Illegal Operations: Project K Sporking/Review [08]

Fang: It's a very special chapter, my rockers. Today we have special guest character Ashley Graham joining me!

Ashley: Why am I here?

Fang: Hey, don't cop an attitude with me. I would rather have had Luis here but you'll have to do!

Ashley: *sighs* Why am I always picked on?

~Project K~ {Leon S. Kennedy} Pt.8 It's Game time

Fang: Can we have an actual theme as to how the chapters are titled, please? It's either what's in the chapter which spoils what happens in it or it's a piece of dialogue taken from the chapter. Both are weak methods to chapter naming.

Ashley: It seems like a pretty sad thing to do. Whatever happened to just labeling the chapter by the number alone?

Fang: That's what I'm saying!

Turning around you spot a gray skinned man dressed in a purple cloak who was standing in the front of the room.

Ashley: You know, it's been a long time since this happened but I can still remember this creep clearly. He wasn't just gray-skinned and dressed in purple. His eyes.... they were this eerie white color... and his skin was so wrinkled! He was definitely a skulky bastard!

Fang: I think what Ashley's saying is that there's a lot of lacking details that could have helped to enhance the feeling one gets from Osmund Saddler.

“Who are you?” Leon questioned angrily while standing in front of you and Ashley.

Ashley: Okay, I remember you telling me that this 'you' is supposed to be the character, Karla... and that she's supposed to be a high-ranking army woman, is that right?

Fang: That's right.

Ashley: And you also said that in this fanfiction that she was sent alongside Leon to help save me... So why isn't she standing beside Leon, too? Why is she being protected as well when she can help herself and has her own guns to use? It's not like I had anything to fight back with - only what I could get my hands on!

Fang: That would be the Damsel in Distress syndrome. Instead of fighting for herself the love interest in question usually just takes it upon himself to keep saving her even if she's quote-on-quote "capable" of it herself and "not like other girls" or some shit. It's really quite sappy and sad.

Ashley: That's stupid! It's not like I wanted to be helpless in that situation! It's a horrible feeling and I knew I couldn't really do anything to help Leon or I'd just get in the way....

“If you must know I am Osmond Saddler the master of this fine religious community.”

“What do you want?” you asked looking over Leon’s shoulder to look at the man.

“To demonstrate to the whole world our outstanding power of course no longer will the United States think they can police the world forever so we kidnapped the president’s daughter in order to give her our power and then send her back.”


“No.” you heard Ashley whispered as she remembered a syringe being injected into her neck upon remembering that she cups her neck.

Ashley: Wait, how does Karla know what I remembered?

Fang: It's a classic case of author-does-not-know-how-to-write-in-second-person-point-of-view. Telling the audience what another character is experiencing, thinking or remembering only works in third person point of view, which this is not.

“Leon, Karla I think they shot something in my neck.”

Leon then turns back to Saddler obviously angry, “What did you do to her?”

“We just planted her a little gift.” He said in a sadistic amused tone, “Oh there’s going to be one hell of a party when she returns home to her loving father.” He chuckles to himself at the sick thought.

“Some gift, you’re sick.” You said in a cold tone as Saddler looks over at you.

Ashley: I've noticed this Karla character doesn't really add anything to the, uh, story. Is that supposed to happen?

Fang: Not usually though it often does with Suethors. They drop a self-insert/fan-character into the mix and do little to change the story to accommodate that. So, really what ends up happening is that the audience just ends up reading the same plotline again with a fan-character tagging along.

Ashley: That's boring! If you're going to add a new character people should take the time to write out new twists and storylines! I'm not even going to college for English and I know this!

“Ah, you must be Karla Leanne Smith, or do you go by Project K now?” "Karla Leanne Smith"? Was it really necessary to add the middle name or was it just to make you *~connect~* better with Leon, considering he's the only other character in this long series who has a middle name that's announced? you looked at him with wide eyes as he smirks at your reaction how did he know your name? Let alone what Umbrella calls you?

Fang: Since when has Umbrella called you this? We've had no indication of this within the story itself - and don't go pointing at the chapter title here! This is something that should have been added somewhere into the story thus far. And another thing, how does she know what Umbrella called her? I thought the parents who adopted her didn't tell anyone what had happened? I don't think Umbrella scientists are in the habit of routinely talking to their subjects - much less ten-year-old subjects.

