Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:48 pm

Dream Drops wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:: Oh, I wouldn't mind that at all~. I would love that~. I would love to make him proud~.

Oh, I'm sure~. That does not surprise me in the slightest.

...Is it just me or did I catch a hint of a perverted innuendo in that small statement? XD

A little of Column A, a little of Column B, really. Haha

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:51 pm

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:: Oh, I wouldn't mind that at all~. I would love that~. I would love to make him proud~.

Oh, I'm sure~. That does not surprise me in the slightest.

...Is it just me or did I catch a hint of a perverted innuendo in that small statement? XD

A little of Column A, a little of Column B, really. Haha

I...I don't think Wallace would be capable of 'perverted'. XD

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:53 pm

Dream Drops wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:: Oh, I wouldn't mind that at all~. I would love that~. I would love to make him proud~.

Oh, I'm sure~. That does not surprise me in the slightest.

...Is it just me or did I catch a hint of a perverted innuendo in that small statement? XD

A little of Column A, a little of Column B, really. Haha

I...I don't think Wallace would be capable of 'perverted'. XD

Still waters run deep~. Don't judge. Haha

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:13 pm

Okay! So far my new team is!

Zweilous, Fraxure, Seel, Lumineon, and Vaporeon~.

I needs another dragon type though! Than it will be completely~.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:45 pm

Dream Drops wrote:: Okay! So far my new team is!

Zweilous, Fraxure, Seel, Lumineon, and Vaporeon~.

I needs another dragon type though! Than it will be completely~.

That's a pretty rad team.

My team so far is: Absol, Sneasel, Zweilous, Vullaby, Elektrik, and Electabuzz.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:01 pm

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Dream Drops wrote:: Okay! So far my new team is!

Zweilous, Fraxure, Seel, Lumineon, and Vaporeon~.

I needs another dragon type though! Than it will be completely~.

That's a pretty rad team.

My team so far is: Absol, Sneasel, Zweilous, Vullaby, Elektrik, and Electabuzz.

Our teams are boss~. I've still got a lot of training to do for mine though. Felix (my Vaporeon) is very, very behind in levels, my highest being Zweilous at 56 at the moment. Felix is only at 22. .__.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Fri Jan 18, 2013 11:53 pm

You know, guys, after searching for weeks for cute little Tynamo in White version it's a little dejecting to find them all over the place in Seaside Cave in Black 2....

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Wandering Leo wrote:: Sorry for the topic change but I have some news for everyone on the site and my roleplay partners, I have midterms all next week and have been cramming this week. I'd like to apologize in advance for my absents uvu

Good luck!

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Sun Jan 20, 2013 12:57 am

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: You know, guys, after searching for weeks for cute little Tynamo in White version it's a little dejecting to find them all over the place in Seaside Cave in Black 2....

I know! I searched for ever to find that freaking Tynamo. And I swear I take three steps in to Seaside Cave and BAM. Tynamo. Like, half the reward in catching the Tynamo was the fact they were hard to find?

And guys, who here had their wisdom teeth removed? I get mine out on Friday and I'm flipping balls. I hate getting my teeth worked on because it freaks me out. So like... my wisdom teeth? I don't want to be awake for that.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:00 am

Tyriant wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: You know, guys, after searching for weeks for cute little Tynamo in White version it's a little dejecting to find them all over the place in Seaside Cave in Black 2....

I know! I searched for ever to find that freaking Tynamo. And I swear I take three steps in to Seaside Cave and BAM. Tynamo. Like, half the reward in catching the Tynamo was the fact they were hard to find?

And guys, who here had their wisdom teeth removed? I get mine out on Friday and I'm flipping balls. I hate getting my teeth worked on because it freaks me out. So like... my wisdom teeth? I don't want to be awake for that.

Exactly. I got so super excited that I managed to find and catch three of them in White and now they're super easy to find in Black 2. It's a little disappointing.

