People these days.

Subject: People these days. Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:41 am

Ok, so I'm talking with Fang in the Pointless Blabber thread and lo-and-behold, she got targeted by some 'Beta reader' chick who has no idea what she's doing. So, I, right here, will point out the flaws in her review. Which there will be plenty of.

Spoiler:

Chapter 1

Quote :: Don't center all your text, it's really annoying.

It's easier to read that way. Trust me.

Quote :: [It was not Professor Juniper who faded onto the screen out of the blackness.
Black and White faded into existence on the little screen. Kelly felt her brow furrow and she sat up, examining the sprites. Neither sprite looked happy, in fact, Kelly could make out bruises and scratches on each of them.]

This is melodrama out of one of the poorer creepypastas. The initial weirdness from the game should be minimal, particularly in regards to altered images, because the sprites obviously aren't the actual people unless when she gets there she sees giant eyed two dimensional anime people everywhere. Weird questions in text form are really the better option.

Dude, I know for a fact I'd be weirded out if my game loaded with a completely different title run, simply BECAUSE of all the creepypastas. I'd probably start making peace with every god I know because nine out of ten creepypastas end with some severe mental trauma or death when a game doesn't load properly or shows a different title sequence.

Quote :: [One, however, left her confused. She had never used these three Pokemon before, though Kelly's breath quickened as she realized that they were all of the very type she had intended to capture and train exclusively this go around. She hesitated before she selected this group, wondering just what she was getting into. ]

This is a very weird choice and smacks of suedom taking precedence over story. Pokemon Black in particular hammers in the friendship message, yet you have her passing over all her former pokemon, who she each deleted in order to restart, to pick new pokemon she has no attachment to and only intended to raise based on type. It seems like it's really just a matter of you wanting her to be able to raise new pokemon, not something that makes much sense for someone who's supposed to help people in the pokemon world.

You dug yourself a hole in this one. The fact Kelly skipped over her old teams shows disregard of the friendship she had with them, puts her in the same spot as everyone else in the views of team plasma. A human who only wants to use Pokemon and chooses them based off superficial things such as type. It puts more flaws on Kelly than it does advantages and good qualities.

Quote :: Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

I've already addressed this in my Pointless Blabber post, but to put it simply.

Fang is right here. You can simply have a "Hello" Dialogue.

And you DO NOT break up a sentence quote and treat it like two sentences. You treat it like you're adding another thought in to the sentence/

Example: "I wish I could," Tyriant frowned "but I really have to get going!"

Quote :: [ It was hard to make them out in the dim lighting but she could make out the form of a Vullaby, a Pawniard and a Deino. ]

...and naturally the team she was planning on happens to be a rather sueish one as well. Those previous teams you referenced would have been the far better and more original choice.

I don't have enough information to comment accurately. But from what I see these three pokemon are a pain to work with. Wouldn't that work in the character trait's advantage? Kelly could easily get herself way to in over her head and have tough goings for a good while until she gets a good strategy for battling with these pokemon. They take longer to evolve, so they could grow as the character develops.

Quote :: [The Pokemon launched himself off the ground with surprising speed and power, smashing his hard head into Kelly's jaw.]

This is a pleasing ending, though. Perhaps Kelly's terrible decision will actually be treated as terrible?

That's really insulting. Perhaps you should drop the 'tude and talk to the story writer with respect? Maybe then they'd put some salt in to your reviews. As a BETA reader you should know that. And if the author takes the time to set up a situation where the character makes a bad choice, if they're worth their salt they'll have it affect the character in a negative way that matches the choice. Think Newton's 3rd law.

Subject: Re: People these days. Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:23 pm

Quote :: You dug yourself a hole in this one. The fact Kelly skipped over her old teams shows disregard of the friendship she had with them, puts her in the same spot as everyone else in the views of team plasma. A human who only wants to use Pokemon and chooses them based off superficial things such as type. It puts more flaws on Kelly than it does advantages and good qualities.

Quote :: I don't have enough information to comment accurately. But from what I see these three pokemon are a pain to work with. Wouldn't that work in the character trait's advantage?

You know what's funny? You haven't even read the chapters and you already knew where I was going with this. It's sad that the beta reader couldn't grasp that.

I had intentionally picked Vullaby, Deino and Pawniard because they are hard to work with for trainers who know what they're doing.

So, you see what I mean that this "beta reader" does not wait for end results before bitching? Because she did the exact same thing to Oki's Ingo and Emmet fic that she had posted on ff.net, too.

» People these days. [Part 2]
» People these days. [Part 3]
» Sup People!!!
» Fang Rants: Why I Hate People - FF.net Version
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