On another note, this would end up telling Leon that Umbrella was involved in this incident. But you don't find that out until much later in the game due to Krauser making an appearance and "spilling the beans" so to speak about it. But of course, that's not going to be picked up on, instead we get;

“Project K?” Leon asks you but you pretend to not hear him.

Fang: I'd like to point out that when you get the Round Insignia to get inside the church to meet Ashley for the first time in the game Hunnigan tells Leon "Ashley's safety is our immediate priority".

Ashley: As it should be, considering all the horrible things that could have happened to me then! Not to mention what they could have tried to barter with my father for! I think I rather have the right to be a little angry over the fact that this... writer... just spent the time to drag the focus back to her own self-insert.

“Anyways I thought I would bargain with the president for a donation, believe it or not it takes quite a bit of money to keep this church up and running.”

Fang: I think I just got whiplash. That was such a messy transition between subjects.

“Faith in money will lead you no where Saddler.” Leon remarks.

“Oh I believe I forgot to tell you that I gave both you and Ms. Smith the same gift.”

Ashley: Is it sad that I'm having Mr. and Mrs. Smith flashbacks?

Fang: No. I'm experiencing the same thing, chica-dee.

“When we were unconscious.”

“Oh crap.” You say rubbing your neck while shivering at the thought of having something inside of you.

Fang: "Oh crap" is typically what I say when I realize I missed an important call. Not when I realize I may have some deadly parasite inside me.

“Oh I truly hope you like our small but special contributions when the eggs hatch you’ll become my puppets. Involuntarily you will do as I say; I will have total control over your minds. Don’t you think this is a revolutionary way to promulgate one’s faith Ms. Smith?

Ashley: I don't understand, why is he asking this of Karla? He asked that to Leon at the time. Is there any real reason he's suddenly focusing on Karla?

Fang: Because she's a Sue so the universe revolves around her.

Leon put an arm up in front of you protectively he could defiantly tell that Saddler was up to something.

Ashley: Uhm, hello! I'm still there, remember? The girl you came to save? Who doesn't have any fighting experience or training!

Fang: Get used to that feeling. In this fanfiction Leon will completely ignore you in favor of lavishing Karla-Sue with some form of attention even when she can help or defend herself with her Sue-per powers or military training.

Ashley:

Fang: Oh, goody! You've figured out how to use those.

“Sounds more like an alien invasion to me.” You respond narrowing your eyes at him.

Suddenly cult members burst through the doors armed with flaming crossbows, Leon immediately grabs Ashley’s wrist and your hand as you all run for the windows while breaking through them and landing outside.

Ashley: I remember this being much scarier and taking a bit longer than a few seconds, too....

Fang: Care to share?

Ashley: We were - or rather Leon was - talking to that creep and then we hear this loud bang as some of those bowmen came running inside. The arrows were on fire and Leon reacted just in time, taking my hand and pulling me out of the way of those arrows. My heart had been pounding so hard and I remember getting all scratched up on my arms and legs from the glass....

Fang: I thoroughly enjoy how you're recalling these events is much more detailed than this Suethor's attempts to write them out, by the by.

“You okay?” Leon asks the both of you as you nod.

“Leon what’s gonna happen to us?” Ashley asks obviously in distress.

Fang: I'd imagine most people who've had no reason to learn to fight in their lives, have led a fairly good and rather wealthy life as a politician and then a president's daughter would have license to be distressed in this situation.

“Don’t worry we got into to this mess and we can get out. Come on.” He says picking her up as he then lifts you up off the ground also.

Ashley: Wait, he helps me up and then helps up Karla, too? Did she just sit there on the wet ground waiting until he pulled her up?

Fang: Seems that way to me.

Locking eyes with you, you knew he had questions but you weren’t ready to answer them just yet, “Not now.” You mouth to him as he nods while smiling at you; you felt his hand still on your upper arm as you look down at it then back up at him. “I’m okay now Kennedy.”

He realizes that he still had a firm grip on you as he then lets go slightly embarrassed.

Ashley: I'm still THERE!

Fang: Get used to that feeling of being completely forgotten about until it's convenient. It's not going to stop anytime soon.

Ashley: *huffs*

“Shall we go?” he asked as he directed the question to both you and Ashley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taking the same route you took to come to the church it was so bad besides the pouring rain in the pitch dark night and the villagers were definitely not helping at all.

