Resident Evil: Project Zero [3] Spork/Review

Resident Evil: Project Zero -3-

Hey, so last time Joanne was following David and he exploded a bunch of zombies and she heard a cry for help.

That's just - oh, God... That is just the stupidest summary I've ever seen... And I've seen some pretty stupid summaries before.

"Heeelp!!!!!" a poor cry came from behind a fence. David and I ran for the fence, but it was to high for us to climb over.

If there was any emotional weight and atmosphere behind this I'd be more inclined to care.

He looked over at me and cupped his hands and placed them low enough for me to stand on. "I'll give you a boost!" he planned.

Yeah, planned. That's totally what planned means. Definitely. Anyone who thinks otherwise is... actually smarter than whoever wrote this.

I pulled out my handgun and stepped on his hands, reached for the top of the fence and pulled up. I did a cool move where I kicked both my legs over the fence like you see in movies, but I bet David could do that easily, he was like a cop...maybe he was?

Yeah, because that totally suffices for actual detail. Just a giant run-on sentence. That's so cool. It's the hype. It's totally the hypest.

I landed on my feet and saw somebody lying on the ground, a girl with long, brown hair and a blue cap. There was a gun by her, but the zombie on top of her looked like it was trying to eat her face off!

Gee, I wonder why the zombie that typically eats flesh would look as if it's trying to eat someone's face off.... What a thinker!

I pointed my handgun at the zombie but was careful to to hit the woman, so I really needed to concentrate on my aiming.

Oh, yeah! Gotta be so careful and hit that woman you're trying to protect!

The lasor looked like it would shoot it in the head, so I gave it a try and pulled the trigger. The head popped right off.

Wow, it's like this story has no continuous characterization at all! Just a chapter ago this chick couldn't hit the broad side of a barn and now she can shoot a zambie's head right off in one try!

The woman pushed the body off her and grabbed her gun. "Oh, wow, thanks." she said. I really liked her voice. It was different and unique. "No problem. My name is Joanne. Yours?"

"Jill."

If anyone was legitimately surprised that this was Jill please exit the room immediately. You haven't been here long enough.

"Nice meeting you Jill. Hey, wait a second...Jill? I think..." I pulled out the radio I picked up. I looked at it while she walked over to me, looking at it.

"I heard you through this." I said. Jill pulled out the same radio and nodded. "So, that same zombie was attacking you this whole time? You needed help earliar too, didn't you? Wanted some guy named George." I asked her.

Oh, yeah, the big bad ass that is Jill mother fuckin' Valentine needed help from a little girl who previously couldn't protect herself with shit. Yeah, that's some hype story-telling right there, let me tell you!

"Yeah, I got a few shots at it, but then it attacked again...that's when you come in. Wait just a minute...did you say George? That's his radio!" I could tell she was confused. I also remember the cop...or what looked like a cop, was dead and he had the radio.

This is the look of a story that is just so in depth I can punch my whole fist through it it's so deep. No lie. [ / sarcasm mode ]

"Oh, about that, the guy I found this radio from...was dead." She looks at the ground. "Oh no..." Jill started walking away slowly. She certainly wasn't happy to hear that.

Show me don't tell me.

She put the radio close to her mouth. "Chris, George is dead. Now we have no other choice but to call in a chopper...the mission's over."

"Oh," the voice from the radio said, followed by a sigh. "Rodger that." After that, Jill turned back to me. "This place will be bombed any minute now. We need to get to the Police Station and wait for the chopper." she explained.

For someone who is super sad about this random guy's death I'm seeing no inkling of this super sadness. Just breezing over things like this really hurts your story and characterizations.

Okay, just a question. If the place was going to be bombed any minute, then how come Jill was so calm? Calm. That's the thing I really couldn't understand.

"What?!" I exclaimed.

"It's a long story. Let's just say that now we don't have George or his key, we can't stop this place from exploding. I don't think we have the time anyway." she explained.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! .... Wait. Hold the phone, here. George is dead, we've no inkling if he's turned into a zambie so why doesn't this chick just lead Jill back to the dead body to filch the key to use?

