Resident Evil: Project Zero [4] Spork/Review

When last we left off.... Well, I don't even recall what happened when last we left off.

Oh, dear.... Truly, the mark of a bad story if it cannot even leave a lasting impression on the audience!

Resident Evil: Project Zero -4-

So, tell me, has the title been explained as of yet?

Shauntal, we're in a Mary-Sue story, what do you think?

Well, that is certainly disappointing....

...We ran inside so we could get to the roof, or heliport, and not have to bother with this city anymore. Then, I remembered something. This is where I was born. Now it was going to be bombed. No time to stop it now, but I would if only I had known. Goodbye Bigton City...

This is quite sudden. From the cliff notes that Fang has provided me with there has been no mention that this protagonist had recalled anything at all!

Sadly, we should probably get used to that. It's a common theme in Mary-Sue writing as the Suethors can't be bothered to pace things out or introduce them in natural ways.

"Hurry! Hurry!" Jill yelled. We climbed up tons of stairs, it was so exausting. I could barely breathe anymore. Yes! Finally we made it to the heliport. Whoever was piloting the chopper dropped down a ladder. Jill hurried up the ladder, David waiting for me to climb next. You know the saying, ladies first. I was tired, so I climbed slower than Jill but I was already in the chopper before I knew it. Jill helped me in and waited for David to help him. David didn't quite make it up the ladder yet when the chopper started flying away. Seconds later, he climbed aboard. Jill helped him up. When the chopper was very high, I looked out and the city was already being bombed. It was a horrible image, all those buildings and roads being blown to pieces. I may have been unhappy about the place where I was born was being blown apart, but glad to know I survived. And I owed it all to David and Jill. That reminded me...

I....

Yeah.

This has to be a joke, no one is this bad at writing!

Drink it in, Shauntal. This is what people do to your beloved hobby.

Why would you make me do this with you?! This is horrible! There is no feeling for anything so that the readers can grow attached! There's no descriptions of smells or sights or sounds so that the audience can visualize!

Why'd I bring you in on this one? Simple; if I've got to look at it so do you.

*tosses Fang a half-hearted glare*

"Hey, Jill..." I was the first to speak out of anyone on the chopper because it's all about ME, and I noticed two other people. One was a man with freakin' huge muscles, short brown hair and a shotgun. The other was a female somewhere in her twenty's, with brown hair tied in a ponytail a blue tanktop with kickin' sweet boots, holding a machine gun.

Now wait just a minute, when did these two arrive?!

For shame, Shauntal! To ask a Suethor to actually have things run naturally and make sense would be like asking an Onix to fly!

This is so sloppy! How can anyone appreciate this? How can anyone be proud of this?

Question of the ages.

"Yes?" Jill said.

"Um... do you know anything about me losing my memory and forgetting everything that happened the last past days and woke up in a room with nothing but an iron table? I know it's weird asking you this...but I gotta know."

: WHY WOULD ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT?!

Why would the author even think that this is a good lead up? This is so horrid!

I don't even know. I really don't. The protagonist here seems to continue thinking that everyone's going to instantly know what's wrong with her despite them not recognizing her at all.

Jill just sighed and looked at the man. He looked back at her as if they were reading eachother's minds. Did they know?

"So, she's the experiment." the woman said, sounding sad. She had an african voice, I noticed. Experiment? What the heck were they talking about?

Aw, geez... I was expecting it and it's still monumentally stupid!

Really? Really? This is how you handle your big reveal? Where's the emotion? The mystery? Where is the interest?!

Everyone took a seat. David and I just sat because they did, but I had a feeling they were going to tell me the story. If there was a story...

Pffft! This reads like a child getting ready for bed!

"Albert Wesker was the man who bombed Bigton City. We tried to stop him, but as you can see we couldn't get to him in time." Jill began. Okay...

Why would he bomb a city? Wesker just lets viruses run rampant to incite chaos and run tests.

"A partner of ours, George Wilson, was the only one who had the code to get to Wesker's lab. We probably would have been too late, anyway." the man said. What did any of this have to do with me?

So, what stopped Mr. Wilson from giving the code to them before hand in case of something untimely happening to him? This isn't very well thought out at all! I can spot so many holes in this plot!

That would imply that there is a plot to begin with.

"Interesting story so far, but what does it have to do with me?"

Apparently fucking everything, as is usually the case with Mary-Sues.

"We'll get there." Jill answered. "Anyways, he created a virus called Project Zero causing animals to kill any human being it sees. As for the humans, a virus called UroBoros which came from Africa." Jill explained. The woman took it from there.


"Turns out he wanted to see what would happen if a human got the Project Zero virus in them, he was going to use you as his experiment. I guess he changed his mind for some reason, but they put you on that iron table as a project." she said. Wow, I had so many questions.

I don't think that the writer understands that viruses or not named after projects like this....

