In The Heart of Fiction: A Hatter and a Snowflake Review/Spork [Pandora Hearts] IV

A Hatter and a Snowflake

Hello my lovely readers! Bambi has returned to you with chapter four of this story ^^ and Gilbert/Raven is here as well! and now I shall give out my thanks ^^

I'm sorry, what? What dose Gilbert have anything to do with your Author's Note?

Reviews-

Crazy Hyper Active Nyx, Angel ov Death, Kira Tsumi, seancroland

NightSkyForLife

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Angel ov Death, bunniechainsaws, Lilith Vaan

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Angel ov Death, Crazy Hyper Active Nyx, MirrorDede, NightSkyForLife, seancroland, YamiNoRei

Oh, God, I hate it when people do this. I don't know, it just feels like the author is parading around how large their fanbase for their fic is getting. It's sickening.

Gilbert/Raven: Bambi Birthday does not own Pandora hearts, for if she did there would be A LOT of BreakxGil...

Suethor, get out from behind the cardboard cutout of Gilbert. That is so obviously your choice in wording and not something he would say. Even in Author's Notes you have to think about how to keep them in-character.

Also, I never really got this "let's throw random people together and ship it!" thing. I don't know, maybe I just like my pairings to make sense! I don't even recall any ship tease for Break/Gilbert. I recall Oz/Echo, Oz/Alice, Oz/Sharon, Oz/Gilbert, Sharon/Break, Break/Lottie, Vincent/Gilbert creepfest tease, Vincent/Echo, and Vincent/Lottie but no Gilbert/Break ship tease.

"A bird's chirp. Sunshine flowing in. Mmm... Isn't this the best setting for having tea!" Break said
sitting at a table that was very out of place in such a delapidated place that looked as if it could cave in at any second. Snowdrop was sitting in a chair nest to her master, sipping tea from a fine china cup.

You know, it's absolutely amazing to me how Suethors can mangle a scene they rip straight out of the manga.

"That's quite enough, Break. Please finish your tea, it's imprudent." Sharon Rainsworth walked towards her servant.

"It's alright, isn't it Ojou-Sama? There is still time to connect to the path." Break responded. He looked over at their dark haired and darkly clothed companion, "Won't you at least come over here and have some candy, Young Master?"

Hmmm, considering how Break was subtly taunting Gilbert (i.e. Raven) there for being Oz's servant and calling him "young master" all the time in the manga it certainly doesn't feel like it here. In the manga the young master bit was in quotations while being in its own little speech bubble that was rather cloud-like to look more playful along with a heart in it to point to the fact that Break was playing around. Since we can't see that here you have to point it out in some fashion or else it's not noticeable.

"...I'm fine." He said.

Break crunched on the sucker in his mouth, "If you really that nervous, you'll mess up even the things you're able to do." Once his sucker was gone he spit the stick out of his mouth, "In addition to our task, we have to follow the Rainsworth House's judgement. Even if you are against the organization, please make sure that you keep this a secret and do it right."

You know, it's usually really bad form when a Suethor copies word for word from the source material without changing a thing because when they can't change things on their own or to suit their needs they have a tendency to just ignore their own insert or fan character for great passages in the chapter.

Rule of thumb is if you can't weave your fan character into canon in a nice, realistic way and don't have her partake in any scenes you took straight from the source material than she has no business being there.

The young man gave an annoyed sigh, "It's fine. I won't do something like messing up." He then sat straight up in surprise when he saw Snowdrop right in front him. He hadn't noticed that the chain had gotten out of her seat, much less moved right in front of him.

Neither had I given the fact that the Suethor couldn't be assed to describe that happening.

Snowdrop smiled at him and held her hands out toward him. They were filled with all sorts of confections in brightly colored wrappers, "Snowdrop thought that Gil-... err I mean Raven might like something sweet to help his nerves."

Raven look of surprise changed to gratitude as he took a candy wrapped in bright blue, "Thank you, Snowdrop."

Of course he would be grateful to SnowSue, she is the resident Purity Sue in the vicinity. Also, Gilbert is smoking in this scene, cigarettes and candy don't tend to mix very well.

She smiled even more, then went back to the table and stood next to Break.

"Well then," Sharon said, "Shall we start the preparations? By our hands, we'll save Oz Vessailius!" At her words Raven and Break stood up. However, only a few minutes later, Break heard CRACK sound. Aparrently he was the only one who heard it. "Break?" Sharon said to try to get his attention.

Break didn't reply but quickly grabbed Sharon and Snowdrop and pulled them close to him.

You know, the only reason he grabbed Sharon and pulled her close to him was to protect her and that's because it's his duty as her servant. He would rightfully just assume that everyone else would be able to protect themselves especially a chain!