Fang: I've just realized something. After Leon saves Ashley here he contacts Hunnigan to let her know they have her. Hunnigan then tells Leon to head towards the extraction point in the game but that wasn't mentioned in this fanfiction. It's been completely ignored.

Ashley: Aren't military people supposed to share information and objectives between each other so they know what's going on?

Fang: Typically yes. But then again in this universe your government is apparently headed by a herd of lemmings. Intelligence isn't shared, at all. Or if it is they should have had no way of knowing the information they're sharing.

You were surprised to see that you hadn’t run out of bullets yet but my guess was because you hardly miss your targets. Really? Seriously? So we've got the author inserting herself into the narrative in a form other than her self-insert and apparently she's never missed her targets. Let's not forget we haven't actually seen that in the narrative! This fic can eat me, this blows. Reaching another gate with the insignia of the Los Illuminados (you learned about it just recently) the doors wouldn’t budge so Leon had to let Ashley stand on his back to jump to the other side.

Fang: Los Illuminados is the group that Leon was told about by Hunnigan after he first ran into Bitorez Mendez after getting strangled by him. Again, you can't just leave this information out and then expect people to follow this without being taken out of the story in disbelief!

Ashley: From what I've seen so far of this I'm actually quite surprised she didn't take my spot - being boosted over large doors to help Leon progress to the next area.

“She didn’t hurt your back did she old man?” you teased as he smirked at you.

“I’m only two years older than you are.”

“And yet six years older than her.”


He chuckled at the comment just as she unlocked the doors; standing there she looked at you then Leon. “What’s so funny?”

Ashley: Huh, what do you know? I was just thinking that, too. I mean, was that little exchange supposed to be funny at all?

Leon was about to say something when you interrupted, “Just admiring things.”

Fang: "Admiring things"? Uh-oh, watch out, Ashley. I think she managed to sneak a peak up your skirt when you were boosted up!

Ashley: Oh, come on! That's not cool, Fang! Don't ever tell me those things again!

She shrugged and the three of you began your way upon seeing a bridge and the Merchant it was defiantly a sigh of relief. No homicidal villagers this time.

“How the hell does he get here so quickly?” you said more so to yourself.

Fang: On a bike!


Ashley: Do I even want to know?

You waited with the confused blonde girl of twenty as she looked at you; you looked at her and gave a friendly smile as she did too. After buying the necessities Leon motioned for the two of you to follow and as you were crossing the bridge the shouting began.

¡“No los deje escaparse!”


¡“Consiga a muchacha!”


After crossing the bridge you looked back to where you had just been only to see a herd of Ganados coming with torches as you then looked back in front of you all to see more coming from behind a two story cabin.

Fang: Whatever happened to the Merchant over there?

Ashley: Really, Fang? That's the thing you choose to focus on?

Fang: What? It's a very real concern for me!

“What are we gonna do Leon?!” Ashley shouted frantically.

“I hate to say it but we’re sandwiched alright,” he then glanced back to the cabin remember it being there. “Quick! Karla! Ashley! In that cabin!”

You both quickly ran following close behind Leon as he went in first to check things out before pulling the both of you and shutting the door firmly with him leaned up against it.

Ashley: Again, Leon's described as tugging us both inside. Doesn't Karla ever do anything for herself?

Fang: Only when it involves staging someone up.

“Leon!” someone calls out as a large stick is thrown over to the agent and he catches it with one hand. Looking at the person he found it was none other than Luis Sera; Leon smirked while securing the stick "The stick", "the stick" - it's fucking larger than a 'stick', damnit! against the door to keep the Ganados from bursting in.

“Small world eh? I see that the president has equipped his daughter with ballistics too.” He was obviously in a flirtatious mood. When is he not? He's typically seen flirting with Ashley and Ada meaning he's a flirtatious man.

Ashley though didn’t seem to like that comment very much, “How rude! I don’t believe there is any relevance with my figure and my standing! Who are you?!” she demanded the last part.

Ashley: And I stand by my statement! I don't see how what I look like has anything to do with whose daughter I am!

Luis chuckled before replying, “Ho, ho excuse me your highness perhaps the young lady might want to introduce herself first before asking someone his name.”

“Her name is Ashley Graham the president’s daughter.” She said in a tone that clearly said she was pissed off to the point of no return.

Ashley: Believe me, you haven't seen me angry before! That was just some frustration at that pervert!

