In The Heart of Fiction: A Hatter and a Snowflake Review/Spork [Pandora Hearts] V

A Hatter and a Snowflake
Hello mi amigos! Chapter 5 is here (yay a quicker update)! I shall give thanks where it is due ^^

While people tend to like quick updates the ones who update swifter than others tend to have poor quality content within their chapters.

Reviews-

Kira Tsumi

Favs-

Kira Tsumi

Wow... over 600 views... YAYAYAYAY! I am so Happy!

You know, it's times like this that I wonder how people with lacking talent can get so popular with hundreds to thousands of views per chapter and I can only get a measly hundred views at most. Maybe I need to go make a crossroads deal for some fame.... Then again the trip to hell after ten years doesn't sound all that appealing.

Thank you dear readers, for this story can't go on without all of you! And, as you may have noticed, I mainly follow the manga version of Pandora Hearts, and sometimes the anime

Considering the anime offshoots to its own ending that doesn't even attempt to solve the entire plotline Jun Mochizuki begins to construct and add onto after the anime ended that's a recipe for disaster.

^^ Now... OZ! DO THE DISCLAIMER!

Oz: Bambi Birthday does not own Pandora Hearts or it's characters. They are owned by Jun Mochizuki. However, she does own Snowdrop ^^

"In other words, no matter what reason, we can't just let you walk away," Break pulled out a necklace with a weird pendant on it, "That's because the four of us are members of Pandora." He smiled.

Am I supposed to know why that's all in italics? *takes a moment to doublecheck with the last chapter* Oh, it's a recap? It'd be nice if we had had some distinguishing note to tell us beforehand that the author is suddenly going to be doing recaps in this fashion.

Snowdrop's stare drifted from Break to Oz. Break had said earlier this was all to lure out Oz's chain, but she thought it seemed a little rediculous.

"Please, wait a moment, Break!" Sharon said as she stood up, "Oz only did it in order to escape. Besides, our goal is his..."

Oz didn't hear the rest of what Sharon said, his ear were ringing. What is this? Then he lost control of his body, like he had become someone else's marionette.

Okay, seriously, make friends with detail, Suethor. Detail is your friend! It helps to properly space things out and make it seem thought out and not.... this mess you call a fic.

Alice? Possesing Oz, Alice B-Rabbit quietly picked up the knife nearby on the table, and grabbed Sharon.

"Sharon!" Raven said in surprise.

"Let's not make any moves." Alice said through Oz.

Break's ruse had worked. He walked up to them,

Seriously, do Suethors just have a clause in their writing contract that forces them to either ignore sufficient detail or to abuse it? Because it's never middle ground with Suethors and detail, it's always one extreme or the other.

"I thought if your container was in danger you would come out for me. It's an honor to meet you, B-Rabbit." Snowdrop was now hiding behind Break, watching the situation from her hiding spot.

Your chain is acting less like a pacifist, gentle chain and more like a tiny child. This gives some very Unfortunate Implications to Break if you catch my drift.

Break continued moving towards the possesed Oz, "Pandora has also been burned by that terrible hand of yours. I just wanted to try talking with you this once. Are you planning on commiting something here, now that you have the contractor you desire? I'm dying to know."

"I don't need to talk to you, now go away!"

"That's impossible. We can't just release a dangerous chain like you." He said it so nonchalontly.

"So whatever happens to this girl is okay?" Alice yelled.

"Break, please don't worry about me." Sharon said.

It's always rather sickening to me to find a fanfic that gains popularity in any fashion and it's solely the Suethor taking events from the chapter and doing nothing to change them up or making them interesting when they add their fan character into the mix. It's the laziest form of fanfiction writing one can resort to.

He laughed a little, "That's just like you," using his cane he knocked the knife out of Oz's hand, "But I can't do a thing like that..." He hit his cane against the ground.

A glowing seal formed on the ground around Alice and Sharon. Alice fell to the ground losing her grip on Sharon. It felt like a ton of weight had been put on her. Sharon ran to Break and Snowdrop.

No, Suethor, randomly mentioning Snowdrop-Sue during a canon scene after ignoring her for several paragraphs does not mean you are melding her into canon. It just means you lack creativity in how to incorporate her into the scene and make it flow as it did in the source material.

"Well, being prepared means no worries, right? The restriction spell I put up earlier sure was worth it." Break jabbed Oz with the end of his cane, pushing Alice out of his body.

It takes a certain lack of talent to be able to transcribe a tense, dramatic scene and make it so bland and dry.

"Alice?" Oz said, once more in control of his body.

Break looked at the chain, "How nice! It's a cute-looking young lady." Alice stared daggers at him. "There is a written record of your giant rabbit form, but this form is an energy-saving one, right? But even if you wanted the other to come out, it wouldn't." He turned to Oz, "The Black Rabbit's power is a bit too powerful to be stored in your body. That power began consuming your body when you came out of the Abyss, if we had left it alone, it would have led to your death in a flash. That's why I had Raven seal the flow of power for me."

