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PostSubject: Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork   Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Icon_minitimeThu Nov 28, 2013 1:04 pm

Resident Evil: Project Zero -11- (Chris)

Yes, folks, the Suethor really is going there. Instead of going straight to chapter twelve we're instead treated again to chapter eleven - if the title has anything to say about it - only from Chris' point of view.

This is in Chris Redfield's point of view of Chapter 11. Enjoy!

Now, before we go on, I have to point something out. This entire chapter is formatted weirdly on Quizilla. A lot of the paragraphs are only single-spaced making much of the chapter a giant Wall of Text and all of the text is in bold. To spare your eyes the strain I'm not going to leave it like that, but I felt it should be something that should be pointed out even if I'm willing to give the Suethor some slack and assume it's due to Quizilla's many bugs.

Wesker hit Sheva really hard...and that was enough! Nobody does that to my partner! I pulled out my shotgun

Yes, because that's always ended up so well for everyone thus far, hasn't it? You shot Sheva with a pistol the last time you charged in trying to save her shouldn't you be - oh, I don't know - reluctant to try again?! Oh, silly me, that would just mean there's character development happening. We can't have that now can we?

and ran closer to Wesker. I pulled the trigger again and again with it, aiming for his face but he was too fast!Rebecca tried hitting him with her handgun.Sheva was lying on the street...she looked dead!

Barring the usual problems of having no tension and detail I'm going to again be generous and assume that this chapter had problems when it was posted onto Quizilla. That site is notorious for eating spaces if one isn't careful and considering how often it happens in this chapter? Only proof that it's not the fault of the Suethor for once.

However it's still entirely possible to go back and edit your chapters once they're posted and for not going back to check her work that is on the Suethor's shoulders.

I dodged Wesker's bullets that he shot at me and ran over to her.

I've never personally been shot at but at close range it would logically be hard to dodge bullets. Do you mind explaining how your shitty character can, Suethor?

Wesker was going forRebecca now.Rebecca ran a little distance and began shooting him again. But like always, Wesker dodged. I pulled out a green and red herb that I combined and helpedSheva up.

You know, it utterly baffles me as to why so many Suethors and Stuthors think it's alright to just take game mechanics and use them in their story without tweaking anything. I mean, it'd be like writing for Final Fantasy and writing about how the little numbers float above a character's head and disappears when they're damaged (seriously. I've seen this done before). It's silly and it's out of place and it's hard to get into a story that does this.

I mean, I've seen some Resident Evil writers actually describe using the herb combinations as a salve to help numb pain, etc. etc. It didn't just automatically heal everything because that's not realistic and it takes the reader right out of what they're reading. Suspension of belief is a powerful thing and if you can't inspire it in your readers you're not going to have very happy readers.

"Thank you, partner!" she said. I looked back overe atRebecca who was still using her handgun.
"Use a magnum, use a magnum!" I demanded at her.

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Tumblr_mdv561f14o1qd0j7a
You are the noob here, you are the one who shot Sheva in the leg earlier, you are the one who has no memories of what you can or can't do! WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO START BARKING ORDERS AT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE AND KNOW WHAT THEY CAN AND CAN'T DO?!

.... Wait... *doublechecks chapter title* Isn't this supposed to be Chris' point of view? Honestly, I couldn't even tell. I had set this aside for a few days and came back to it and there is nothing to differentiate between the Sue and Chris' narrative. This is why it's important to style your narrative differently when you swap character focus as you write - the narrative needs to match more with the character's personality, how they speak or else everyone sounds the same and nothing changes!

She pulled it out and tried shooting Wesker...but it was no use. Before I could speak up abouther using her handgun again, she said, "I can't! He will dodge every bullet and I don't have much magnum ammo left!"

And Rebecca had to say that because...? And why did she have to shoot first and waste that ammunition if she already knew that? And why didn't Chris already know that that would happen? He's faced off against Wesker before and knows what he's capable of, it's why he trained himself to be all big, beefy and steroid-y come the events of the fifth game!

"Rebel, watch out!"Sheva alarmed. Wesker was running impossibly fast at her and before he could,Rebecca shot him in the chest.

Who the fuck is Rebe- oh.... Oh, wait, that was that stupid nickname for Rebecca wasn't it? Jesus Christ, that will never not be a stupid nickname for Rebecca.

Wesker stopped as blood came out of his chest andRebecca ran forSheva and I. I aimed at Wesker with my handgun and before I could do anything, Wesker was already in front of me.Sheva tried shooting him but he knocked me over by kicking me and the next thing I heard was Rebecca's scream. I opened my eyes but it was all blurry. Everything was clear a moment later. What caught my attention was Wesker holdingbackRebecca by the hair with his gun pointed at her. I pointed mine at him with Sheva. Rebecca looked offly scared and struggled to get away.