Ah, I've had mine removed. Fun fact; half of my teeth are not real, so I've had a lot of work done. Wasn't exactly taught good dental habits. =3= But it's not bad - then again my dentist was amazed that I barely flinched when I had 20 needles stuck in me at one setting.... Thinking

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:27 am

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: Ah, I've had mine removed. Fun fact; half of my teeth are not real, so I've had a lot of work done. Wasn't exactly taught good dental habits. =3= But it's not bad - then again my dentist was amazed that I barely flinched when I had 20 needles stuck in me at one setting....[/color]

I'm pretty used to needles. I spent a lot of time in the Hospital when I was younger, so I kind of got used to them. They don't really phase me much, but 20?! That's some serious man-grit right there. The dentist though... that's a totally different story for me. I hardly ever go because after my first cavity I got so freaked out I started brushing like a maniac. I'm just worried about them messing around in my mouth while I'm under.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:31 am

Tyriant wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: Ah, I've had mine removed. Fun fact; half of my teeth are not real, so I've had a lot of work done. Wasn't exactly taught good dental habits. =3= But it's not bad - then again my dentist was amazed that I barely flinched when I had 20 needles stuck in me at one setting....

I'm pretty used to needles. I spent a lot of time in the Hospital when I was younger, so I kind of got used to them. They don't really phase me much, but 20?! That's some serious man-grit right there. The dentist though... that's a totally different story for me. I hardly ever go because after my first cavity I got so freaked out I started brushing like a maniac. I'm just worried about them messing around in my mouth while I'm under.

Haha, yep. About 20 at one time. Like I said, I've had a lot of dental work. And I, yet again, need more done. I have super weak teeth on top of everything else... =3=

But yeah, it's not a huge deal. You should ask if you'll get dis-solvable stitches! That's the kind of sutures I got after mine were removed. They were pretty rad~.

Ah, spent a lot of time in the hospital? The only time I've been admitted to the hospital for something or other was for a pinched nerve in my neck. Was there all Easter day. It sucked. I suppose that doesn't compare to what you went through. Haha

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Sun Jan 20, 2013 3:06 am

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:: Haha, yep. About 20 at one time. Like I said, I've had a lot of dental work. And I, yet again, need more done. I have super weak teeth on top of everything else... =3=

But yeah, it's not a huge deal. You should ask if you'll get dis-solvable stitches! That's the kind of sutures I got after mine were removed. They were pretty rad~.

Ah, spent a lot of time in the hospital? The only time I've been admitted to the hospital for something or other was for a pinched nerve in my neck. Was there all Easter day. It sucked. I suppose that doesn't compare to what you went through. Haha

I love dissoluble stitches! They're so perfect. When I had stomach surgery they stitched up my abdomen with dissoluble stitches and I was so glad I didn't need any outer stitches. Those are annoying.

To each is own, but I spent a lot of time in the hospital when I was younger. I have really bad lungs so I got Pneumonia often, and then got diagnosed with Asthma, and needed surgeries for various things, most recent being on my stomach.

I also do a lot of blood banking, like, every month kind of thing, because I have a really rare blood type (hh or Bombay type) that doesn't allow me to take the ABO blood types. So needles are pretty normal for me, just not like 20 at a time. I'm pretty sure that would freak me out.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:43 am

So, topic change real quick:

I love it when I get random reviews on ff.net that make no sense, try to be witty and ironic and end up pretentious and nonsensical and bitch about things that I did CORRECTLY after previously stating how I used something was correct.

Not to mention bitching about 'Sueish' traits while not waiting for a payoff or assuming I'm going to gloss over a conflict after building it up for FOUR CHAPTERS.... IN A FOUR CHAPTER LONG FIC THUS FAR. It's like sit yo ass down and wait for the end result!

Like.... WHAT EVEN IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING;

Quote :: Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And then having the nerve to put in her profile to not respond to her reviews and to 'block [her]' if we don't want her reviews anymore. Bitch, you are entitled to your reviews and I am equally entitled to call you out on your bullshit. Fuck right off with you!

I don't get people sometimes....

Admin PokéPartner : Posts : 2397 Reputation : 172

You and me both. The fact that she has the balls to throw bull shit reviews at any given person (especially Pokemon and Homestuck, it seems) just because she's a 'beta reader' is so pretentious and conceited, it hurts.

