Illegal Operations: Russian Territories, Resident Evil Spork/Review [4]

Resident Evil: Russian Territories {Leon S. Kennedy}-5 Enemies

Chris and Karla obviously don't get along too well...what will happen when they must work together on an upcoming mission?

Not getting along? But they got along just fine last chapter. ... ... Oh, son of a bitch it's one of those stupid "We'll fight like cats and dogs but fall for each other anyways" clichés, isn't it?!

Wednesday-9:23 a.m.

You stirred the spoon in the coffee waiting patiently for the tardy Redfield.

And this woman is twenty-six? She acts like a ten-year-old.

You had called him last night after you let him cool off from the fiasco earlier that day.

Why would you start calling him that? He actively comforted you during your pity-party and was a generally rational, caring man. Why are you such a hostile bitch?

He agreed to meet you at the Crescent café at exactly 9:00 am…it was now going on 9:24.

Since when does Chris ever strike anyone as the type to be late to any meeting, friendly or no? Oh, it's just for the sake of the shitty cliché? Gotcha. Excuse me a moment, I must distract myself from that stupidity. *stabs self in ear with pen*

You then spotted the tall, muscular, and five o’clock shadow Chris Redfield stepping in and ordering a cup of Joe before scanning the small place and finally spotting you near the window, with a clearly irritated expression.

Let me get this straight... Chris walks in, orders a cup of coffee and then searches for Karla and finds her near the window? Why wouldn't he see her walking in then? They're in the city typically they have the windows out front or - if the place is on the corner of a four way or something - on two sides. He should have logically seen her walking in if she was that close to the door to begin with.

He calmly walked over to you as he sat down across from you with an innocent smile. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt that matched nicely with his dark blue jeans and brown construction like shoes. You had to admit that he looked handsome.

A few moments of silence…

“You’re late Redfield.”

“I know, I’m sorry…I got caught up talking with Barry.”

“Oh how lovely.” You said dryly, “Did you talk about nonsense?”

Nonsense? With Barry mother fucking Burton? Bitch, please! They talked about Jill sandwhiches, of course!

His smile dropped and he pointed an accusing finger at you, “Look you,” he paused after the waitress set his coffee and bagel down before walking away. “Don’t get smart with me, I apologized for being late. So get off my back.” He growled.

While Chris being so hostile right off the back is a bit OOC anything that's hostile to the resident Sue is a-okay in my book! This earns the Fang Seal of Approval - even if I do happen to know where this will inevitably end up.

You smiled innocently this time before entwining your fingers and letting your chin rest upon them, “I don’t like to wait; I’m a very impatient woman Mr. Redfield. Ask Kaplan.”

Actually you're just a hostile bitch for the sake of it. Impatience is no reason to take your anger out on someone else and this is coming from someone who's raged and bitched at damn near everything up to this point in this stupid series.

He took a sip as his green BROWN THEY'RE FUCKING BROWN eyes never left yours’ he narrowed them before setting his cup back down, “I don’t need to ask Ms. Smith, I can see it for myself.”

You rolled your eyes before sipping your coffee.

“Look, I don’t want to argue with you

Which is why you're exact response to his apology for being late was to be a giant bitch-face. Brilliant.

let’s just…plan this funeral.” When it came to death it was an uneasy subject for Chris.

Uhm.... why? Seriously, why would it be an uneasy subject? I've mentioned it before but canonically he was a part of the Air Force as a pilot, a police officer and now he's fighting viral terrorism, while he wouldn't be completely devoid of feelings for the deaths of those around him I don't see how it would make him uneasy rather he would have grown accustomed to it by this time.

“Yeah, umm…have you told my-”

“He knows…and so does your mother.”

Who in the mother of God is talking? Due to the lack of proper dialogue tags I've lost all sense of who's saying what again.

You could imagine Bethany right now crying her poor heart out, she loved her baby boy dearly.

“Raccoon City is out.” Chris cringed at the name of the fallen city.

Why would Chris cringe at the name of Raccoon City? Yeah, it was a tragedy but so was 9/11 and people don't randomly cringe when that's made mention of.

“But here wouldn’t be that bad…even though he lived in New York.”

Yes, let's lay your brother's body to rest in the nuclear zombie ashes of Raccoon City. Brilliant.

“He was part of BETA right?” Chris asked taking a bite out of his bagel.

Wouldn't he have already known that? He says they were friends in the flashback of Zachary's death, that's typically something a friend would know.

“Yes…” you trailed off while resting your chin upon your palm; he sensed something was bothering you.

Can I ask how he would sense that? Typically when one places their chin in their hand it's out of boredom. This is where descriptions of facial expressions would have done wonders for the narrative rather than just having the random, six word long POV shift to TELL the audience what's going on. I still demand some SHOW to balance out all the TELL.