Chains are demon-like monsters, which is why Alice is the only one to have human form as a chain because she's originally not one but a human soul bonded to a chain and using its powers. Everything else that gets sucked into the Abyss is granted life, it becomes rather monstrous at times. It's possible, yes, to have a docile chain - canon example being Vincent's Dormouse chain which quite often puts even Vincent to sleep. What I'm getting at here is all chains have a certain ability at their disposal. Why does Snowdrop not have one? Even if she isn't a fighter neither is the Dormouse but it has the ability to put others to sleep to protect itself.

Then a great, swirling gust of wind (A/N: it was the best I could come up with...)

Not surprising considering your work is rather mediocre. Also Author's Notes should be at the top or bottom of your chapter. Never in between. It's sloppy and rude when you break up your narrative just for a pointless note to the readers.

came from the center of the crumbling room, blowing them off their feet.

"This... This is a surprise!" Break as the wind died down, revealing the unconcious body of Oz Vessailius, "He managed to get out of the abyss with his own power."Sharon and Snowdrop shared a look of shock.

Raven held the blonde boy in his arms, "This is... impossible."

"Well," Break stood up and helped Sharon and Snowdrop up, "I guess we can call these results 'all right', can't we?"

What is it with Snowdrop sharing the same reactions with Sharon at this point? Could you really just not bother to think up anything original for your character to do, Bambi Birthday?

"That's true." Sharon went over to Raven and the sleeping Oz, "Finally, we have Pandora's key. From here on, there's no turning back. Even if he... is a fallen angel that will bring about destruction."

oOOOoOOooooOoOoOoo

'Alice... Is she alright?' Oz thought back to his last memory before he blacked out. Alice, B-Rabbit, was going to be eaten by that other chain. But he made the contract, and she had kissed him, so she was safe, right?

Funny how Bambi Birthday made no mention of how an illegal contractor like Oz here has to drink the blood of the chain they form a contract with and then say the chain's name. This really shows how dated this was as this piece of information hadn't been released until sometime after thirty or forty chapters had been published in the manga. Alice didn't just kiss Oz, she forced a kiss on him to trickle some blood into his mouth to complete the contract (and also for ship tease purposes).

He opened his eyes and saw a young man with messy black hair. 'Who... are you?...' He reached a hand toward him. This man looked a lot like... "Gi..l?.."

The raven-haired man turned and looked at him, Oz stared at his golden eyes. The man stood up and grabbed the long black coat Oz had been using as a blanket. "Break, he woke up." As he pulled his coat on he walked to the white-haired man.

"Ah, that's good." The white-haired one replied. He was sitting on a couch next to... Sharon? He looked at Oz, "Hey Oz-Kun, good morning."

Considering he very briefly saw Break at his coming-of-age ceremony Oz should be feeling a twinge of familiarity at seeing Break there, too. Of course, this would be the case if the Suethor in question hadn't ignored that in favor of Oz briefly slavering over Snowdrop's appearance before going right back to his canon reaction to seeing Sharon.

"Morning?.." Oz asked.

"This is one of the Rainsworth Family's mansions. We just happened to be at the place you appeared so we took you under our protection."

Oz wasn't sure whether he should believe him. This could still be the Abyss, this was probably an illusion.

"Are you still half asleep? Welcome home. this is your world."

Oz stared in disbelief. He was really back. But before he could say anything, the door to the room opened and Snowdrop walked through. "Break-Sama, I got Oz-kun some clothes just like you asked." Oz thought her voice sounded light and soft, like a little bell.

That is the second time you described her voice as bell-like! I demand that you stop that!

"Good work Snowdrop." Break smiled and gave Snowdrop a butterscotch.

Uhmm.... yeah... That's not typically a hard task that would require Break to congratulate her on work well done and give her a reward.... Suethor, you suck at trying to meld your character into canon.

Then he quickly spun around to face Oz again, "Oh my! That reminds me, we haven't introduced ourselves!" He gave a little bow, "My name is Xerxes Break. I serve the Rainsworth Dukedom. By the way the little one is Emily!" He pointed at the doll on his shoulder who in turn laughed. Oz stared at him like he was insane. Ignoring Oz, Break continued, "And this is my chain Snowdrop. Don't be offended if she doesn't talk to you at first, she can very shy. In fact she rarely talks to anyone she doesn't know well."

Which is bullshit considering she had no qualms with talking near non-stop to Break on their first real meeting in this fic. Also this is a rather lame and roundabout way to explain away why Snowdrop isn't present in many of these scenes. But even shy people react to things being said, to actions being performed - they're not just ignored entirely. This is lazy, lazy work.

Snowdrop waved sheepishly. Oz remembered her, the pale Snow-like girl. He noted that the white and ice blue dress she wore added to the effect.

