that I am comfortable in. Now, I'm not getting bad grades but I just feel like I don't belong.
I especially had that feeling today, in my French class. Today was a oral quiz where you say the names of items that the teacher has pictures of in French. I usually get called on last or in the middle but I decided to volunteer to go second, just so I could get it out of the way. I mumbled the words perfectly, only missed two (which wasn't bad) while waiting for my turn. And when I finally get up to go, bam; my head goes completely blank. Normally, I panicked and talked in a low volume, more so than usual, and I got each word wrong. My teacher even told me that I should just go back and study more in the middle of my oral quiz, but I continued on. When i was finally finished, I went back to my seat very embarrassed and frustrated to the point where I started tearing up. I just feel so frustrated at my self! I had the words eight but I completely messed it up when I was ready in front of everybody! I felt like a complete fool. Luckily, the bell rang a minute after so I could ran out to the bathroom to get a stall to cry in.
I still feel like a idiot though. I don't know why but it is still really bothering me. My mom told me it's okay, but I just can't get over it. I know it's childish, but it just really, really, bugs me on how utterly stupid I am. Honestly, you'd think I'd learn that by now, but nope.
Sorry for my immature rant, and for bringing it here but I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest.... Sorry.
♥ Rin
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Sun Nov 05, 2023 7:08 pm by Salya
Just been... bleh