The Very Best! [Review of ☄ Sucked into a game ☄] by windgirl13 [05]

And we're back, rockers. Oki's still not returned from... whatever it is she's off doing so you still get to deal with me. *opens manilla folder* So let's do this.

Quote :: Mikki’s p.o.v. I couldn’t breathe or speak. Well at least for 2 seconds anyways.

Our heroine, folks, too stupid to breathe.

Quote :: “I can keep Chikorita? I can honestly? Really?” I could barely keep my voice from trembling. “Are you sure I’m the right person?”

“~~Mikki you already display all the qualities that anyone who cares for pokemon should have.~~ But of course, you're the Sue of the fic, you and only you have the most amazing qualities needed to raise Pokemon! To say otherwise would be only because we are all merely jealous at your amazingness!” Professor Elm said. I looked at him with big watery eyes.

“GLOMP!” I shouted as I glomped Professor Elm.

The Very Best! [Review of ☄ Sucked into a game ☄] by windgirl13 [05] Godstielspecial

Quote :: He managed to hold me instead of getting knocked down.

I... need an adult?

Quote :: “Thank you, thank you!” I repeated over and over. Professor Elm just patted my back and laughed.

“Chika, Chikorita!” Chikorita said. He was trying to glomp Professor Elm’s leg.

I'm getting mental images of Chikorita acting like a dog and humping the good Professor's leg thanks to that.
The Very Best! [Review of ☄ Sucked into a game ☄] by windgirl13 [05] Alice-Killme

The Very Best! [Review of ☄ Sucked into a game ☄] by windgirl13 [05] Alice-Killme

Quote :: “Well Chikorita, you’re mine now.” I said letting go of Professor Elm. “And if you’re my pokemon, you get a name.” Chikorita looked at me expectantly. “And you’re name is now Bara. It means Rose in a different language and sounds like you. What do you think?”

Of course she would give it a name of a popular flower that most everyone loves. Never mind the fact that when Chikorita eventually evolve to Bayleef on through to Meganium the petals around their necks look nothing like rose petals. I also have no idea what the "sounds like you" part even means. Is she equating this Chikorita's personality to a rose or something?

Quote :: “Chikorita!” Bara said with full confidence.

“Good. I’m gonna go home and rest up, it’s kinda been a full day.” I said attaching Bara’s poke ball to the chain on my pants. “And I want to decide what I’m going to do.”

“Yeah, what are you going to be Mikki?” Ethan asked.

Something that will no doubt make her outshine everyone around her, I'm sure.

Quote :: “I just told you, I’m going home to figure it out.” I said a little annoyed that I repeated myself.

If you don't want to repeat yourself make sure you don't sap the canon characters' IQ into single digits next time then.

Quote :: “Yeah, it’s getting late. Run on home you two.” Professor Elm said pushing me and Ethan out the door.

Since when does Professor Elm ever get pushy with anyone like this?

Quote :: “I’ll leave you to find your own house Mikki. See ya!” Ethan said walking away.

“See ya later Ethan.” I said and turned for Home.

Is Mikki-Moron secretly Al Bhed? Why else would home be capitalized there?

Quote :: “Come on Bara, Let’s go home and clean up.” It was really peaceful as the sun began to set in New Bark Town. I could hear a Hoothoot calling from the forest. The wind was gently blowing. And oddly enough I felt right at home. Can this really be all a game? I thought to myself.

This is what some sporkers from the Live Journal community of sporkers call a "dead herring" - sporkers Mervin and Mrs. Hyde have coined the term. You've all heard of "red herring" I'm sure, where the author puts in things to throw the reader off - an example would be Snape being the red herring to Quirrel in Book 2 of the Harry Potter series. However we then get a dead herring which is the author trying valiantly to beat over our heads that something just will sooooooo not happen so they keep repeating it and making allusions to it in the most ham-fisted ways possible.

To take an example straight from this fic would be the costant allusions of "could this really just be a game?" along with the rinse-repeat actions of memories flooding into Mikki-Moron's brains. It isn't convincing and it only makes the plot twist and/or reveal dry and predictable.

Quote :: Bara looked up at me worriedly. “Don’t worry Bara, you just have a really weird friend now.” I said as I opened the door to my house.

“Mikki’s home, Mikki’s home.” Murkrow cawed when I took off my shoes inside the house.

Murkrow don't mimic voices! Only Chatot does! And any Pokémon that does learn to talk ends up using their entire intelligence level on the feat as evidence by Meowth; granted it doesn't make sense canonically either, but when a Pokemon does that they suddenly can't learn any other moves. Apparently Meowth used up all the Intelligence Point gains on the Speech Ability and has no more to spend on learning moves.

Quote :: “Just in time for Dinner too.” Mom said. “I made your favorite, fried rice and sesame chicken.”

“Ohh~” I said trying not to drool.

That must be difficult for you, considering your base IQ level is ridiculously low as is. Drooling must come with the territory.

Quote :: It smelled delicious. “Hey mom, do we have any poke food for Grass type pokemon?”

“Why?” Mom said Turning around. “Oh! You got a pokemon from Professor Elm! How cute!” Mom picked up Bara and snuggled him. Bara didn’t seem to mind to much. But I bet if Ethan tried to snuggle Bara, Bara would slap him with his leaf.

Uhm... why? What purpose would that serve? How would Mikki-Moron know that already? Bara had no qualms about Ethan thus far so why would he now?

Quote :: Mom put Bara down. “I’m sure there is a spare bowl some where in the cabinets.” I went over and pulled out a red bowl just the right size for Bara. As mom set up the table I poured Bara his food and poured food For Murkrow as well.

BAD WRITING ALERT The Very Best! [Review of ☄ Sucked into a game ☄] by windgirl13 [05] Emot-siren

We've just had the same two words ("poured food") in close proximity to each other and in the same sentence. This is piss-poor writing when the writer can't figure out a way to combine the two events into one sentence to avoid repetition or even to look into a thesaurus for a different way to phrase it.

Quote :: “Here ya go.” I said setting down Bara’s bowl. And I placed a bowl near Murkrow’s perch. As Bara was eating I sat at the table and began eating dinner with Mom.

Once again the word "eating" has been used twice in the same sentence.

Quote :: “So what are you’re plans dear?” Mom asked as I put another mouthful of rice in my mouth.

“I’m not really sure.” I said getting uncomfortable. I knew what I really wanted to do, but I didn’t really know how this new Mom would want or say.

“As long as you’re doing what makes you happy, I don’t mind what you do.” Mom said.

Of course you don't, 'Mom', otherwise that would create tedious conflict with Mikki-Moron and we can't have that! Nope! Not at all!

Quote :: I smiled at her with my fork in my mouth. We ate the rest of our meal in silence but the feeling wasn’t tense any more.

“I’m going to give myself and Bara a bath before bed, okay?” I asked before me and Bara went upstairs.

“That’s fine dear, goodnight.” My mom said putting away dishes.

I enjoy how she was given the green light to do whatever she wants without issue from mommy-dearest and she still doesn't say what she wants to do despite already knowing. Never mind the fact that just at the beginning of this chapter she was bitching at Ethan for asking because she had no clue what she wanted to do.

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