Fang: Ah, but you see, Ashley, the Suethor in question enjoys either playing things up to extremes or downplaying them immensely.

“Is she well, you know-” he started but Leon was quick to reply.

“Don’t worry she’s cool.”

“Well never mind there’s suppose to be an obvious symptom before you turn into one of them anyway.” He then walks over to where you were standing which was by the boarded window as he begins to circle you. “Ah senorita Karla, is it me or has your chest size grown since we last met?”


Fang: Okay! Now Luis is definitely OOC! He just commented on Ashley's boobs in an off-hand manner! He wouldn't just flat out say "Holá, señorita! Lovely pair of tits!" GOD DAMNIT!

Ashley: Okay, uhm... You seem a little more worked up about that than you probably should be.

Fang: Shut up.

Ashley: Oh, I get it~. You like that pervert!

Fang: Is this really the time to talk about this?

You glare at him in a very deadly way, “Lady’s man my ass! You are perverted Sera!” you hissed at him as he stopped in front of you.

“Hey, hey baby no need to blow up on me. I’m just speaking the truth.”

Fang: "Baby"? Luis doesn't say "baby"! He calls women "señorita", damnit! GRAAAH!


Ashley: Haha! You do like that pervert! I was right!

You scoff and casually look towards where Leon was which was across the room where a table and two chairs separated you. The look on his face seemed shocking because he looked jealous of the Spaniard pervert to say the least from the way he had narrowed his blue eyes at him.

Ashley: .... .... ....

Fang: .... .... ....


Ashley: Has there been any actual build up to this jealousy?

Fang: Not justified jealousy no. There's been the clichéd sappy scenes and a very forced and contrived back story involving the two meeting in Raccoon City during its zombie infestation and finding out that they know each other through that but there's no other common ground that would justify this relationship at all thus far.

And also, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FOR MAKING LUIS A PLOT DEVICE TO DRIVE IN LEON'S JEALOUSY! YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO DESECRATE LUIS' NAME AND CHARACTERIZATION LIKE THAT!

Before deciding to get Leon’s attention Ashley suddenly pointed out of the window, “Look!”

Turning away from the agent you and Luis look out the window to see the Ganados were making their way towards the cabin.

“Ashley upstairs!” Leon quickly said as he ran towards the two of you while bringing out his shotgun as Luis equips himself with the Red9 and you with your trusted handguns.

“Okay its game time.”

Fang: Oh, look at that, a chapter title drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After what seemed like hours of nonstop killing they finally stopped the ambush as they slowly retreated back to their homes.

Ashley: Did we really just skip over that terrifying ambush?! All of it?!

Fang:

You and the two men breathed a sigh of relief if it were to go on longer you wouldn’t know what to do because the sound of an empty gun was clicking every time you pulled on both triggers. Typically that'd be when you PULL OUT THE KNIFE AND USE THAT, DIP SHIT! Then again you could just use your powers but like Leon said it was better to hold off on it until you could control the force fields a little better, not to mention the shitty headaches you would get after them.

Ashley: Force fields? Does this writer get all her ideas from comic books? What a nerd!


“You okay Karla?” Leon asked while walking over to you.

You nodded your head, “My arm is paralyzed but other than that I’m fine.”

Fang: How'd it get paralyzed? This is why you can't skip over entire scenes! Especially because I get the sense that this happened sometime during the ambush and yet because it was completely omitted we have no idea what happened.

Ashley: This is beginning to make me want to learn how to fight and how to use a gun if only to be able to hunt down these Sues.

Fang: I would love to see that, actually.

“What?” he said in a worried tone as he went to inspect your left arm which had a gash above your elbow he took your arm in his hands while inspecting the wound as Luis came up beside you two.

Fang: Whatever happened to the Sue-per healing ability Karla-Sue has? Does that just appear and disappear as is convenient to the plot? And why? What purpose does that serve?

Ashley: Probably for attention. It seems to be what she's good for - getting attention in any form she can.

Fang: Look at, you - understanding Mary-Sues!

“It looks pretty deep no?” he comments and at that time Ashley came back down the steps.

“It was my mistake I shot the guy in the head; I keep forgetting they aren’t like the zombies back during the Raccoon City incident.” You mumble the last part quietly to yourself but Leon had heard as well as Luis.

“Uh you three go on ahead I forgot something.” Luis starts as he walks out of the door.