“Something’s bothering you.” He stated. What were you? An open book for all?

Only because you're fishing for a pity party.

“Yes…Leon won’t be here for the funeral.”

I'm counting it. I don't care if it wasn't directly said I'm adding a point to the counter.
10

Chris nodded while briefly glancing out of the window and watching the people pass by, he turned back to see you biting down on your bottom lip.

“That’s a nasty habit.” He muttered which caused you to look at him.

This is a repeat of when Leon snatched the cigarette away from Karla-Sue back in Project K's beginning chapters. Speaking of that we never once see Karla smoking again which means it was just to garner attention from Leon to the Sue in question.

“I do it when I’m nervous or thinking. Don’t make me give you the Smith stare.” You threatened as he put his hands up in defense.

“Do spare me.” Chris remembered when Zachary gave him a demonstration of the famous stare.

“Then stop commenting on my habits.” You hissed as he smirked.

“It bugs you doesn’t it?”

“I hate when people comment on my habits.” You nearly shouted at the man.

Weren't they planning out a funeral? What happened to that? I swear to god this fanfic has a bad case of ADHD.

“Calm down Cybil*.”

“Hey! I don’t have multiple personalities disorder!” by now people turned to watch your ongoing conflict with the ex-S.T.A.R.S. leader.


“Really?” he pressed with a smug look on his face that you just wanted to slap off.

“Look you ass you said you were going to stop.”

Hey, don't blame Chris, you're the one being a hostile bitch to everything he says and does. Speaking of WHY AREN'T YOU PLANNING OUT THE FUNERAL?! Oh, that's right, this is that stupid obligatory scene to show how much they irritate each other and for it to be "funny" for the reader only to have these two develop FEEELINS for each other later. The only thing is this is piss-pour writing at best, it has no substance behind it and it's all Karla and Chris being hostile to each other for no reason. There's literally no reason for either of these two to be getting bitchy at each other like this. We've been told they've just lost someone they both cared for, as a brother and a friend respectively, since they're planning out his funeral they should be lamenting over the loss of that person and not getting at each other's throats. This is another instance of realism being completely forsaken for the sake of the writer to get her jollies off.

“I don’t remember saying that, what I said was that I didn’t want to argue with you.”

You glared at him before a distraction came; Chris stifled a laugh at the ring tone.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want, so tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really. Really really wanna zigazig ha.

Chris? Laughing at a ringtone? Of a SONG? A song that's not even FUNNY IN NATURE?

You blushed a deep scarlet before taking the call and turning your head away from the chuckling man.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“Did you meet Chris already?”

“I’m with him right now…and he’s pissing me the hell off.” You heard a covered laugh before hearing Rebecca sigh on the other line.

“Is he antagonizing you?”

Why would Rebecca jump to that conclusion at all? Rebecca knows Chris from their days as S.T.A.R.S. Bravo and Alpha team members, she even helps him along in the Arklay Mansion and he showed no antagonism to her at all during those scenes. Likewise Chris isn't an antagonizing kind of guy. I really don't know how people can so easily and so BADLY mangle such a simple character as Chris, he's a good-natured, devoted guy with a partner and hero complex.

“Close to it. I’ll call you back.”

“Okay.” You ended the call and looked back to see him smiling.

“Wanna hear yours?”

He raised an eyebrow in questioning, “I never recall giving you my cell number.”

“I got it from Kaplan.”

That's... not creepy at all....

You then started to press some buttons before the song came on for him to hear.

A-well-a, everybody's heard about the bird
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word.


Chris frowned and narrowed his eyes at you as the song ended he hated that song, he probably hated it more than Wesker…no he hated Wesker more. So he decided to move on to better issues, “So here it is?”

WHY AREN'T THEY PLANNING OUT THE FUNERAL ALREADY?! WHEN DID THAT STOP BEING A THING?

You nodded sincerely as you sipped the last of your coffee.

God damn, the moods these characters jump through makes them fucking bipolar. We just cannot seem to stick with a single mood setting for more than a couple of paragraphs.... .... at most!

“There will be someone flying in from Africa…our comrade; Sheva Alomar.”

Sheva Alomar? She was their partner and perhaps she was flying in because she had deep feelings for Zachary.

If I have to sit here and explain just how badly the above statement fails and why that's the case people will die.

“That’s just fine…I don’t mind.”

“Kirk’s funeral…”

This is a miracle. They're actually expressing interest in the death of someone else other than Zachary-Stu.

he began as you unintentionally broke off the handle of the coffee cup.

What even is the point of that?

He noticed but he didn’t press you about it. “Same as Zachary’s?”

“On the same day, yes, his funeral will be held next Friday along with Zachary’s.”