Enough with the "snow-like" description already! And also snow shouldn't be capitalized in snow-like! It's not a proper noun! And no, your character is not embodiment of snow so stop describing her as such!

She walked to him and handed him the clothes. Oz quickly got dressed behind a room divider. Once fully dressed he stepped back into the main part of the room.

"That looks great on you!" Break said.

"Thanks..."

"It fits your childish image much more than that uniform. No competition indeed."

You know, the only reason I know who's talking here is because I've read the manga. Anyone else would be highly confused at this point.

Oz gave him an annoyed look.

Break held a chair out for Oz at the table Sharon and Snowdrop were already sitting at, "Well for now, please take a seat. At any rate, that coming-of-age party sure was a disaster. I heard the whole story from Gilbert-Kun."

"Gil? Then..."

"Everyone is safe." Raven spoke up, "Your uncle and little sister. That servant ,too."

"Right, right." Break sat on the table, "That's why we are concerned about what happened afterwards. Please, tell us about it."

Yes, do tell us about it just like you did in canon as Snowdrop doesn't make an appearance again for a long while and the Suethor doesn't bother to change anything here or there to make it more fresh to read.

Much to Oz's annoyance, Break speared Oz's cake and ate it in one bite. But he ignored it and began to tell them of the time he spent in the Abyss, about Alice, and about agreeing to the contract Alice told him about.

"So in other words," Break said once Oz finished his story, "you're saying that this B-Rabbit got you and her out of the Abyss by using her own powers?"

"Amazing! we were never needed! Damn!" Emily yelled.

"It seems that way Emily! By the way, where is this "miss rabbit" now?"

"About that... When I came to, she was nowhere to be found. She..." Oz pulled out the pocket watch, "She said that the sound of this watch called out to her, and she found me."

"Well, at any rate,what's important is that you're safe, Oz-Sama" Sharon said.

"Yes," Break agreed, "But now we must capture you."

Oz stared at them, "What?"

"Oz, do you know anything about the organization called Pandora?" Break asked.

"Just the name. If I remember right, it's an organization under the direct control of the country to preserve public order."

The only reason I'm commenting right here is to point out how there is nothing for me to comment on other than a lack of good detail to tell the readers what the environment looks like or what all the characters are really doing, thinking or feeling.

The dialogue and actions are copied blandly from the manga in their entirety and nothing has been changed.

"Well that's "officially" true, you know." Break now went for Snowdrop's slice of cake. She sighed, apparently used to Break doing this.

It was funnier in the manga when Break tried to snatch another of Oz's desserts and he pulled it out of Break's reach only for the man to stab his tea. *sigh* At least if I were rereading Volume One I could be entertained right now.

Break continued, "In fact, research into the Abyss, or more specifically resolving incidents related to that, are also one of their tasks. As you know, the Abyss is not like the prison spoken of in legends. There are also times when the path produces something on occasion, and chains come come out from there. They look for a contractor to stabilize their unstable existence. At that point, the people who join in, inviting trouble, are called illegal contractors. "

"Illegal?" Oz asked, moving his new slice of cake out of Break's reach.

Suethor describe! You have to point out how Break was reaching for the cake in the first place! And the look of disappointment on his face when he didn't get it! As it stands this story is dry and bland! It has no flavor behind it! And dear God, I sound like Cilan right now.

"Yes. It's prohibited for normal people to get involved with the Abyss, and make contracts with chains, since it's very dangerous, of course." Break swished his fork around in Oz's tea, as if to clean it.

No, he stabbed and swished his fork around in Oz's tea in retaliation for the boy pulling his dessert out of Break's reach. Way to suck out the humor in a canon scene.

"In other words, no matter what reason, we can't just let you walk away," Break pulled out a necklace with a weird pendant on it, "That's because the four of us are members of Pandora." He smiled.

Yay! semi-cliff hanger ^^

No, a cliffhanger is only a cliffhanger when the reading audience has no idea what's going to happen next. Since you already ripped off an entire two scenes from the manga I can tell you that Oz will be captured, B-Rabbit Alice will make an appearance, a memory will be found and all will be fine and dandy.

Oz: so I'm being captured?

Me: Yes, for once you are out of the way, we can have BreakxGil!

Ah, you're one of those fangirls. Something tells me you harbor secret bitter feelings of the Oz/Gilbert ship teasing because there's no real Break/Gilbert ship teases in the manga.

Break: Yay ^^

Gil: No Break, that's not a yay...

Agreed. Gil, you are my rock.

Break: Aw...

Remember, if you review you get candy from Break ^^

I only want candy from Break if it's in an M to MA rated nature. And if I say more Oki may come and beat me up with a paper fan so I will end it here! *dons a too-large top hat and runs out the room looking far too mischievous for her own good*