Illegal Operations: Project K Sporking/Review [24]

Krauser: I hope you know I hate you right now, kid.

Fang: Key words being "right now," besides you're just angry I made you come back to spork with me so soon!

Krauser: My comment still stands.

~Project K~ {Leon S. Kennedy} Pt.24 Close to freedom

Krauser: That was something I was inches from before Fang managed to drag me back here.

“Karla, you open the shutters to get us out of here…I’ll distract it.”

“Leon…are you sure?!”

“Positive, go now!”

You nodded and proceeded onwards to finding the first out of the two switches which was to your left. After pressing that one you went on towards the other switch near the shutter, pressing that one you succeeded in opening it while calling out to Leon.

Fang: Is it just me or does it sound like Karla's taking a calm stroll between finding the switches?

Krauser: No. I was getting the same feeling.

Fang: There's just no sense of urgency or danger. It's so lacking!

“Leon! Let’s go!” he nodded and was about to run to you when IT wrapped a tentacle around Leon’s

Fang: Tentacle rape!

ankle, instantly making him fall to the floor while dragging him back.

“Damn!” he cursed.

“Crap.” You exhaled

Fang: Still with the unrealistic responses, I see.

while pulling out your Swiss army knife and ran towards the two. Plunging the knife deep in it’s tentacle

Fang: So, because I'm me, I looked up the average size of a Swiss army knife - granted Wikipedia was the first site that popped up on my search results but I dismissed that entirely. Instead I checked out this site where one could purchase said Swiss army knives. Notice something? Their sizes range from 2.28 inches (58mm) to 4.48 inches (115mm). Because we have no descriptive prose of how this knife looks like, especially not in size, I can only imagine it as one of those really teeny-tiny ones.

Krauser: *snorts* Let's not forget that you have to dig out and flip out the knife first. That takes time.

Fang: Ha! I now imagine her running at It with the nail filer pulled out instead of the blade.

it let out a sharp cry before taking a swipe at you. You dodged the attack and grabbed Leon’s hands while dragging him out of the way of the oncoming sharp claw.

Fang: *grabs Krauser's hand and tries to tug him across the room without warning*

Krauser: *rips hand away* What the hell are you doin', kid?!

Fang: See? People typically don't like it when you just grab at their hands and try to pull them around so stop doing it!

You whipped your head behind you to see that the shutter was going to close, making a desperate choice you helped Leon to his feet while he grabbed your hand and the two of you ran to the closing shutter. Looking back you saw IT coming straight for you and out of desperation you pulled your hand out of Leon’s grasp,

Krauser: It almost sounds like Kennedy has to forcibly be pulled around to stay alive now.

Fang: Funny, that's usually how it seems with Karla-Sue.

and when the agent looked back confused you pushed him through the shutter just as it closed.

You then ran up the side of the wall and hung onto the gated ceiling while pulling yourself up and running to the next container, all the while you sensed IT following you.


Fang: It's just not enough that they follow the game and just make it to the other area before the first falls, no, Karla-Sue must be OH SO BRAVE in the face of danger and do something so monumentally stupid that its only purpose is to outshine Leon.... again.

Krauser: It's a sad day when Kennedy's being beaten out by this half-baked brat.

You smirked and twisted to the side just as a tentacle missed you, you also heard the previous container drop and plunged down to the deep earth.

Now on the second container you looked down and saw Leon pressing the switches while looking up at you from time to time. Looking back up you saw IT growling in frustration since it couldn’t kill its victims.

Krauser: .... Did I really just read that, kid?

Fang: I'm as baffled by that logic as you are, love. So what? Because the two split up it can't kill them? How does that even begin to make any amount of sense?

“Stop whining you tubby bastard,” you taunted as you heard distant chuckling.

Fang: "Distant chuckling?" Am I to assume that Leon heard this and thought it funny?

Krauser: Alright, this is a load of shit. Kennedy is unbelievably corny but even he has a limit to what the bastard thinks is funny.

“Come get some.” You say while gesturing your hands in a ‘come here’ motion.

It seemed to get the hint as it growled again and went towards you; you then grabbed your shotgun and shot at it. Leon on the other hand shouted up at you and that was your signal to hurry onto the next one.

It didn’t like being toyed with so it swiped at you luckily on your arm as the new cut formed.

