Homestuck: Equius Oneshot Review.

Subject: Homestuck: Equius Oneshot Review. Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:39 pm

Good'ay, I really should have had this up a while ago. But my computer and my school work both started acting retarded, so this took longer than expected. But none-the-less here's my critique of a Homestuck oneshot written by one lovely Quizilla user who goes the moniker SecretObsessions. My comments will be mixed in with the story in Indigo and a general commentary will be given at the end.

Homestuck: Equius Oneshot

Quote :: The last thing Equius had been expecting after another long day of dealing with all these inferior trolls (and Eridian, Nepeta, Feferi, and Gamzee, of course…) was for someone else to come flying through that god forsaken portal like some newly hatched larvae.

How is this character able to access the lab in the first place? (Which is where I am assuming they are) This character isn't part of the original twelve trolls. Was she already playing in a different session that happened to over lap with theirs? Highly unlikely.

Quote :: But of course, he should, in retrospect, know by now that nothing is going to go as he’d like it to. Once she got there she looked around, stretching. Her shirt was so torn it was basically useless, and she seemed to realize this as it didn’t take her long to remove the piece of tattered cloth.

Because obviously the proper way to act in front of a bunch of juvenile trolls who you're never met before, who may consider you hostile, is to yawn, and strip off a tattered shirt. One which we don't even know why it's tattered in the first place. There's no mention of scars, or wounds, or anything that would give us a reason for it's state. It's just something she wants to take off. Possibly to add a "Bad Ass" feel to the character.

Quote :: Firm muscles lay in a somehow feminine pattern beneath her skin, which had a teal-ish tinge to it. She seemed to think for a moment before pulling out a knife from her Strife Modus and cutting her hand open. She was a high rank, just below Equius himself.

Ah. The blood colour display. Lord knows why she cuts her hand open. Why would she even have to prove her blood colour to anyone when no one asked. And it's not like she's special or anything. Upper Middle class at best.

Quote :: =======> Be Her

So original, fake hyper text. In a Homestuck oneshot. I never would have thought of that.

Quote :: You smirked as your eyes grazed over the room, reciting the different trolls’ names and your opinions on them.

So far this is turning out to be a pretty shit story. Let's hope her character can think in original terms, not how almost every fucking troll fan thinks.

Quote :: Vriska, talk about “bluh bluh bitch,” gosh, you hated her. Tavros, he was such a sweetheart, just so kind and compassionate; you loved him to death. Eridan was, to put it frankly, a huge asshole. Sollux… You didn’t really have an opinion on the Gemini. Aradia was awesome, you thought she was so cool! Terezi you also loved. Faferi FAFERI was adorable, you couldn’t help but love her too. Nepeta was adorable, what with her blue kitty hat; and Gamzee (though he acted like a stoner) was badass, and you would definitely drink that “mother fucking elixir” for some miracles and shit with him. Kanaya was another nice girl, just so sweet… Even if she did use a chainsaw to chop off Tavros’ legs. It was for his own good! Karkat was another asshole, and you loved him to death.

Ok. Conflicting opinion much.

Quote :: You found him hilarious, if a bit self-absorbed and in love with himself. And last, but certainly not least, was Equius.

I decided not to break up this chunk of text too much, because it can all be commented on as stereotypical. Vriska is a huge bitch, Tavros is a sweet baby, Eridan is a dick, ect. All these characters are just so stereotyped. And the ones who got vague opinions, like Nepeta, 'Faferi' and Aradia, they all are ones that the fandom really doesn't care about much as a whole. And then her wanting to be all 'cool' with Gamzee. I really want to see what happens when he finally runs out of sopor and goes ape-shit. Also. KARKAT. He is not self-absorbed or in 'love' with himself. Nonononononono. He might look that way at first, but you soon realize he hates himself so much he could black-rom with himself (Hate-marry, if you will)

Quote :: You’d been watching Equius for a while from the strange monitors in the labs that kept cropping up. He fascinated you. His super strength, his obsessions with the caste system, his kinky conversation with Gamzee; all of it made you want to know him more and more.

How was your character able to observe Equius? Let alone know the kinky conversation he had with Gamzee.

Quote :: You couldn’t help but find his temper endearing, and even his sweat you had managed to find a way to love. So what if he’d gotten his teeth punched out by robots?

How long have you been watching him!?

Quote :: So what if one of his horns was broken? It was quite simple. You had somehow managed to develop redrom feelings for Equius. La dee fucking da. Joy to the world and all that. You blushed as you looked at him, your teal blood rushing to your face as you looked away.

There are sooo many better ways to establish the fact your character is in flush for Equius. Ever heard of Show: Not Tell?

Quote :: =========> Be Equius Again

Equius couldn’t help but be curious.

Shouldn't he be more worried about the strange troll who randomly showed up out of nowhere?

Quote :: She didn’t notice his gaze, thanks to the sunglasses, but she had, for a moment there, been looking at him so adoringly… He didn’t understand it. After looking at him for a short time, she had looked away, her cheeks coated with a pretty teal color.