“Luis…” you mutter looking out after him. Oh, so now you care about Luis? Just before you were yelling at him for being a pervert and it seemed to border on hatred!

“We should drain the poison.” Leon suggests while leading you to the table and sat you down in one of the chairs.


Fang: Plagas-heads have poison? Since when has this happened? This is something that Gabby is pulling straight out of her ass now as it is never defined in-game that the Plagas-headed enemies have any type of venom coating their blades. If they did it would have been another element in the game and the blue herbs probably would have made another reappearance!

“What happened to your arm?” Ashley questions.

“One of the villagers got me.” You say simply.

Then came the painful draining process as Leon squeezed both sides of the wound to drain the poison and blood out, it hurt like hell but it was either this or let your arm become useless in future battles.

Fang: Actually this wouldn't work. At all. You see, once the poison is in the blood stream it's already in motion, it's being pushed around through the capillaries, veins, etc. away from the wound and on its way through the heart. Just forcing the blood out of the wound won't get the majority of the poison out especially if it's been circulating through her system for as long as it's implied it has been. Karla was injured during the ambush which - in-game - takes two to three minutes until it ends. That's a long time for poison to be flowing through the body. It would already be much too late to try and even drain the poison out by now.

That and even though you could heal yourself it would take some time for you had lost some energy during the ambush. Once it was done Leon took some gauze from your pouch and began to wrap it securely and tightly to stop the bleeding. Ashley had occupied herself by humming since what Leon was doing was pretty gross so to say.

Ashley: Yeah, it's gross but I wouldn't be sitting around humming and twiddling my thumbs!

Fang: In this fanfic you do! You get to sit there with your thumb up your butt!

Ashley:

“There.” He said satisfied with himself upon seeing the professional bandaging done by none other then himself.

“I must ask where you a nurse in one of your other lifetimes?” you ask him as he chuckles to himself.

“Not quite sweetheart.”

First senorita now sweetheart? Oh well coming from Leon was rather well, let’s just say you had butterflies every time he called you that pet name. Luis you had to admit was handsome and charming but some how Leon beat him to you.

Fang: JUST ABOVE YOU WERE COMPLETELY RABID OVER THE FACT THAT LUIS WAS "FLIRTING" WITH YOU! "LEON BEAT HIM TO YOU", HUH? NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT'S HAPPENED HERE! BECAUSE IF YOU HAD EVEN THOUGHT OF LUIS AS A POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TREATED HIM SO BADLY, AT ALL! SO DON'T YOU GO TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU THINK LUIS IS HANDSOME AND CHARMING BECAUSE WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO IT THE MOST YOU COULD COME UP WITH FOR HIM TO SAY TO FLIRT WITH KARLA WAS SOMETHING COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AND PERVERTED!


“Could we rest up a bit here?” you ask him as he nods agreeing.

“How’s your arm?” he asks.

“The paralyzing is going down little by little.”

“Well that’s good.”

Fang: Once again, Karla-Sue makes them completely stop.

Ashley: It's not like we were still in a dangerous area or anything, no, not at all! I mean, it was only important that we made it to the area this Hunnigan woman told Leon to go to so we could get away!

You stood up and decided to stretch by raising your arms Wasn't her arm still partially-paralyzed? above your head and when you did you heard a crack which to you felt good. Putting your arms down you realized that Leon had been watching the entire time as you crossed your arms.

“May I help you Kennedy?”

He leaned back in his seat coolly by putting his feet up and having his arms in his lap, “when your standing it’s kind of hard to see your face since I’m sitting down here.”


You were skeptical for a moment until suddenly your cheeks held a light red tint of embarrassment. You knew exactly what he meant. So pretending to ignore him you went behind his chair and placed a hand on the back of the seat and then knocked him back.

Ashley: I notice that she goes total bitch-face on Luis when he comments on her chest - however pervertedly she made him say it, at least his line to me was a little more covert - but when Leon comments on it she gets flustered and then pushes him off the chair. Why is there such a difference? It's the exact same offense!

Fang: *fumes* Because apparently Luis isn't good enough and only Leon will ever measure up. Leon can do no wrong in this fic but if some other guy tries to do what he does they get their head immediately ripped off. Notice she completely bitches at Luis but she keeps her composure when Leon does it.

Ashley looked at Leon on the floor as he looked up at you with bewilderment clearly plastered on his face.

“Get your head out of the gutter if you become another Luis Sera then I might re-think about giving you my number.”