Fang: That sentence is structured and worded so badly.... my entire brain is punching me in response to its bull-shittery.

You looked down at it and furrowed your brow in confusion. ‘Isn’t it supposed to heal already?’

Krauser: The brat seems too dependent on that ability.

Fang: She pretty much just uses it to act like a reckless asshole. When it doesn't work it's only to garner attention and to induce faux-tension into boring scenes like this one.

“Careful Ms. Smith. Since your energy is low your wounds won’t heal as quickly…and you better run on to the next one my dear.”

Krauser/Fang: How would he know that?

Fang: Krauser, were there security cameras down there that Wesker could have hacked into?

Krauser: No. He shouldn't be able to know that since they're underground, too. His satellite would have been useless.

You back flipped onto the next one and the creature followed you suit. “I thought you left the line already, leave so I can hear Zachary instead of you.” You spat as Wesker chuckled.

“You should thank me; I did save you…twice.”

“Why would I thank a creep like you? You betrayed your own team by luring them to they’re deaths.”

He seemed to enjoy that response as he chuckled in amusement, “Perhaps…but if I were you, I would pay attention to my opponent.”

“And if I were you, I would mind my own business Whisker.”

Fang: Isn't she being attacked by It? Or is there just a pause button she hits whenever she wants to have a useless conversation with someone mid-battle?

“I’ll leave,” he responded

Fang: Di-.... Did he....?

Krauser: Kid, give me my knife back. I've got someone to go after....

Fang: While I had taken that so you wouldn't shank me with it for making you spork with me again so soon I'm inclined to let you have it again. Because this is bullshit! Since when does Wesker do anything that complies with anyone else's wishes?!

as you kept shooting at IT while Leon was working on the shutter. “But I won’t leave you alone entirely, I’ll be back for you my dear, and believe it or not I WILL remove all obstacles from my goal…including your dear Leon.”

Fang: The rape undertones are really starting to freak me out here....

Krauser: You're not alone, kid. They're really gettin' to me, too.

His dark commanding voice made you shudder in fear in that threat. He was Albert Wesker after all, the trader bastard of S.T.A.R.S. “Until we meet again my dear Karla, and trust me it will be soon.” And just like that he left and immediately you side kicked the creature back as soon as you heard Leon from below.

Fang: Look at that, the pause button's effects have worn off on It now that that creepy bit of conversation is completed.

“Jump!”

“Roger!” the both of you jumped onto the hanging cargo chain as you watched IT and the cargo container fall to the earth. After that you jumped to the other side where a metal door was.

“Zachary.” You whispered as Leon was busy re-loading his weapons.

“It’s jack free. I tried to get in contact with you to warn you about that thing, but someone jacked the line.”

“Yeah well that someone was Wesker.”

“Wesker from S.T.A.R.S?” he asked in a clearly angry tone.

“Affirmative, do me a favor and trace him will you?”


Krauser: If Wesker was able to be traced like that he would have been found a lot sooner than he was by Umbrella's enemies. He's not an easy man to track down.

Fang: Exactly. Which means it will take barely any effort at all for Zachary-Stu to find him. And then we will wallow in anger over it, I'm sure.

Krauser: You say those things way too nonchalantly. Just how often do you read bad stories like this, kid?

“Done and done.”

“Over and out.”

You cut the connection and just when you thought it was over…IT came back mutated than ever and looking for a rematch. Inwardly you groaned when will it all end?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leon pulled you up from the ground as you were finally met by the cool and soothing air outside.

Krauser: Kid? Did we really just miss the fight with It?

Fang: Yeah.... *sighs* She skips over scenes that have potential to be amazing and draw in some amazing fighting abilities all the time. In fact it's one of the factors I've added into the 'Project K Drinking Game' I'm developing for anyone who wishes to read this travesty and kill a liver or two.

Krauser: You have a drinking game being developed for this and you didn't crack it out for me? Kid, I will get you back for that later.

“When will it end?”

“When Saddler’s finished.” Leon responded confidently.

“I was afraid you might say that.”

Fang: Why? That's the logical conclusion to this. If he lived after all was said and done what would be stopping him from doing it all over again?

The two of you ran ahead and jumped down from the small cliff as you looked around at the ruins that laid there. You continued onwards in hopes of finding Ashley soon so that way you could get off this stupid island once and for all.