If we wanted a beta reader, we'd have asked for a beta reader. They should not feel inclined to just do as they please in this manner because it's friggen rude.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:51 am

This March Hare wrote:: You and me both. The fact that she has the balls to throw bull shit reviews at any given person (especially Pokemon and Homestuck, it seems) just because she's a 'beta reader' is so pretentious and conceited, it hurts.

If we wanted a beta reader, we'd have asked for a beta reader. They should not feel inclined to just do as they please in this manner because it's friggen rude.

It really is. I don't go around pointing out every little problem with fics I see in reviews. And even when I do I'm able to make sense. Half of what she said didn't even apply to the section she copypasta'd over from the chapter.

Admin PokéPartner : Posts : 2397 Reputation : 172

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

This March Hare wrote:: You and me both. The fact that she has the balls to throw bull shit reviews at any given person (especially Pokemon and Homestuck, it seems) just because she's a 'beta reader' is so pretentious and conceited, it hurts.

If we wanted a beta reader, we'd have asked for a beta reader. They should not feel inclined to just do as they please in this manner because it's friggen rude.

It really is. I don't go around pointing out every little problem with fics I see in reviews. And even when I do I'm able to make sense. Half of what she said didn't even apply to the section she copypasta'd over from the chapter.

It's so stupid. And it doesn't have to be that way.

What happened to the times when if you wanted a beta reader, they were there when you asked for the help. When did beta readers feel obligated to rip apart of fic because this one person doesn't think it's written in the way it should be.

It's not her style, it's not her writing, and she doesn't like it so you have no say on the matter!

God...what happened to fan fiction? What happened to it all?

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:02 am

This March Hare wrote:: It's so stupid. And it doesn't have to be that way.

What happened to the times when if you wanted a beta reader, they were there when you asked for the help. When did beta readers feel obligated to rip apart of fic because this one person doesn't think it's written in the way it should be.

It's not her style, it's not her writing, and she doesn't like it so you have no say on the matter!

God...what happened to fan fiction? What happened to it all?

I don't even know. I'd hesitate to call my work good but I would say it's decent, all things considered. Yes, some things are going to ask you to suspend disbelief, but this supposed "beta reader" would not do that.

Let's list the things she DID bitch about in Age of Plasma that she felt needed to be addressed;

Supposed unrealistic reaction from Kelly when the Pokemon game starts differently. Sorry that my character was weirded out by that. Most people would be.
Picking hard-to-work-with Pokemon and claiming I did it so that Kelly would be super-powered out - "Sueish" as she said.
Using a semi-colon correctly, only because she felt I was trying to be "sophisticated" by using it.
Having Kelly slip-up and reveal something from the real world that the Poke-world does not have.
Not being reasonable in Kelly's explanation when she still is trying to convince herself she's dreaming. If she thinks it's not real why would she be reasonable?
" The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn't match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she's just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn't come off as balanced when she tells it." <-- I don't even know what she was saying there.
Accusing me of possibly 'glossing over' the conflict of Kelly's three Pokemon not listening to her at all after building it up for four chapters.

Now let's look at what she COULD have pointed out rightfully in the reviews that I caught while proofreading them again in light of this "concrit."

Typos out the wazoo. Did I even proofread?
A tense swap between past and present in one sentence that fucked it up entirely.
Not fleshing out the interrogation scene more for more realism.

And here I thought she was supposed to be a beta reader.

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Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

This March Hare wrote:: It's so stupid. And it doesn't have to be that way.

What happened to the times when if you wanted a beta reader, they were there when you asked for the help. When did beta readers feel obligated to rip apart of fic because this one person doesn't think it's written in the way it should be.

It's not her style, it's not her writing, and she doesn't like it so you have no say on the matter!

God...what happened to fan fiction? What happened to it all?

I don't even know. I'd hesitate to call my work good but I would say it's decent, all things considered. Yes, some things are going to ask you to suspend disbelief, but this supposed "beta reader" would not do that.