Chris nodded and in comfort he placed a warm hand over yours’ you smiled gently at him. He had probably teased you earlier to lighten things up and for that you found that it was a nice gesture.


“Thank you Chris…even if you believe that you let him die I want you to know that I don’t blame you at all.”

He grasped your hand tightly, “You’re too kind…even though he mentioned that you were annoying.”

You rolled your eyes. “Even in death he still has jokes.”

More like "Even in death he is obligated to mention me and my greatness!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funeral Day-10:04 a.m.

The days and time frames that Gabby15cancer doesn't feel like writing out must just be thrown into the black of abyss. Why write out days up to the funeral to show how everyone is dealing with the deaths of Kirk and Zachary when you can just skip over all that "nonsense?"

“Karla?”

“I’m coming Becky.” You called as you were applying black eyeliner. Truth be told you didn’t want to go; it would be too hard without Leon there.

IT IS YOUR BROTHER'S FUNERAL! YOU SHOULDN'T BE WHINING ABOUT LEON NOT BEING THERE BECAUSE IT WILL BE TOO HARD! YOU SHOULD BE LEGITIMATELY WORRIED THAT LEON ISN'T THERE BECAUSE SOMETHING COULD HAVE GONE WRONG WHICH WE KNOW WILL HAPPEN!

You bit down on your lip; he hadn’t made contact with BETA since Monday of this week.

11

You sighed and fixed your black suit jacket as well as your black skirt. Rebecca was waiting downstairs since she was giving you a ride to Neah Bay Cemetery; the others would meet you there including Oscar and Bethany who arrived from New York* earlier that week.

Going down the stairs you both leave for the cemetery.

Because I'm a massive dick let's have some mood-setting music for the funeral procession.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His black coffin lay on the rack ready to be buried…you knew very well that his body was not in there.

Why would'nt it be in there? His body was able to be brought home, it was not missing, it was not burned to ashes, nothing.

Beside his grave, the fallen pilot named Kirk Morison’s white casket was ready to be buried as well.

Bethany and Oscar sat on the white folded chairs; on her lap was a bouquet of white roses. Oscar had a blank expression as Bethany’s expression was full of sadness and sorrow.

I'm so tired of the half-assed descriptions. It's entirely possible to describe someone's facial expressions without using the emotions they're feeling as descriptors, in fact a good writer will be able to do that well.

Half of BETA as well as BSAA and mostly Delta Company since he was part of that company as well as you. You were standing beside Bethany holding her hand as Chris stood beside Claire as she was on your right while Jill was beside him, and beside her was Sheva.

Why do I need to know where all these people are in relation to one another? Is it really just that important that I know or else the planet will blow sky high or something?

The priest was saying the ‘Hail Mary’

Apparently his recital of this isn't important to set the mood and really drive it home or anything. Fuck, I'm surprised she hasn't described the day as being rainy again to set the mood.

as images of you and your brother flashed across your mind.

There was one memory of you and him as young children playing in the front yard of the family home.

Another was recently before he left to Africa; the memory was a picture of you two smiling at the camera while holding up your drinks.

On his gravestone read:

Zachary LeJohn Smith

B. March 10, 1977-D. May 9, 2007

Beloved brother, son, and friend. Clone-Stu of Leon, half-assed love interest to Sheva, Completely useless fucking side character

First Sergeant of the U.S. Army, BETA member, BSAA.

A tear fell down and you didn’t bother to clean it away…it was for Zachary.


After the burial Bethany was speaking with the priest as Oscar pulled you aside for a talk.

Damn, that was fast! I guess now that Karla-Sue's gotten her time in the limelight as suffering over his death the rest of the procession serves no purpose.

“I know this is inappropriate for a time like this, but President Graham would like to know if Leon had completed his mission yet.”

Just how long as Ashley's father been in office? Two terms is the max for any President and the terms are four years long. Two years have passed since Ashley's kidnapping. What, was he only about mid-way through his term or just started it? Or was that just his first term and we're in the second of his term - assuming he was re-elected? And yes, this is a very real concern for me. Shut up.

You shook your head, “The last time he made contact with us was on Monday…we haven’t heard from him since then.”

12

Oscar gave you an incredulous look as he looks back at Sheva, Claire, and Chris and Jill talking, he then turns back to you. “Why haven’t you made a big deal about this? Karla, if Leon hasn’t made contact-”

13

“Oscar, I’m sure he’s fine…he’s probably busy.”

14
What? You want me to tell you WHY this is ridiculous now, too? Fuck you, I think the counter showing up near-constantly at this point is proof enough how bullshit this is.

“Karla, the President said that if anything happened to him. If he hadn’t made contact within the last 24 hours, you must go after him.”