Pretty?

Quote :: Ah. She was one of the higher bloods, the same rank as Terezi. Good, but not quite as good as him. He didn’t quite understand why, but he wanted to reach out and stroke those teal cheeks.

Uuuuh, no. Even if by some strange twist of fate it was redrom at first sight, he'd be worried about quite possible breaking her face if he tried to stroke those teal cheeks.

Quote :: He wanted to reach out and tangle his hands in her hair

which would probably kill her.,

Quote :: which was black, just like everyone else. Her horns were almost ram’s horns, like Aradia, but there was something about them that was somehow prettier, more feminine.

way to take traits from the cannon flush-crush and throw them in to your character. Soooo original.

Quote :: He was confused. Equius glowered when Karkat called out, “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

FINALLY. A CANNON REACTION.

Quote :: =========> Be the Girl Again

You looked up at Karkat, smiling a little.

==========> Enter Name

Your name is Krios. You tell Karkat this startling information.

Ahem. The name is too short. There's been a name guide line set for the series. All humans have a four letter first name and seven letter last name. ROSE LALONDE. JAKE ENGLISH. ect. All juvenile trolls (Pre and post scratch) have a 6x6 letter name scheme. KARKAT VANTAS. MEULIN LEIJON ect. And all 'Ancestors' (Save for Grand Highblood and Her Imperial Condescension) have an 8x8 name/title. ORPHANER DUALSCAR. PSIIONIC. SUFFERER/SIGNLESS. Your character's name should fit in to this catagory.

Quote :: =========> Jump on Vriska’s Back and Yell, “ONWARD MY MIGHTY STEED!”

Fuck. Yes.

Wat. Props for trying to be Hussie though. Gotta have all that originality in your oneshot.

Quote :: ===========> See What Equius Thinks About this Nonsense

Equius couldn’t help but facepalm while Vriska flailed around like Tavros after Vriska kissed him. You supposed this was decent payback. He wondered what a steed was and why it was mighty.

If he's the creepy horse fetishist he is coloured to be, then he should know what a steed is. And why it is mighty.

Quote :: It sounded STRONG like him. Anything as awesome as a mighty steed had to be STRONG. Just the thought of how strong STRONG he was began to make him a little sweaty.

Seems like a normal reaction. BUT WAIT.

Quote :: “Does anyone have a towel?” He asked absently, not expecting a yes at this point any more. “Yeah, here.” Krios said, pulling out a fresh, clean, white towel. Everyone was surprised, including himself.

THERE WE GO. Helpful reader insert/oc character is helpful. Why was she lugging around towels?

Quote :: Equius hesitantly reached out and grabbed the towel before finally wiping himself down with it. Finally. Krios smiled at him in a sweet way that almost reminded him of Feferi stealing character traits. Whoop., while still having the evil lilt of Vriska’s grins. “Better?” She asked. Equius nodded before grunting out a quick,

“Thank you.” The room froze. Equius? Thank someone of a lower blood? Unheard of!

Yup. Not too sure what to make of that one. I mean, his 'Matesprit' and Moirail are of lower blood. So saying thanks to a teal blood shouldn't be that much of a surprise.

Quote :: Just when Equius was beginning to like Krios, someone else tumbled through the portal. More and more of these guys just kept pouring in, didn’t they?

Seriously. They do.

Quote :: ============> Be the Other Guy

You stared at the trolls that Krios had been making you watch ever since you had started this god forsaken game.

Ah! They are in a different session. That would have been nice to know. Still confused on why they're watching the Zodiac trolls.

Quote :: You pretty much hated all of them except Vriska and Eridan.

Anti-Thesis of Krios. Nicely done author.

Quote :: You turned to face Equius, who was standing much too close to Krios for comfort. “Hey, eyesore!” You snapped at him. “Back off my baby cousin!”

Wat? Cousin? Even if they met that slim change in the giant genetic slurry of troll genes to actually be legit cousins, how would they know?

Quote :: Krios snapped her head around to face you. “Goddamn! Hop off, ________!” You glared between her and Equius. “I will when he does!” She growled lightly and rolled her eyes. “He wasn’t doing anything!” You flushed, crimson instead of teal flooding your cheeks.

Crimson?

Quote :: You were the lowest blood. One of the rust bloods.

then instead of crimson you should have said rust. And by rust bloods, that could mean RUST colour, through gold/yellow. We know what colour you are now, but don't use rusts bloods. Just say you're blood colour is rust.

Quote :: “He was too close to you!” Krios glared before shouting, “I swear to Jashin, if you don’t stop this, I’m going to tell everyone your secret!” You narrowed your eyes at her. “You wouldn’t dare.” She took a step forward, away from Equius, which you considered progress. “Try me.” You mocked.

Familial squabbles! Way to add some 'comic relief' in to this story. EDIT: I didn't notice this tidbit before, but who the fuck is Jashin. Please, for the love of all things cannon, DON'T let it be the Naruto Jashin I'm thinking about converted to a troll religion. Please, please, PLEASE.