Let's list the things she DID bitch about in Age of Plasma that she felt needed to be addressed;

Supposed unrealistic reaction from Kelly when the Pokemon game starts differently. Sorry that my character was weirded out by that. Most people would be.
Picking hard-to-work-with Pokemon and claiming I did it so that Kelly would be super-powered out - "Sueish" as she said.
Using a semi-colon correctly, only because she felt I was trying to be "sophisticated" by using it.
Having Kelly slip-up and reveal something from the real world that the Poke-world does not have.
Not being reasonable in Kelly's explanation when she still is trying to convince herself she's dreaming. If she thinks it's not real why would she be reasonable?
" The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn't match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she's just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn't come off as balanced when she tells it." <-- I don't even know what she was saying there.
Accusing me of possibly 'glossing over' the conflict of Kelly's three Pokemon not listening to her at all after building it up for four chapters.

Now let's look at what she COULD have pointed out rightfully in the reviews that I caught while proofreading them again in light of this "concrit."

Typos out the wazoo. Did I even proofread?
A tense swap between past and present in one sentence that fucked it up entirely.
Not fleshing out the interrogation seen more for more realism.

And here I thought she was supposed to be a beta reader.

Dude, she's totally doing her job! Totally doing it well!

You and I both know that proof reading and me never go hand in hand well and she didn't even point out any of those mistakes either.

This chick, she just wants everything written her way. I'm sorry, that's not how it works, dammit.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:11 am

This March Hare wrote:: Dude, she's totally doing her job! Totally doing it well!

You and I both know that proof reading and me never go hand in hand well and she didn't even point out any of those mistakes either.

This chick, she just wants everything written her way. I'm sorry, that's not how it works, dammit.

Oh, definitely. I keep rereading these reviews trying to decide what she was trying to tell me.

Chapter 4's review was so short and she could only bitch about the upcoming flaw that most fics suffer from under assumption that it made it obvious what she's doing. She's just looking for things to bitch about. The other three reviews? Ridiculously long.

While I will admit that TWO things she said - Kelly's explanation being more reasonable/natural and some scenes needing more fleshing out - were valid she bitched about all the wrong things about them.

And, no, that isn't how it works. Beta readers help to fix typos and grammatical mistakes as well as information (such as cultural information, etc. etc.). They aren't entitled to throw out entire ideas under the premise of "And she really isn't talking like she's sane." Because, newsflash, I WAS BUILDING THAT UP SO THAT'D IT WOULD BE A CONFLICT LATER DOWN THE ROAD!

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:14 am

Quote :: Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

(Sorry for the lengthy post. She just got on my nerves.)

If I may address this "Review" (and I use that term lightly) I'd like to point out two things

1) It makes perfect gramatical and literal sense to simply have a quotation of "Hello" instead of a "Hello." (She said.) Book Authors do it, other fanfiction authors do it, it's quite common.

Example:

Quote :: Tyriant looked behind her and smiled.

"Hello there!"

Because of the sentence before hand, one can naturally assume that Tyriant is the one saying the following phrase. If it were another person saying that, the other person would usually be clarified with the quote.

2) Breaking up your quote mid-sentence is NOT treated like making two sentences.

Example:

Quote :: "I'd love to," Tyriant started, "but I really have to get going now."

As anyone with any sense of writing skill could tell, you're basically adding an interjection in to the sentence. You don't treat the following quote like a new sentence.

Quote :: "I'd love to." Tyriant started, "But I really have to get going now."

This would be incorrect

Are you sure you're a Beta reader Ms. Reviewer? I feel sorry for the Authors you beta for. They obviously don't know a good beta reader when they see it.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:18 am

Oh, the lengthy post is quite alright~. I'm glad it's not just me overreacting, really. She got me so steamed up.

That's not even the brunt of her reviews. She left four of them - one for each chapter. If you'd like I have them compiled in this spoiler so you can check them out.

Spoiler:

Chapter 1 Review wrote:: Don't center all your text, it's really annoying.

[It was not Professor Juniper who faded onto the screen out of the blackness.
Black and White faded into existence on the little screen. Kelly felt her brow furrow and she sat up, examining the sprites. Neither sprite looked happy, in fact, Kelly could make out bruises and scratches on each of them.]