I think the word you're looking for is "awfully" and I really can't remember the last time I've read anything this bland and contrite. Come on! You're in Chris' point of view already! Where's the anger and hatred at Wesker? Where's his desperation to put him down once and for all? Put some emotion into this already!

"Ms. Chambers is at her doom. Say goodbye to her, Chris." he said. Before I knew it, his gun went flying out of his hands and on to the street. Sheva and I, and even Wesker, looked around to see who shot it. Whoever it was, thank God they did what they did.

It's like the Suethor had to have every cliché in the book in this chapter, huh? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a cliché here or there, especially if the writer can put a fresh spin on it, but come on!

"Wesker!" Sheva shouted as he was just about to kill Rebecca with a knife.

Wesker doesn't need a knife! Have you seen that fucker Rhino Charge someone? It's brutal! He could just ram his hand through  Rebecca's chest and be done with it! I don't believe he even carries a knife on him anymore because of the abilities his body now has.

"No!" Rebecca yelled at the top of her lungs. Luckily Sheva shot him just in time before he was going to kill her. He let go of her and Rebecca kicked him in the stomach.

That reads a lot like Julia Nakahamou kicking Zack Bob while he was down.

She ran back over to us and stood by Sheva, pointing her gun at him like all three of us were doing. Then, a woman in a red dress with short black hair and a TMP ran out from behind a building.

"Aw, Ada. AdaWong.I'm glad you could make it." Wesker announced.

James Bond she is not, you don't need to keep saying her name like that.

"Ada Wong?" Sheva questioned as she looked over at me. I slightly shrugged. When I looked back over at them, Wesker was running at his top-speed and Ada was grappling on to the roof of a building with a grapple gun.

"Hey!" Rebecca shouted at Wesker. We all tried to shoot him but he was gone. So was that 'Ada'.

There should be a question mark at the end of that last sentence. It is a question so make it one.

Rebecca pointed at her watch, but Sheva and I didn't bother to ask what time it was.

Well, that just makes the action even less needed. Seriously, why is this something that needed to be pointed out?

We immediatly ran back to where we were suppose to meet the others. We had to hurry and tell them about Wesker.

By the time we got back, we were exausted from all the running and fighting. Everyone looked at us.
"We found him, we found Wesker!" I said between breaths.

"He got away, but I think if we find a woman named "Ada Wong" we can find him." Sheva said.
Leon looked shocked and just stared at Sheva.

Dude, just keep Chris near you. If nothing else Wesker will get in over his head again and try to take out Chris and thus you'll find him that way.

"Ada! How do you know about her?" he exclaimed.

"You know her? The woman in red?" Rebecca asked him.

"I do too. But that's impossible...she died in Raccoon City by falling off a cliff or something." Claire pointed out. Claire met her?

Can I assume that because Claire must know of her the author probably played Darkside Chronicles? That's really the only canon in which it's shown that Ada and Claire meet face to face. In the original Resident Evil 2 they never did meet, it was only Leon and Ada who had.

"No, she's alive. On the mission of saving the president's daughter, she dropped by for...a little visit." Leon said, thinking about it. What was he talking about?

"She survived? But how?" Claire wondered. "And what does Wesker want with her?"

Does any of this really matter? I can't imagine why we're spending so much time obsessing over Ada's appearance here.

"She works for him." Leon answered.

"Enough talking! We have to find this man!"I forced. He had gotten away so we needed to find him fast.Joanne noddedher head in agreement.

You know, I'd be more inclined to find this all more fascinating (even marginally so as it would be) if only the Suethor would just spend time fleshing things out! A single paragraph spent on a battle isn't enough, you have to describe things to make things truly gripping. We're from the focal point of one character that shouldn't be hard to do!

"Chris, you, Carlos and I should be a group. I want to find him with you!" Claire said.

"I dunno, Claire. I don't want you facing Wesker. You might get killed." I worried about Claire and I dunno if she could handle Wesker.

I completely forgot again that we are, for some reason, in Chris' point of view.

"Chris, please, I haven't seen you in so long and I want to fight Wesker! The chances of any of us dying are pretty high so does it really matter?" she told me. Carlos stepped up.

"She's tough and I...we will protect her. That is if anything goes wrong." Carlos said, obviously trying to convinceme to take her. He wanted to protect Claire? I wasn't sure about this but maybe it was a good idea, and Claire wanted him to come.I noddedmy head.

"Let's meet back here in about an hour or so." Claire said with a big smile on her face, "We should be able to find Wesker."

I can't imagine Claire smiling because they're going to find Wesker. I can, however, imagine her giving a playful line or two to boost morale and maybe a little wink in Leon's direction as the two seem apt to flirt with each other.

"Joanne and...David, the two new people. You can team up with me." Sheva said cheerfully.

"Okay." David said, walking over to Sheva who I noticed wasn't standing by me anymore.