Quote :: ============> Enter the Other Guy’s Name

Your name is Zygos, and you’re Krios’ older man cousin who is STRONG.

Please refer to my naming scheme rant a few paragraphs above.

Quote :: ============> Krios: Reveal Zygos’ Secret

You took a deep breath before shouting, “ZYGOS WANTS TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH VRISKA AND ERIDAN BECAUSE HE’S A PERVERT!” Zygos stared at you, mortified. A moment later, it was burning rage. “Oh, yeah? Well KRIOS WANTS TO HAVE KINKY BDSM SEX WITH EQUIUS, EVEN THOUGH HE’S AN EYESORE!”

lolwhat? This makes no sense. How does that even work for the story, other than to provide the female lead with some kind of shame / rage to make Equius pity her.

Quote :: ===========> Be Equius Some More

You were about to jump on that low blooded weakling and pound him STRONGLY into the ground, but before you could move, Krios jumped on Zygos, tackling him to the ground.

Why? You JUST MET THE TROLL.

Quote :: “EQUIUS ISN’T AN EYESORE, DAMMIT!” She half growled, have screamed. With that she began to slap Zygos back and forth, one hand fisted in his shirt.

I could swear that was an animation in the actual comic.

Quote :: ===========> Krios: Continue Slapping Zygos

You are thoroughly enjoying yourself, as your cousin is nearly as big an asshole (in the bad way) as Eridan. Anyone with any knowledge of troll romance would call this an incestual blackrom relationship, but you knew very well that in a few minutes you would be normal friends again.

What part of GIANT INCESTUAL SLURRY DO YOU NOT GET? That's how troll reproduce. For all we know Terezi and Eridan could be related. We don't. That's because hundreds upon millions of trolls all pail, and ship them off to mother grubs. Combine the genetic material in a giant incestual slurry, and BAM EGGS EVERYWHERE. I believe we're all familiar with troll reproductive measures. And don't even get me started on your blackrom. If you're just going to be friends in a few minutes, then it isn't blackrom. It isn't even a blackrom fling. Please, actualy know what blackrom is. Infact here, look at this.

Homestuck: Equius Oneshot Review. Tumblr_lwi2rfjcVw1r4qxzoo2_250

Quote :: So for now, you decided to exploit this moment of rage for everything it was worth.

Quote :: ==========> Krios: Choke Zygos and Pound his Head into the Floor

You were STRONGLY doing just that, living it up when suddenly you were pulled off Zygos and tossed into Equius. You glared when you saw your brother Deltio helping Zygos up. Another Vriska and Eridan fan, although he actually had redrom feelings for Kanaya, which you totally approve of.

Deltio? At least she got the naming right. Where did he come from? And why does he have a flush-crush on Kanaya even though he should know by watching her that she prefers the ladies.

Quote :: It was only then that you realized the awkward position you were in, Equius’ arm wrapped snuggly against your waist with your backside pressed tight against his crotch.

When did this happen?

Quote :: You blushed again before gently pulling yourself away. Much to your surprise, you were roughly pulled back into a, as you just realized, sweaty chest, before being dragged into someone’s respiteblock. You assumed it was Equius’. “Did I tell you that you could move?” Equius growled in your ear, pulling you closer to his body.

HO SHIT PAILING TIME.

Quote :: The tip of his tongue flicked out to graze your ear. You gasped but managed to say, “No, Equius.” You were turned around and slammed against a nearby wall so that you were facing Equius.

Whelp. That should have killed her. Being slammed in to a wall by Equius? How is there not a fucking crater in that wall?

Quote :: “Did I tell you that you could use my name?” You shivered as he began to let his breath tickle your neck and jawline. “N-no, highblood.”

It's not direct pailing, but it's more like foreplay. However, some people might not want to see that so it's under a spoiler tag. So my comments on that will also be in spoilers.
#Triggers

Spoiler:

Quote :: This is the position you were in when Karkat walked in to see how one of Equius’ robots were doing for once in his miserable life.

WAIT FOR IT. And why was he checking up on Equius' robots anyway? Why would he even care!?

Quote :: ============> Be Karkat

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?

BAM. THE END. Literally, this is the end of the story. Just this. I don't know if the author wanted to be funny but... not a good way to end this.

Alright, so my over all analysis is this. It's correct grammatically, no real problems in sentence structure and spelling aside from Feferi's name that one time. But plot-wise it was seriously lacking. It was this strange mix of reader insert and actual original character. She also made this extremely confusing by leaving a bunch of plot holes, and Point-Of-View flipping nearly every paragraph. If you could call those paragraphs, even though they resembled giant walls of text. Her OOC-ness is unbelievable and the fact that she messed up with the simple naming schemes, and gave her fan-troll biological siblings was a big turn-off.

My suggestion would be to read over your story before sending it out in to the internet. Try to develop your characters more, and not leech off traits of already established characters. Also don't randomly throw characters in to the story that doesn't mean anything. Zygos and Deltio didn't do anything other than to be 'comic relief' characters, which was pointless.

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