This is melodrama out of one of the poorer creepypastas. The initial weirdness from the game should be minimal, particularly in regards to altered images, because the sprites obviously aren't the actual people unless when she gets there she sees giant eyed two dimensional anime people everywhere. Weird questions in text form are really the better option.

[One, however, left her confused. She had never used these three Pokemon before, though Kelly's breath quickened as she realized that they were all of the very type she had intended to capture and train exclusively this go around. She hesitated before she selected this group, wondering just what she was getting into. ]

This is a very weird choice and smacks of suedom taking precedence over story. Pokemon Black in particular hammers in the friendship message, yet you have her passing over all her former pokemon, who she each deleted in order to restart, to pick new pokemon she has no attachment to and only intended to raise based on type. It seems like it's really just a matter of you wanting her to be able to raise new pokemon, not something that makes much sense for someone who's supposed to help people in the pokemon world.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ It was hard to make them out in the dim lighting but she could make out the form of a Vullaby, a Pawniard and a Deino. ]

...and naturally the team she was planning on happens to be a rather sueish one as well. Those previous teams you referenced would have been the far better and more original choice.

[The Pokemon launched himself off the ground with surprising speed and power, smashing his hard head into Kelly's jaw.]

This is a pleasing ending, though. Perhaps Kelly's terrible decision will actually be treated as terrible?

Chapter 2 Review wrote:: ["Uhm, yeah, so my name's Kelly; who might you be? ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Well, at least she's trying to explain what happened for once, instead of deciding to keep it a secret.

["Templars...?" Caitlin yawned, swiping at the tears in her eyes.
"Oh, what you don't have those here?" Searching the faces of those around her Kelly heaved a sigh before she closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Fuck, I stepped in it...]

Or not. If she's going with the claim she mysteriously woke up there with unknown pokemon, why avoid the other world half? It's not like it's particularly less believable than the rest, and at least it gives a alternative explanation for what happened than that she's a spy who can't think up an excuse for being caught.

Chapter 3 Review wrote:: Well, at least that's done with.

[lly bit her lip before she said "You're all apart of a video game where I come from and I don't mean that you're all super famous and just so happen to star in a game, either. I mean, your world, the Pokemon, your personalities - everything was scripted and fleshed out by people for marketing and entertainment."
With that she smiled sardonically]

Although she's really not even trying to sound reasonable here. This isn't how someone would sound trying to explain something unbelievable is true, it's more like she's trying to make her story sound as impossible as she can - which, in turn, does your own story no favors, to emphasize how little it makes sense for a crossover like this to work.

[The woman that they had stumbled upon was a rather strange one. Even stranger was when Reuniclus could detect no lies from her wild story. ]

But as she herself points out, that just means they should think she's crazy. You don't have anything here about psychics normally being able to detect that as well, and they need to be able to rule out both options before they face up to the idea it's the truth.

And she really isn't talking like she's sane. The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn't match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she's just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn't come off as balanced when she tells it.

Chapter 4 Review wrote:: Nice to see her pokemon's lack of respect for her when she's apparently just a stranger to them, but disappointing to see it looks like it'll be glossed over. The pokemon having their own thoughts and opinions is one of the things really lacking from the game, so I'd expect a person from our world to have more of a reaction to it. And this is dodging the issue that they really have no reason to want to obey her - by appearances, she didn't even capture them, and she's showing no signs she knows anything about being a trainer either.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:20 am

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Oh, the lengthy post is quite alright~. I'm glad it's not just me overreacting, really. She got me so steamed up.

That's not even the brunt of her reviews. She left four of them - one for each chapter. If you'd like I have them compiled in this spoiler so you can check them out.

Spoiler:

Chapter 1 Review wrote:: Don't center all your text, it's really annoying.

[It was not Professor Juniper who faded onto the screen out of the blackness.
Black and White faded into existence on the little screen. Kelly felt her brow furrow and she sat up, examining the sprites. Neither sprite looked happy, in fact, Kelly could make out bruises and scratches on each of them.]