Same here. Project numbers and names go to the subject being studied, not to the finalized name of whatever is causing changes in the project.

"Okay, but why did he pick me?" I asked, I didn't have enough information.

"You were the closest survivor and first he found. Just picked a random person I guess." the woman said.


"Yeah but what about my memory? What damaged it?" I asked. They all looked at one another.

"Don't know. I don't think Wesker knows, either. But we all estimate, including Wesker, that you banged your head so hard on something or a UroBoros creature damaged it. Maybe even an animal from Project Zero. As simple as that." the man answered. Wait...you're telling me I lost my memory by banging my head or being attacked by a creature? How bogus was that!?

How would - !! .... How would they know what Wesker estimates?! What did they just call him up for a casual chat? Invite him over for tea and crumpets because we're apparently British now?! This doesn't make any sense!

"I am so sorry, I should introuduce everyone. Okay, so everyone knows that Joanne, correct?" Jill said, looking over at me. Everyone nodded. "All right, that's David," she pointed over at him, "This is Chris and this is Sheva." Jill said, looking over at the two. David and I nodded. Now I knew their name's finally.


No shit, you were just told them!

I'm beginning to worry for two things; either the author is rather slow herself.... or the author believes the reading audience is so slow that she must hold our hands through things like this.... Both are concerning in and of themselves.

"Next mission, we have to stop Wesker from destroying all of North America!" Sheva exclaimed. Wow, what kind of jobs did these people have? "What?" Chris said.

"He's planning to take over North America and compared to just one place here in America, Bigton, that's huge! Then, Project Zero monsters will take over. He's trying to make it a monster zone! Why would he do that? It's so stupid!" Sheva admitted, upset. Everyone agreed with that, it WAS stupid.

Uhm, no. Wesker wanted to be a God at the end. He created Uroboros to weed out all of those 'unworthy' and find the few that Uroboros would bond with DNA-wise to create his new world. He wasn't out for just one country.

"How do you know all of this?" Jill asked, kind of surprised.

"George got the information from files Wesker left about. Then he told me." she responded.

Jill looked over at David and I. She half smiled at us for some reason. "Would you two like to go on a mission with us? We'll need all the help we can get." Jill asked nicely.

THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS! Civilians and any random Joe that they run into on a mission prior do not just go along on their next missions! It's stupid! How can they trust them, know that they can handle their own in certain situations, know what training they have? THIS IS NOT HOW THINGS WORK!

"What? We can't take them with us, it's too dangrous and they aren't part of the BSAA." Chris argued.

"No, but they do know how to shoot a gun. Besides, is your sister part of the BSAA? Is that guy that saved the president's daughter part of the BSAA? No they are not but they're going on the mission anyway."

You're a fucking idiot, writer. Claire never actively went out to get into trouble, she ran into it while searching for her brother! Likewise Leon was a government agent WHO WAS DIRECTLY TASKED WITH GOING OUT AND SAVING THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER AT ALL COSTS!

"Yes but they are professions at shooting and actually GOING on missions! We can't bring them."

They seemed to argue on and on about whether we should go or not, but I don't think I would anyway. Chris is right, we can't do what they do, we're not as good. Sheva decided to come sit by David and I. Just like me, and probably David, she was getting sick of the argument.

This is quite a horrible feat. I don't think I've ever seen such a more vapid and dry character before in my life!

"I think..." before Sheva could say the whole sentance, a loud rocket launcher flew by the chopper. Jill and Chris sure shut up, and I jumped out of my skull.


Maybe a rocket launcher flew by me and that's how I lost my memory.


"Ugh oh, we've got company!" Chris warned. "We'll talk about this later." Jill said, pulling out her handgun. Everyone went and looked out the chopper, so I just followed but stayed a little bit behind. I peeked out and another chopper full of UroBoros zombies were holding rocket launchers and were ready to shoot them at us. Dang!

THAT'S NOT - !!! ..... ...... ......

"Can you guys handle it?" the pilot said. I wasn't sure who he was.

"We can!" Sheva confidently exclaimed.

"Let's kill these sons..." Okay, Chris said something right there but I'm not really in the mood to say it. XD!

If it goes against your sensibilities or nature to say such things than it is advised not to write them down. Especially so if you can not do so in a clever or witty way.



Chris Redfield



Sheva Alomar



Jill Valentine



David


First Name: Joanne

Last Name: ???

Eye Color: Light Brown

Hair Color: Brunette (Red Highlights)

Hair: Rasor cut, Medium

Makeup: Mascara and Eyeliner

Jus - what is this? Really? How can someone think that telling a story, one meant to be taken seriously, can get by with such a lax, sloppy way of showing what characters look like? You are to describe it in the text as you go! Pieces and bits here and there!

That's what I've been saying from the get go.

Fang, never let me get conned into reading these with you again. This is heartbreaking.