I nodded my head in agreement. We ran over to the fence. Did I mention it was made out of bricks?

No, you hadn't, because your writer seems to think not describing things is the epitome of awesomeness of all writers everywhere.

"So, how did you get over?" Jill asked me. "Someone gave me a boost." I said, remembering what David said. I'll give you a boost. "Here, push me up." she forced. she jumped and grabbed onto the ledge of the fence. I grabbed her feet and pushed her up until she was on top of the fence. She let out her hand and I grabbed it, her pulling me up and my feet pushing the wall so I could get up. I had to admit, it was a lot of work.

Not that we would know considering you're just telling us what's happening and not describing the effort involved. Gee, it's almost as if the writer never thought this story through.

We breathed.


I saw David turn around and see us. We both jumped off the fence. "David, this is Jill. Jill, David." I introduced. He flashed her hot smiled and she smiled right back at him. How come he didn't smile at me the first time? Was there something I was missing out on?

Yeah, it's because you're a flast-chested idiot. ... Yes, I'm totally objectifying this character. No, I really don't care what you all say to that.

"We gotta get to the Police Station for a chopper. This place is about to be bombed. There's no time to explain." she mentioned.

Pray tell, where would the helicopter land? Does this police station have a helipad? Those things tend to be rather important to reaching a helicopter.

"Great. We were on our way there, anyway." he said.

"We were?" I asked. "Yeah, yeah we were." he replied. Well, atleast now I knew where we were going.

The only reason you didn't know that before is because you were too much of a wussy to actually ask. Then again every time you open up your mouth you say something stupid so I guess I can't blame you much for wanting to minimize that happening.

"C'mon, we don't have much time." Jill forced. They both ran in front of me. I didn't remember where the Police Station was...I couldn't remember anything. But why was it that way? Maybe Jill knew.

You just met each other, why the hell would Jill know why you have a dose of plot-induced amnesia?

I was going to ask her on the chopper, I can't possibly forget.

Which, naturally, means you are totally going to forget. You are going to forget so hard.

We kept taking turnns on different streets, and jumping fences like David and I did but this time we were on a time limit! A few zombies came alive on the way, but we skipped them because they were going to explode anyway! David almost was eaten by a zombie, or the UroBoros monsters or whatever, but Jill shot it in time. Gosh, did she have good aim or what?! We finally made it to the Police Station, right when the chopper got there. Talk about perfect timing total convenience! We ran inside so we could get to the roof, or heliport, and not have to bother with this city anymore. Then, I remembered something. This is where I was born. Now it was going to be bombed. No time to stop it now, but I would if only I had known. Goodbye Bigton City.

Wow, just... This sounds like a really watered-down, less entertaining version of when Emrakul decides to summarize Supernatural episodes. The difference with that and this, however, is that you can't just summarize everything that happens into a giant paragraph in a story. It really shows your lack of talent when you do.

Maybe its just me, but the last time I checked fences were make or metal or wood. Bricks however are made into walls. I really couldn't understand that with a lot of things. This is why some people should never be granted free time, or the use of paper and pencil..

Legendary Aries wrote:

ADreamingEmi wrote:

Maybe its just me, but the last time I checked fences were make or metal or wood. Bricks however are made into walls. I really couldn't understand that with a lot of things. This is why some people should never be granted free time, or the use of paper and pencil..

Actually, bricks are used quite a bit in several fence types as seen here:

Spoiler:

The thing with brick, however, is that they tend to be used in areas where they don't need to be replaced as often by weather damage or otherwise they are treated with pretty specific and high end stuff. Brick walls tend to be coated over and look more like cement or plaster walls to help keep them in tip top shape, to protect against weather and water damage and as you can see above most brick fences are even split up by way of nice gates or bars to see through. Bricks are used for places to look pretty and wouldn't be as the author thinks a brick fence would be like.

Examples of plastered brick walls;

Gotcha. It was her crappy way of explaining it. Lol. But they are a smarter choice than regular wood. And they do look nicer.