Suethor, if I wanted to read Pandora Hearts as it was published I'd break out my copy of the volumes, not read your fanfic. Do something original or interesting to shake things up.

Snowdrop stared at Alice from behind Break. So this was the infamous B-Rabbit. She could feel a dark aura around her..

"Oz," Break said, "You know, the girl you contracted with is different from other chains. It's confirmed she has a personality, as long as she takes the form of a human." Kinda like Snowdrop.

Oh, don't you go comparing Alice to Snowdrop-Sue! Alice has a reason she's the way she is! It's a complex reason that started back with the Tragedy of Sablier and the reason is heartfelt and rather inspiring! You just thought it'd be cool to rip off Alice's situation for your own Sue-chain with no explanation as to why Snowdrop-Sue is the way she is or how she came to be that way. So no. Alice is not "kinda like Snowdrop."

Alice glared at him, "You'd probably be delighted if I was handed over to a researcher. Do you think I'll listen to a word you say?"

Break hit her with his cane, "You're no match for me in this form. Now let's talk about your goal."

"Alice!" Oz tried to get up but his body wouldn't move.

"I... I came to this world to find my scattered memories!" Alice said. Everyone looked at her with the same look of surprise. She explained, "I've known it since the time I awoke in the Abyss, my name is Alice. Other than that I didn't understand anything because I don't have memories from here..." She grabbed the knife again, "That's why I released myself from the Abyss, to take back my memories!" She went after Break.

He knocked her away with ease and moved to hit her again. But his blow didn't connect with it's intended target. Oz got in the way. "If you hurt Alice anymore, I won't cooperate with you."

"What do you mean?" Break asked.

"That doll said it, 'We were never needed.' Sharon was also in the middle of saying that your objective deals with me. I wonder why you brought me to this mansion for protection and not Pandora's Headquarters. Is it because things would get bad if they found out about my existence? You guys didn't protect me by accident, you were planning on taking me out of the Abyss from the very beginning. But the one who saved me is Alice. If you plan on injuring the person I owe my life, then that makes you my enemy!"

"Hmm... Enemy, huh? Well that makes things a little too tough." Break said and turned to Emily, "Seriously, you messed around too much and made Oz mad, didn't you, Emily?"

"Stop putting the blame on others, Break!" Sharon said, more than annoyed.

This is disgusting. I've skimmed through all of that and would you all like to know why? Because this is a lazy copying word for word of an online translation of the manga. I already know what's going on, what's happening and have no reason to read in-depth into it because Bambi Birthday hasn't done anything at all to make it original.

Break hit his cane against the ground and the spell disappeared, "Ha ha, I just played a little too much, so I'll make some tea as an apology." In other words, Snowdrop was going to make tea, "And we shall talk about our true goal." He walked over to Raven, "I thought if I terrorized them a little bit, it would keep the conversation to our advantage, but it seems he isn't as much of a brat as he looks. He's just as your report said."

Raven looked emotionless, as usual, until he sensed something, "Break!" He turned and looked. Oz's watch was glowing, opening a path between their world and the Abyss. "A chain is coming out!" A large patchwork-looking chain came from the path.

"It's fine, release the Black Rabbit's power." Break said. He kept Sharon and Snowdrop behind him, out of harms way.

Constantly shoving your Sue-chain behind Break doesn't make anyone like her more or insert her properly into the scene, Bambi Birthday. It only makes it obvious that you, yet again, have no idea how to weave her into the story and partake in what happens canonically.

"What?" Raven looked at Break.

"I want to see with my own eyes just how powerful it is." Break replied.

Alice smirked, "Are you testing me. That's fine, you clown."

"Fine!" Raven pulled off his glove and placed his hand Oz's head.

The seal on Oz's chest appeared before him and Alice's powers were released. Her for became that of a large black rabbit weilding a crimson scythe. She attacked the other chain and laughed. it was destroyed in no time at all. Once it was gone, she reverted back to her human form.

For something that's kind of a big deal, i.e. Alice using her B-Rabbit powers for the first time after contracting with Oz, it's really glossed over here.

"Whoa, this could be quite a potent force in battle." Break said gleefully. Snowdrop stared in amazement. The stories about B-Rabbit's powers had been correct.

Oz and Alice grabbed for the pocketwatch at the same time. It glowed once more and everything went white for a few seconds. Then they were surrounded by images, memories. They were just like Oz's dream. Then Oz was by himself.

"You've come at last." an unfamiliar voice said, "I've been waiting here all along. You must collect the pieces of Alice's memories." the voice came from a man behind a veiled doorway.

"Who are.." Oz tried to say but the man cut him off.

"Her life has been kindled by the memories recovered because she came here. You got it? You should find them before anyone else does. In there is the answer which you seek."