"All right."Joanne said. Jill, Rebecca and Leon all looked at eachother.Rebecca knew Jill, but Leon didn't really know them and theydidn't really know Leon. But they held up their handguns and were fine with it.We all took different ways.

Did any of this actually serve any sort of a purpose at all?

I warned them to be aware as we walked through the grass behind some buildings.

What is this, Pokémon? I doubt that grass is tall enough to hide anything in it that would be a danger to you.

"Thank you, Chris." Claire said with a soft, sweet tone. I just smiled.

"If I'm going to fight off Wesker with somebody, it's gonna be you." I looked over at Carlos. "And any of your friends." Claire laughed. Carlos smiled.

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Tumblr-thosemoveslikesherlock
"Hey, guys! It's Chris, Carlos and Claire." Claire pointed out. Carlos giggled a little bit.

Oh my god, please tell me you're not trying to make this a thing...

"We could be the three C's. Chris is cool, Carlos is cranky-free...and Claire is cute." he said.

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork 177624_600
Oh, that freak...I looked over at Claire with a mad face but all she did was blush and giggle. I was furious at Carlos...he did know I'm her brother, right?

Suethor, you are aware that Claire is a college student at the time of Resident Evil 2, correct? She's not some hormone-addled teenager that needs her big brother to protect her from men. Claire is an independent woman who is more than capable of taking care of her own and Chris isn't exactly the overly-protective brother in that regard anyway.

"What? It's not everyday I see some lady like you." he said.

"I bet you wish though, right?" Claire said in a kind of flirty voice.

"C..." I was going to stop the conversation and 'talk to Carlos', but then we heard something.

"Ow! Ouch!" we heard someone say on the other side of the building. It was defidently a girl...someone we knew? Come to think of it, it kind of sounded like Joanne.

Can someone please start hitting me with a blunt object until I stop moving? This is painful to read.

"Let's go!" Claire yelled. We all ran as fast as we could for the corner of the building which was up ahead. When we got to the corner, we turned and turned the next corner. We saw the woman in the red dress, Ada, walking up to Sheva, who dropped a can of first aid spray, and Joanne and David who were lying down in pain. Carlos ran on the sidewalk getting a little closer to Ada while Claire and I just shrugged at eachother. Carlos mouthed to us to stay there. We nodded.

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Tumblr_mkwcx3j3DO1rsntc8o5_250_zpsc611743b
I don't even know what's going on anymore! Why is this relevant? Why should I give a shit?! Why?!

Ada started pointing the gun to them and Carlos was pointing his gun to Ada.

"Isn't it great that she saved you? Too bad there won't be anyone to save you after this."

I have zero ideas as to who's talking.

Then, Carlos shot the gun out of her hand and it flew. Suddenly, a wind passed by Claire and I and I noticed Wesker was there in front of Carlos, hitting him back. Wesker's back was to us, so we shot him a million times in the back as blood squirt out.

In instances like this hyperbole is not your friend. Something like "with his back to us we took the opportunity to empty our clips into his back" would work better.

But that didn't stop him. He ran at that speed of his toward Claire and I and hit us back making us fly! Oh, gosh...that hurt!

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Tumblr_inline_mg0ax9ErlO1qemuua
Especially the way I landed, and I saw Sheva and Joanne shooting at him. But Wesker quickly ran to Joanne, paused for a moment and hit her making her fly back, too. She didn't open her eyes, so that was one less Wesker had to deal with.

I don't know why Chris would be thinking that last bit of that. He'd be worried that they were done a man rather than how little Wesker now had to go 'through' to defeat them.

And that's finally the end of this train wreck of a chapter.

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Hao%202_zps5r0dztbw Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Hao%204_zpsfrj5sqwi Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Hao%203_zpsqu3dcswd
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PostSubject: Re: Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork   Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Icon_minitimeThu Nov 28, 2013 2:34 pm

This chapter is so hard to just keep track of. I hate these 'point of view' switching things because it just doesn't work. They aren't needed and they're a pain to go through. It's like sticking random point of view switches in a chapter when the character is literally standing right beside another one. They aren't needed.

I don't know if she thought this was just a good idea or if she was trying to make her story look longer or what but it's ridiculous.

The rest, as usual just comes down to mostly bull shit. I don't understand how this chick could have so many fans when half of her profiles were still up. I really don't.

But God, did it make her big headed...

Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Terumi12
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PostSubject: Re: Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork   Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Icon_minitimeFri Nov 29, 2013 5:16 am

Holy hell, I suddenly have the urge to join you in this Spork, Fang. I'm a bit rusty on some of the games, but I'd still be able to get by.

I found the fic the author has on Quizilla and am reading ahead, and most of it is making me go "WUT?" I just ... this fic is making my brain bleed....

Moved to Starry Eyed Writers, feel free to follow us there! <3
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PostSubject: Re: Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork   Resident Evil: Project Zero [11.5] Review/Spork Icon_minitime

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