This is melodrama out of one of the poorer creepypastas. The initial weirdness from the game should be minimal, particularly in regards to altered images, because the sprites obviously aren't the actual people unless when she gets there she sees giant eyed two dimensional anime people everywhere. Weird questions in text form are really the better option.

[One, however, left her confused. She had never used these three Pokemon before, though Kelly's breath quickened as she realized that they were all of the very type she had intended to capture and train exclusively this go around. She hesitated before she selected this group, wondering just what she was getting into. ]

This is a very weird choice and smacks of suedom taking precedence over story. Pokemon Black in particular hammers in the friendship message, yet you have her passing over all her former pokemon, who she each deleted in order to restart, to pick new pokemon she has no attachment to and only intended to raise based on type. It seems like it's really just a matter of you wanting her to be able to raise new pokemon, not something that makes much sense for someone who's supposed to help people in the pokemon world.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ It was hard to make them out in the dim lighting but she could make out the form of a Vullaby, a Pawniard and a Deino. ]

...and naturally the team she was planning on happens to be a rather sueish one as well. Those previous teams you referenced would have been the far better and more original choice.

[The Pokemon launched himself off the ground with surprising speed and power, smashing his hard head into Kelly's jaw.]

This is a pleasing ending, though. Perhaps Kelly's terrible decision will actually be treated as terrible?

Chapter 2 Review wrote:: ["Uhm, yeah, so my name's Kelly; who might you be? ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Well, at least she's trying to explain what happened for once, instead of deciding to keep it a secret.

["Templars...?" Caitlin yawned, swiping at the tears in her eyes.
"Oh, what you don't have those here?" Searching the faces of those around her Kelly heaved a sigh before she closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Fuck, I stepped in it...]

Or not. If she's going with the claim she mysteriously woke up there with unknown pokemon, why avoid the other world half? It's not like it's particularly less believable than the rest, and at least it gives a alternative explanation for what happened than that she's a spy who can't think up an excuse for being caught.

Chapter 3 Review wrote:: Well, at least that's done with.

[lly bit her lip before she said "You're all apart of a video game where I come from and I don't mean that you're all super famous and just so happen to star in a game, either. I mean, your world, the Pokemon, your personalities - everything was scripted and fleshed out by people for marketing and entertainment."
With that she smiled sardonically]

Although she's really not even trying to sound reasonable here. This isn't how someone would sound trying to explain something unbelievable is true, it's more like she's trying to make her story sound as impossible as she can - which, in turn, does your own story no favors, to emphasize how little it makes sense for a crossover like this to work.

[The woman that they had stumbled upon was a rather strange one. Even stranger was when Reuniclus could detect no lies from her wild story. ]

But as she herself points out, that just means they should think she's crazy. You don't have anything here about psychics normally being able to detect that as well, and they need to be able to rule out both options before they face up to the idea it's the truth.

And she really isn't talking like she's sane. The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn't match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she's just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn't come off as balanced when she tells it.

Chapter 4 Review wrote:: Nice to see her pokemon's lack of respect for her when she's apparently just a stranger to them, but disappointing to see it looks like it'll be glossed over. The pokemon having their own thoughts and opinions is one of the things really lacking from the game, so I'd expect a person from our world to have more of a reaction to it. And this is dodging the issue that they really have no reason to want to obey her - by appearances, she didn't even capture them, and she's showing no signs she knows anything about being a trainer either.

This is going to be fun. I might just take this and put it in it's own blog entry so as not to clog up this thread.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:22 am

Tyriant wrote:

Mad Hatter's Passion wrote:

Oh, the lengthy post is quite alright~. I'm glad it's not just me overreacting, really. She got me so steamed up.

That's not even the brunt of her reviews. She left four of them - one for each chapter. If you'd like I have them compiled in this spoiler so you can check them out.

Spoiler:

Chapter 1 Review wrote:: Don't center all your text, it's really annoying.

[It was not Professor Juniper who faded onto the screen out of the blackness.
Black and White faded into existence on the little screen. Kelly felt her brow furrow and she sat up, examining the sprites. Neither sprite looked happy, in fact, Kelly could make out bruises and scratches on each of them.]