"The answer I seek?" Oz asked before everything went black. He woke up to something wet hitting his cheek. He saw Alice next to him and sat up, "Alice?" He was surprised when he saw she was crying.

"I don't understand Oz," She said, "My chest is burning, the tears won't stop. My memories have been calling from the pocket watch this whole time, and I've finally got one back."

"Break," Sharon said, "what we just saw was..."

"Yeah. Perhaps this girl is also one of the keys we seek."

Bambi Birthday, would it kill you to detail environments around these characters? World-building is a very important part of story-telling/writing, even in fanfiction. If you don't put any effort into it it just makes readers envision the characters floating in nothingness.

OoOoOOooooooOOOO

A few minutes later Alice was back to her usual self, sitting on a couch with an attitude like she owned the place, "So what are you guys planning on doing with us? I'm no match for you guys the way I am now, I guess that means our live are in your hands." She looked at Snowdrop, "And you, the clown said you were a chain too, right?"

Snowdrop nodded her head keeping her distance from the scary girl.

"Well you sure don't act like one. You keep hiding behind the clown, like a scared little girl. You don't seem that powerful either."

"Snowdrop doesn't have any powers..." Snowdrop looked down, embarrassed.

All chains have a power even if it's a noncombatant power like Dormouse's ability to put people to sleep.

"Tch, pathetic snowflake..." Alice said.

"Okay now, before you scare Snow anymore, I have an offer."

That little Sue-chain is not worthy to be called Snow! ... ... .. And just like that I want to swap my usual nickname out with 'Snow' to make a point....

He pulled out the Pandora necklace again, "I would like for you two to work for Pandora as my Subordinates." Oz and Alice stared at him in shock, "Our mission is to chase after the Baskervilles."

"Baskerville?" Oz asked.

"They are the ones who dropped you into the Abyss, Oz-Kun. I'm certain you want to know what the deal is concerning Baskervilles. If they happen to appear again, you'll be safe with us, besides, If you returned home, I wouldn't put it past them to involve your family again. And Alice, this is just my intuition, but didn't your memories cause the path to the Abyss to be opened? When we connect to the path again, if your memories reappear, then wouldn't our information be useful to you? Assuming I have an interest in your memories of course."

"Why are you chasing after the Baskervilles?" Alice asked.

" We want the same thing as them, that's all we can say for now." Sharon said.

"This is wonderful! We're using each other.. ah no, we're in a mutually beneficial relationship!" Break grinned.

By that time the sun had risen. Oz and Alice jumped from the couch and ran out onto the balcony. They had obviously missed sunlight.

No, they didn't jump up from the couch because they knew the sun was rising. Canonically they were both stunned by the sight and then jumped up to get closer to the sight because there as no sun in the Abyss. When you take a scene like this and copy it for a fanfiction you have to be able to catch the awe, the inspiration behind the scene. You can't just give us what the characters do, you have to set up the emotional weight behind the scene! You have to make us feel for these characters!

"Well, I think it's settled." Break said as he watched Oz and Alice from the couch. He got up, "I think I'll go get some sweets now." He walked out the door, Snowdrop followed.

Your chain is not a puppy, have her actually do something, fuck damnit!

Once in the hallways, Break smiled at her, "I think it went well."

"If that's what Break-Sama thinks, then I agree." They then walked in silence through several hallways, one of which had a mirror. Snowdrop saw her reflection out of the corner of her eye, and stopped in her tracks when she saw it wasn't what it should be. She had seen herself in a bloody blue ball gown and her hair had been partially pulled back. But what was truly unsettling was that her skin had been so pale, almost as if she were dead. She slowly turned around and faced the mirror. Her reflection was the same as ever, white dress, light blue ribbons on either side of her head, and fair skin that was very much alive.

I'm so very tired of consistently hearing about what the Sue-chain looks like.

She touched her fingers to her face. Had it been her imagination? It had seemed so real...

"Snowdrop? You coming?" Break asked when he noticed she was no longer following.

"Huh? Oh, sorry Break-Sama, Snowdrop was just lost in thought." She ran to Break's side.

"Okay then. Come on, Snow."

Snowdrop nodded. She decided to forget the the reflection, and told herself it was just her mind playing tricks on her.
Ooh... creepy mirror reflection... I do believe we've reached our first plot twist... I think.

If that's what you think than you truly have no idea what a plot twist is an how to incorporate one.

Snowdrop: Yay?

Me: omg! Gil!

Gil: What?

Me: my avatar is a chibi Snowdrop! yay!

Gil: *facepalm* stupid writer...

All the love to Gil for being self-aware that he is stuck with a Suethor.

Anywho, review and Break shall give candy or a plushie of your choice. One final note, i am in search of a beta reader, if you are interested PLEASE let me know ^^

Oh, now you're searching? Ten bucks says you don't even bother to try and proofread your own work either.