“So, you two are all hooked up now is that it?” that chilling ruff voice from before returned as the two of you looked to your right to see a shirtless, red marked Krauser on the other side of the ruins.


Krauser: Uh, kid? Any reason you just posted that?

Fang: Fanservice! *flashes thumbs up at Krauser* Your infinite sexiness will totally keep me from ALL-CAPS RAEGING! Though I'm sure not many who read this will share my sentiments - you have surprisingly few fans considering your badass levels.

Krauser: .... I'm going to spare me the trouble of arguing with you and take that as a compliment as I'm sure you meant it as.

Fang: Good. .... ... Hey, wait, what's that supposed to mean?!

“Where’s Ashley?” Leon demanded.

Krauser chuckled, “You really want to know? She’s beyond that gate. But you two will need three insignia’s to open it.” He said by cocking his head to the right.

“What are you going to do Krauser?”

“There’s one in the north, and the other in the east.”

“And lemme guess. You have the last one.”

“It pretty much means…you and her are on a tight leash.” He said brandishing what seemed to be a mine thrower in his hands.

“Sounds like you thought this one out pretty well.” Leon said while his hand trailed down on his waistband and immediately he

Fang: - pulled his pants down!

Krauser: Kid, don't make me hurt you. I don't need to be having thoughts about Kennedy in my head because of you.

threw the grapple which knocked off Krauser’s aim before pushing you to run

Krauser: It amazes me how this brat can't do anything on her own.

Fang: It's morbidly fascinating. By all rights she should be dead by now, what with Darwanism in effect, but because everybody keeps telling her what to do and when or pushing and pulling her out of danger she just keeps coming back! In fact.... Hang on!

Krauser: *brow raised* What are you doing...?

Fang: Ta-da! The new Darwanism Medal! For any fucker who's too stupid to live and yet has managed it anways!

Krauser: .... ..... Is the monkey drooling on that thing?

Fang: The monkey is drooling~.

Krauser: You've got too much time on your hands, kid.

and you did just that as Krauser started shooting at the two of you. Finally you two ducked behind the wall.

“Karla get the one in the east…I’ll head for the north.”

“Roger that pig-Leon!” you quickly corrected as he turned to you with a heated look and above the sound of the gunshots from Krauser you heard what Leon had to say.

“Better being a pig than a pickle.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were in the part of the ruins that over looked the ocean, how you wanted so badly just be able to swim away from your troubles but alas you couldn’t. You quickly picked up one-third of the insignia never noticing someone come up form behind.

“I didn’t know test subjects had feelings.”

Fang: Dude, you're stalking her now apparently.

Krauser: Hmph. She's not even a blip on my radar.

You scowled while turning around with your hands firmly placed on your hips.

“I didn’t know pricks wore make-up.” you retorted coldly.

Krauser: That the best you can come up with? I've heard worse from five-year-olds.

Jack Krauser scowled before pointing the TMP at your forehead, “Wesker wants you alive…but I think I’ll just kill you right now.”


You scoffed as your hand trailed down to the butt of your pistol, “As if you can. Do you really think you’ll be able to run Umbrella? You’re just as corrupted as Saddler is.”

“Maybe, but when I take over this world…be lucky you won’t be a part of it.”

Krauser: When did I ever say I was the one running Umbrella?

Fang: Never. And most fans are smart enough to realize Wesker would be top dog, anyways.

“Bite me Krauser.”

“I might take you up on that offer before I kill you.”

Fang: Now KRAUSER wants a piece of her ass?!

Krauser: Kid, I will kill you for showing me this.

Fang: At this point I would willingly allow that.

You smirked before throwing him back with your newly founded power: Telekinesis.

“Sorry, I don’t like men who wear make-up.”


Fang: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! TELEKINESIS AND FORCE FIELDS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? JEDI MIND POWERS?! THIS IS RETARDED! THIS IS STUPID! THIS CAN'T GET ANY WORSE AND YET IT WILL! I WILL END YOU! THE MAKE-UP JOKE ISN'T FUNNY! KRAUSER WAS APART OF THE ARMY, IT'S FACE PAINT TO REDUCE THE GLARE OF LIGHT INTO THE EYES YOU STUPID SKANK! YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING RELEVANT ABOUT THE ARMY! YET YOU'RE CONTENT TO SCOOT YOUR ASS RIGHT ON THROUGH AND PRETEND YOU'RE PERFECT AND THAT EVERYONE WANTS YOU AND I HATE THIS! I HATE EVERYTHING!

