In The Heart of Fiction: A Hatter and a Snowflake Review/Spork [Pandora Hearts] VII

A Hatter and a Snowflake

This chapter is exactly what it sounds like, it ensues a lot of reciting of actual poems. I am going to say it now, I omitted all of the actual poems found by a quick Google search. Due to this method the chapter - unsporked - is about three pages on my Word Doc. Before I had taken out the poetry that the Suethor blatantly copied without crediting the author's (even if they are all well passed deceased such as William Shakespeare or Edgar Allen Poe) this chapter unsporked had stretched on to about six or seven pages.

Omg Bambi Birthday is alive! yea sorry I haven't been on in, oh say, FOREVER!

Why'd you stop being MIA? I would much rather preferred that.

Well this isn't Ch. 7, it's a bonus chapter.

As I gathered when you wrote 'Bonus' in the chapter title. Really, we're not all as mind-numbingly stupid as Snowdrop is.

I'm gonna start doing these every few chapters to explain Break and Snow's past. Hope you enjoy! Now I give my thanks ^^

Reviews-

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Favorites-

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Alerts-

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Also, I wanna thank Tossino for beta reading!

Considering the number of times the squiggly red line of DOOM is appearing in my Word Doc where it concerns your chapter I'd say she's not a very good beta. As such I will beta this as I spork it. All my remarks as a beta reader will be done in blue.

"Hey, Snow?" Snowdrop turned to look at Break when he asked that.

That statement after the dialogue is clunky and rather amateurish. It would have been much more natural to say ""Hey, Snow?" Break asked watching as she turned to look at him." or some variation of it.

Apparently 'Snow' was his new pet name for her,

Oh, great. Now all I'm going to be thinking about is this when I see that name;

or at least one he was trying it out. So far, the only one that he had liked was 'Snowflake' or 'My my little Snowflake.'

That's so sickeningly cliché I don't know how to respond....

She looked at him curiously.

"Yes Break-Sama sama?"

"Do you like poetry?" His queston question took her by surprise.

And just like that we've come to the root of our 'bonus' chapter, folks.

"I... I remember reading books with my sister for fun," She she hung her head, "but I can't remember if I liked poetry."

That is some of the most retarded bullshit I have ever heard in my life. How do you not know if you like it or not? Even if you've lost your memories you would have some sort of basis of feeling on the matter.

"Really?" He walked over to a nearby bookshelf,

That is even clunkier than the first instance this happened. Considering you break immediately to go into a line of dialogue it would have been more natural to put something along the lines of "as he spoke Break wandered over to the nearest bookshelf,".

"Personally personally, I don't care much for reading books or novels, and you know my feelings about paperwork. But poetry is... different. It's special in the way that it makes you feel, there's nothing really like it." He pulled a few books off of the shelf. Snowdrop giggled, covering her mouth with her sleeve. He gave her a questioning look.

All three of those statements at the end are much too short. There's no varying sentence pattern to them and it makes it boring and choppy to look at and read. Adding detail to one or two of those sentences would have remedied this situation.

That was a little flowery and fey to be coming out of Break's mouth. He may act rather cooky and quirky but he's not flowery and poetic.

"Break-Sama sama, I think this may be the first time I have seen you with a book in your hand."

He chuckled, sitting against the bookshelf and motioning for her to join him. Once she was sitting comfortablyy comfortably beside him, he began to read,

[ omitted due to being an actual poem ]

I would highly suggest anyone go to the hyperlinked poem and check it out. Essentially what the author is doing here is wanking over her Sue-chain via a poem she felt fit.

"That was pretty." Snowdrop smiled in awe, like a small child discovering something that is, to them, amazing.

That "to them" part is unnecessary and would be better off scrapped entirely from that sentence.

Break turned to her, "Did you understand it?"

It means the author is using this to wank over her Sue-chain and find poems that fit accordingly so that she may show off.

She thought for a moment, then spoke, "I think it means that looks fade, true beauty comes from within and it is the only kind that really counts."

"Thats That's right." He read another poem,

[ omitted due to being an actual poem ]

Snowdrop laughed.

Once again, I would recommend clicking over to the poem and taking a quick gander at it. It's really not very funny and it makes the Sue-chain here look like she's just faking a laugh or is seriously just that airheaded that she somehow found legit humor in it.

Break joined in for a moment, before Snowdrop asked, "Can we read another one?" He gladly obliged.

[ omitted due to being an actual poem ]

The Snowflake frowned, "that one was kind of sad, Break-Sama sama."

"Yes, but it became happy in the end, ; when he thought of his love, he realised realized that material possesions possessions don't compare to what he has with her."

Snowdrop lightly blushed and smiled, "I think that's how it should always be. Material things can only last for so long."

Of course you would think and say that. The Suethor has to make you look good, after all.

"So you think love lasts forever?"

"Yes, it does, don't you think?" She eyed him curiously.

Of course you would because you are Purity Sue. It is atypical of your kind to believe in Twu Wuv Lasts Forever no matter how cliché it is. Would it kill you to come up with something original, Suethor?

Break laughed dismissively, "Well, I've never had people stay by me for long, and I've never been in love, so I don't know if I really believe in it. But, it would be nice if it was real."

This is another instance of a typical Mary-Sue cliché and an unrealistic one to boot in which the Sue and/or her love interest have never felt love or attraction for anyone else before they came into each other's lives.

"Oh, I understand..." Snow looked away, she felt sorry for her master.

The use of Snowdrop's nickname here is unprofessional. Because it is in the narrative than it should be her full name, Snowdrop, considering that is what you have been using since the beginning.

"But since we're on the topic of undying love, how about I read one of my most favorite poems?"

Snowdrop nodded her head and turned to look at the words as Break read them.

[ omitted due to being an actual poem ]

Snowdrop sat there wordlessly as a realization sank in. This was what she wanted for Break and her, to be together, bounded by a love so powerful that not even death could part them. She wanted to love only him, and he only her. He was already her life, she had promised that since she first met him, so, maybe, he could love her like that? 'Thats all I want,' she thought, 'I want Break and me to be happy forever.'

And just like that we've reached the whole purpose of this chapter. There was literally nothing else that constitutes the existence of this chapter. Frankly I find this sickening and quite literally out of fucking nowhere. Suethor, just because you've skipped over several years in the fic itself doesn't mean you can just suddenly throw this revelation out of nowhere.

"Snow? You still with me?" Break playfully poked her in the arm.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry." She smiled at Break. He stared for a second, ; there was a gleam in Snowdrop's eyes, not unlike the one she sometimes had when she looked at Break, but now stronger, brighter.

Yeah, funny you point that out now considering you've never brought this to light within the story thus far. You can't do that and expect serious readers to take you seriously.

She picked up a book, "May I read one out loud?"

"Of course." Snowdrop soon found a poem she liked and began to read,

[ omitted due to being an actual poem ]


Yay the first bonus chapter!

Snow: so much poetry...

Me: Isn't it great?

No. It's not. It was just you wanking over your own chapter and thinking that throwing out a handful of legitimate poems makes you look good.

Break: Yup! Now review and I shall visit you with promises of candy and plushies!