In The Heart of Fiction: A Hatter and a Snowflake Review/Spork [Pandora Hearts] III

A Hatter and a Snowflake

Hello! Bambi is back with chapter three of this nice little story!

I wouldn't go so far as to call it nice. It's pretty mediocre once you get past all the OOCness.

Hmm... it's not as long as I would like it to be... if anyone has any advice on how to write longer chapters I would greatly appreciate it!

That usually entails putting actual detail, pacing and plot-advancing exposition and events into the chapters. Blatant time skips tend to shorten chapters as well.

Also I would like to thank MirrorDede for reviewing^^

But ARGH! When i looked back over this chapter I had forgotten to write the ending! so I had to delete it, write it and put back up. sorry to those who read it and thought 'wow that end made little sense'...

And now, I present to you (a finished) chapter three!

How do you forget to write an ending to a chapter? Is that just like forgetting how to breath?

Sharon had always been kind, sweet and polite since the day Break had met her, when she was a little girl who would follow him around calling him 'Xerexes-Nii' and tried to make herself Snowdrop's "Big Sister." She still did the latter.

For those of you not familiar with Pandora Hearts don't fret too much. She does it to Alice, too.

But even since then, she was also known to be prone to violence, namely hitting Break in the face with a paper fan (or a real one when she could get her hands on one)

What do you mean by "a real fan"? A paper fan is a real fan and if you mean anything else Lady Sharon isn't so cruel that she would be hitting her servant with anything like one of those fans with the metal or wooden sides.

if he did something she didn't like or if she didn't get her way.

Like right now.

For the past ten minutes or so Sharon had been physically and verbally abusing her servant while he sat there, smiling a little, and Snowdrop hid behind a good-size pillow.

Oh, great, so this scene has started approximately two seconds after the last one. Granted, I've done this as well in my own fics but I set them up that way for emphasis on something that ended the last chapter, such as a revelation or something horrible being revealed. Just splitting scenes to make them each into chapters isn't a good tactic to get into the habit of all willy-nilly.

Peeking out from behind the pillow, Snowdrop saw Break's semi-smile and wondered if maybe he actually did enjoy Sharon's beatings. She felt a twinge of jealousy.

I really don't see what she'd have to be jealous about here. In this fic Break's not arguing with Sharon to call him "-kun" or "-san" after all and unlike Jun Mochizuki I don't believe the author is going to start ship teasing Sharon/Break any time soon.

Finally Sharon calmed down and stopped hitting the clown.

Calling him the clown is rather out of left field, like when the narrative adopted calling Snowdrop "the snowflake" in the first chapter. It wasn't until Alice came into the picture and began to call him a clown for his unorthodox and teasing mannerisms that the fandom heard him called as such. No one else has bothered to call him anything like a clown thus far in the fic and thus it's out of nowhere.

Snowdrop sighed in relief and set the dark blue pillow down.

Can we have something that's not blue, please? Everything that revolves around Snowdrop seems to be blue (or white) - I get it, you think she embodies snow and ice, you can stop that at any time now.

Break giggled, "Ojou-Sama, I think you scared Snow. You know she frightens easily.."

Sharon, who was now back her sweet and polite self, smiled apoligetically, "I'm sorry Snowdrop, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"I-it's okay Miss Sharon." Snowdrop replied as Break patted her on the head. She was slowly but surely becoming accustomed to Sharon's violent side.

I think we're approaching the mansion, Ojou-Sama." Break said with his signature smile plastered on his features.

ooOOOOooOoOoooOooo

You know, every time I see that scene break method I think back to this:

In the mansion, Sharon sat comfortably in an expensive looking chair while Break and Snowdrop stood close to wall, almost in the shadows.

"Uncle Oscar!" Snowdrop heard a boy's voice and then saw said boy come into the room.

"Break-Sama, is that Oz Vessai-" Snowdrop tried to ask until Break put a finger to her pale lips and shushed her.

Having a small description of Oz would be great. Since the author seems lazy I'll do it for you via picture. You all should recognize him from one of my reaction macros in an earlier chapter~.

Apparently they were supposed to be quiet. Snowdrop couldn't help but blush at Break's touch.

And now I'm beginning to see why Bambi Birthday chose to skip over several years entirely; for the benefit of the *~ROMANCE~*! Which deeply aggravates me. I prefer seeing my romances build up from scratch, damnit!

They both turned their attention back to the others in the room.

"Oz," Oscar said to the blonde boy,

Blond: term for males with the hair color | Blonde: term for females and female accessories with the hair color

Congratulations, author, you've just made Oz a chick!

"This is Duchess Rainsworth's granddaughter, Miss Sharon Rainsworth." Sharon stood and curtsied, "It's an honor to meet you." Oz was obviously head over heels, and for reason Snowdrop couldn't fathom it seemed to amplify when she said she was younger than him.

Okay, author, NOW you're telling us things. SHOW us. The anime and the manga did a wonderful job of showing us Oz getting all steamed up and head over heels for Lady Sharon. Since you're copying the scene anyways why not just transcribe his reactions and actions to Lady Sharon?

Snowdrop giggled a little. She turned to Break and whispered, "He seems to be quite fond of Miss Sharon."

"It seems he is." Break whispered back. And Oz seemed to be in total heaven despite not a single damn descriptor or action being shown to enforce this until...