Krauser: Are you quite done, kid?

Fang: NO, I AM NOT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Leon!” Leon’s head whipped up as he grinned at you.

“You got it.”

“Yup.” You nodded as he flashed the other one.

“Cheap trick for a little bitch like you.”

You and Leon turned around to glare at Krauser.

“Two down one more to go Krauser.” Leon said.

“Hnh, we’ll see about that.” He said tossing the gun to the side and you on instinct grabbed your pistol.

Suddenly Krauser’s left arm began to twitch as he rose it up slowly, by then it began to pulse and twitch uncontrollably. He let out a small grunt of pain as his arm began to mutate and take form while you looked on in disgust. ‘Please tell me I won’t turn like him…that’s just nasty.’

Fang: And there we have it, rockers, Karla's just admitted that she thinks beauty over everything else is the best. So long as she looks beautiful she could care less what's happened to her. But say when something like Krauser's winged-blade mutation arrives (which is bad-fucking-ass by the way) she immediately gets disgusted.

Krauser: Sometimes you gotta get your hands a little dirty. *shrugs* I have no need to worry much about appearances other than looking professional.

Fang: That's because you're a sexy beast, Krauser, you don't need to worry about those things because you are Boss!

Krauser: *smirks*

Finally it sprouted into what seemed like a wing blade with unknown slime covering it as well as the sight of his red flesh. “Witness the power!”

“You’ve lost it completely Krauser.” Leon commented with disgust.

“I’ve placed bombs around this entire area; if you don’t make it out in two minutes then you’ll die in the explosion.


Prepare for your death Leon…and yours as well Karla.” He then jumped down as you and Leon dodged out of the away. You prepared for the fight with Krauser…hopefully the last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You looked down in sorrow as you saw Leon take a moment to take in Krauser’s dead body.

Fang: ..... ..... .....

Krauser: ..... ..... .....


You slowed your breathing as you examined yourself for damage; thankfully you only had a shallow cut from when Krauser sliced you with his wing. The only thing that wasn’t saved was your beige army shirt; thankfully you had on a black wife beater underneath.

Fang: Oh yeah, because THAT'S what you should be worried about. Bitch.

Krauser: What the fuck is this? Just a scratch? I don't believe this shit!

“Leon, I’m sorry about Krauser…I know he was your friend.” You offered comfort

Fang: FUCK YOU! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! YOU PRETEND TO FEIGN SYMPATHY BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED AT ALL! YOU EVEN EXPRESSED MORE CONCERN OVER YOUR STUPID SHIRT THAN OVER LEON'S FEELINGS OVER KRAUSER'S DEATH! IN FACT YOU WERE JUST BEING A CATTY BITCH TO KRAUSER WITHOUT TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY HE DOES THE THINGS HE DOES AND NOW YOU PRETEND TO BE CONCERNED FOR LEON? FUCK YOU NO!

Krauser: Since when were Kennedy and I 'friends?' Because of the Javier mission? Why does everyone assume we were knife buddies or some shit. It's sickening.

as Leon stood up on his feet while grabbing the last insignia and your hand as the two of you ran out of the soon to be destroyed place.

“I know,” he finally answered as you two ran to the gate. “I’m sorry for him too.”

Krauser: And I am out of here, kid. This is the last time I'm in here for awhile, right?

Fang: Sadly. Don't have too much fun without me, love!

Krauser: No promises.

I just...I busted out laughing in the library at the 'A new found power! Telekinesis!' part. Oh my God...I just...this is all so lame, so contrived...so sickeningly funny, I feel bad for laughing at it...

SpecOp Fang-O67 wrote:

Twilight Owl wrote:

I just...I busted out laughing in the library at the 'A new found power! Telekinesis!' part. Oh my God...I just...this is all so lame, so contrived...so sickeningly funny, I feel bad for laughing at it...

Oh, that's okay, I laugh at something MUCH, MUCH stupider in the last chapter of this just because of her bad wording. On this one however my brain just turned off. One of these days I will get a webcam so you can see the look on my face when my brain just goes "Fuck this! I'M OUT!"

I look forward to the day I see that face. I really do! :D