This is melodrama out of one of the poorer creepypastas. The initial weirdness from the game should be minimal, particularly in regards to altered images, because the sprites obviously aren't the actual people unless when she gets there she sees giant eyed two dimensional anime people everywhere. Weird questions in text form are really the better option.

[One, however, left her confused. She had never used these three Pokemon before, though Kelly's breath quickened as she realized that they were all of the very type she had intended to capture and train exclusively this go around. She hesitated before she selected this group, wondering just what she was getting into. ]

This is a very weird choice and smacks of suedom taking precedence over story. Pokemon Black in particular hammers in the friendship message, yet you have her passing over all her former pokemon, who she each deleted in order to restart, to pick new pokemon she has no attachment to and only intended to raise based on type. It seems like it's really just a matter of you wanting her to be able to raise new pokemon, not something that makes much sense for someone who's supposed to help people in the pokemon world.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ It was hard to make them out in the dim lighting but she could make out the form of a Vullaby, a Pawniard and a Deino. ]

...and naturally the team she was planning on happens to be a rather sueish one as well. Those previous teams you referenced would have been the far better and more original choice.

[The Pokemon launched himself off the ground with surprising speed and power, smashing his hard head into Kelly's jaw.]

This is a pleasing ending, though. Perhaps Kelly's terrible decision will actually be treated as terrible?

Chapter 2 Review wrote:: ["Uhm, yeah, so my name's Kelly; who might you be? ]

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Well, at least she's trying to explain what happened for once, instead of deciding to keep it a secret.

["Templars...?" Caitlin yawned, swiping at the tears in her eyes.
"Oh, what you don't have those here?" Searching the faces of those around her Kelly heaved a sigh before she closed her eyes, shaking her head. "Fuck, I stepped in it...]

Or not. If she's going with the claim she mysteriously woke up there with unknown pokemon, why avoid the other world half? It's not like it's particularly less believable than the rest, and at least it gives a alternative explanation for what happened than that she's a spy who can't think up an excuse for being caught.

Chapter 3 Review wrote:: Well, at least that's done with.

[lly bit her lip before she said "You're all apart of a video game where I come from and I don't mean that you're all super famous and just so happen to star in a game, either. I mean, your world, the Pokemon, your personalities - everything was scripted and fleshed out by people for marketing and entertainment."
With that she smiled sardonically]

Although she's really not even trying to sound reasonable here. This isn't how someone would sound trying to explain something unbelievable is true, it's more like she's trying to make her story sound as impossible as she can - which, in turn, does your own story no favors, to emphasize how little it makes sense for a crossover like this to work.

[The woman that they had stumbled upon was a rather strange one. Even stranger was when Reuniclus could detect no lies from her wild story. ]

But as she herself points out, that just means they should think she's crazy. You don't have anything here about psychics normally being able to detect that as well, and they need to be able to rule out both options before they face up to the idea it's the truth.

And she really isn't talking like she's sane. The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn't match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she's just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn't come off as balanced when she tells it.

Chapter 4 Review wrote:: Nice to see her pokemon's lack of respect for her when she's apparently just a stranger to them, but disappointing to see it looks like it'll be glossed over. The pokemon having their own thoughts and opinions is one of the things really lacking from the game, so I'd expect a person from our world to have more of a reaction to it. And this is dodging the issue that they really have no reason to want to obey her - by appearances, she didn't even capture them, and she's showing no signs she knows anything about being a trainer either.

This is going to be fun. I might just take this and put it in it's own blog entry so as not to clog up this thread.

Hahaha, by all means. Or in Rants and Reviews. Either or, really.

Jesus Christ, this made me so mad, though. Like, seriously, thanks for bitching me out for using a semi-colon properly. Really, that's awesome.

Subject: Re: Pointless Blabber Again! ver. 2 Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:23 am

She probably can't use a semi-colon properly. It took me FOREVER to learn to do that.

Edit, here's part 1 for those interested/
http://www.assassinsden.net/t1773-people-these-days#10378

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