"It is about time for me to leave." Sharon said. Oz's expression became crestfallen. Sharon continued, "It's truly regrettable, but forgive me for only exchanging greetings on a day like this." She took his hand, "On your fifteenth birthday, I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations. From now on, you'll be able to participate in social parties, so there

*a la channeling Break's doll, Emily* Someone didn't proof or get a beta~. Naughty, naughty~!

Oz Vessailus' surprise from Sharon's speech showed clearly on his face. He had not expected her to say something like that.

Sharon curtsied one more time and proceded to leave, "Come on Break, Snowdrop." On cue, Break stepped out of his hiding spot, Snowdrop following closely behind him. Oz stared at the white-haired strangers.

You know, typically, I really adore white-haired characters. Just something about the hair color. But here it's really aggravating me and I can't put my finger on why....

The man with red eyes smiled at him and gave a quick bow then left. The girl smiled and left as well. Oz immediately assumed the girl was the Snowdrop that Sharon had mentioned. Her long white hair, unnaturally pale skin and soft blue eyes reminded him greatly of snow. He also couldn't help but think she looked almost... inhuman.

So, we've just had everything grind to a halt to make Oz express his total awe and amazement at Snowdrop's appearance. Great. Except that she's not all that impressive. Intention of the Abyss is impressive because of her ethereal feel and her unstable nature - she swaps from serene to bawling her eyes out to serene once again. She is 'damaged' and it adds to her appearance. Snowdrop is just Intention of the Abyss' rip off in appearance, she has no stature and demeanor to add to what the author is trying to tell us. Not to forget that Oz is focusing only on appearance - so let's break that down, too.

Xerxes Break has white hair as well. He has a red eye as well. Red-eyed people in Pandora Hearts are children of misfortune which are feared and often times rejected because of being born with red eyes, meaning Break would have been something to be more in awe over. But Oz paid absolutely no mind to Break in this scene though he does in the manga, looking a little taken aback after Break nods at him and leaves.

"Uncle Oscar," Oz turned to face his uncle and little sister, "I wanna marry Sharon-Chan!" there might as well of anime hearts

No, no, no, no, NO. While Pandora Hearts is a manga and an anime adaptation that does NOT mean you can include everything that appears as humor in them into prose. The paper fan bit is something that can be translated over, it can still hold weight in writing. Anime heart-eyes and the massive sweatdrops rolling down the head are things that cannot be included. They don't hold weight when you can't see them.

in his eyes as he turned to little Ada and went on and on about Sharon, ignoring any prior thoughts of the snow-like girl.

If Snowdrop is a "snow-like" girl than that means her original appearance taken from the Intention of the Abyss makes the Intention look "snow-like", as well. And, really, I'd be more believing that Intention of the Abyss reminds someone of falling snow considering her serene nature and appearance.

ooOOOOooOoOoooOooo

"Oz Vessailius..."

The name is spelled V-E-S-S-A-L-I-U-S. There is only one 'I' involved.

Sharon said once the trio was back in their carriage, "From your point of view what did you think of him, Break?"

"Hmm, let's see," Break said as he pulled a sucker from his pocket, "Wouldn't you say he fits Ojou-Sama's obsession with young boys?" He laughed mischeiviously.

"What are you talking about?" Sharon yelled, her face turning bright red. After she calmed down a bit, she said, "If he becomes the Vessailius successor, it's fate that he will eventually come to our side. You would probably be better at getting deeply involved with him than I would."

"It definitely seems that way."

This whole time Snowdrop had been sitting quietly, lost in thought and with a frown on her face because she didn't belong in this scene at all and thus the author couldn't find a way to include her in it. She didn't come back to reality till Break placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Is something wrong, Snowdrop?" He almost had a look of concern on his face.

"I-it's just that, well, there was an ominous feel to the mansion. It was unsettling.."

Of course you felt it. Nevermind the fact that things were only unsettling for Oz and in bits and pieces. He was the one who heard the music box song Lacie when Gil and Ada didn't and he was the one who experienced getting transported to a strange room upon finding a pocketwatch. There Intention of the Abyss, disguised as Black!Alice ended up strangling him when he admitted he didn't know who she was only to wake up and believe it all a dream, not noticing the bruises on his neck.

If that place was unsettling for anyone it would have been so for Oz. Not for some chain.

"Yes, I know." Break said as he handed her a lollipop (perhaps to comfort her?) and ruffled her hair as he continued, "But you needn't worry. Everything will be okay, I promise."

Once again, Break would have most likely teased her whilst giving her the piece of candy and ruffling her hair (both of which are in character this time).

As everyone knows, nothing is ever really 'okay'. Life almost always gets in the way of that happening. Even a naive little Snowflake should know that.

That sounds like that emo bullshit of "You can never get hurt if you just never see the good in things that happen!"

But Snowdrop clung to Break's false promise, believing that if Break-Sama said it would be fine then it would, no questions asked. Even though she had no way of knowing that at that moment Oz was about to be thrown into the Abyss and would be there for ten years, she should have known that nothing is ever really 'okay'.

Enough with the bullshit, m'kay?

"Oh!" Break said, looking out the window.

"What is it?" Sharon asked.

"Just as I thought, it's starting to rain. It might even turn into a storm. What do you think, Snowdrop?" Break looked over at Snowdrop when he received no answer, only to see that the carriage ride had put her to sleep. He smiled as she rested against him.

Jesus Christ, how long have they been riding? Or is Snowdrop narcoleptic?

Yes, to Snowdrop, everything in her world was 'okay'. For now, Break's wrongly made promise held true.

Well, all of this is turning into bullshit fast. Thankfully there's only about five more chapters left of this.