15
If the President had said that THAN WHY ARE WE JUST LEARNING OF THIS NOW? This would have been followed up immediately after twenty-four hours had come and gone not a WEEK LATER ONLY TO HAVE IT JUST NOW MENTIONED. God, these people are incompetent beyond belief!

You knew he was right, and you were worried about him yourself.

16

You nodded, “By the orders of the chief pig himself.” You muttered as Oscar ignored you.

“You have two days to prepare for this mission…and I know you love him enough to want to find him.”

I see nothing's been done to correct the obvious conflict of interests going on here.

Was all he said before kissing your forehead. “I love you Karla.”

“I love you too, dad.”

Oscar smiled and walked back towards Bethany as you held your face in your hands; Chris noticed and walked over to you with the three women following close behind.

“Are you okay?” he asked sincerely as you drop your hands and look at him with a small smile as a façade.

“He wants me to go to Russia in two days to find Leon.”

“I’m going with you.” He said flatly as you and the women look at him in shock.

Since when did this become a volunteer mission? And whatever happened to receiving orders and the whole sending out of the men best fit for the job? Because quite frankly I'd rather read about Rebecca Chambers and Barry mother fucking Burton tag teaming through Russia to rescue Leon than Karla-Sue and OOC-Chris.

“Chris you don’t have to-”

He held up a hand for you to stop, “I made a promise to your brother, it was his dying request…Karla, he asked me if I would protect you…from Wesker or from any danger that threatens your well-being…and I accepted I swore I would protect you; like how I protect my sister, Jill, and my other comrades.”


Jill smiled tentatively, while Claire laid a hand on his arm in support of his decision, and Sheva nodded agreeing with him. You laid a hand on her shoulder as the young woman looked at you.


“I know you had strong feelings for my brother…and if he was still here, I would’ve gladly accepted you into our family.” What you had said was very over-powering she let the tears fall as she embraced you in a hug, you gladly held her as she cried silently.

HOW WOULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?! YOU WEREN'T THERE! YOU DIDN'T SEE HOW THEY ACTED WITH ONE ANOTHER, HOW THEY LOOKED EACH OTHER, NOTHING! YOU JUST JUMPED TO THE CONCLUSIONS YOUR WRITER WANTED YOU TO AND THIS IS BULLSHIT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! YOU CAN'T JUST ASSUME THAT BECAUSE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER IS FLYING OUT FOR SOMEONE'S FUNERAL THAT THEY INSTANTLY HAD DEEP FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER! LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PLATONIC FEELINGS? SIBLING-LIKE LOVE?

And this brings up something I actually hadn't touched on before - this instant love at first sight crap. We had to run with it with Leon and Karla only on a less subdued level in Project K, if you can believe it. It's just an easy way for writers to get to what they want without having to write the build-up to the romance and love they want to focus on. It's a piss-pour way of writing these things out. Furthermore the Zachary x Sheva love at first sight is even more unbelievable because we never get to see them interact before his death and the great declaration of love for one another. It's another instance where the writer does fuck all to SHOW us what she's getting at and instead just TELLS us.

“It’s set then; in two days we go and find Leon.” Chris said with a grin so huge it would’ve beaten the joker’s own smile.

That sounds creepy. The Joker is known for his smile being of a creepy nature and the fact that you just said Chris' grin would have beaten the Joker's.... You know what? For every time I run into something creepy I'm going to use this image to express my feelings on the matter;

“Leon’s done so much, you have to save him.” Claire said.

“Oh they will.” Jill agreed.

"If anyone can do it, Sue can do it!

Sheva pulled away from you as the five of you looked up into the morning sky. Hang on Leon, I’m coming for you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hmm, vhat am I going to do vith the American man*?”


the mysterious woman said while glancing at the chained man to the wall. He was unconscious sitting on the ground, while his arms where chained to the wall. His head was slightly forward, his light brown hair falling forward as his breathing was slow.

“Mistress…his name is Leon Scott Kennedy.”

Anyone who betted against me owes me twenty bucks.

Another woman said as she threw a dark glare at the unconscious man.

“Mmm, vhat a charming name for a charming man.” Her thick Russian accent mixed with her voice and it gave her a sadistic appeal.

She then noticed a piece of paper beside him as she walked over and bent down to retrieve it. Leon stirred but didn’t awake.

She read the description on the back:

Leon,

My sweet man, never again with the pińa coladas.

Love,

Karla.

p.s. love you.

Why is he carrying around such a meaningless fucking note?! Because it says "love you?" THAT'S A BULLSHIT REASON! FUCK YOU!

She turned the paper around to reveal a colorful photo;

YOU JUST SAID IT WAS PAPER NOT A PHOTOGRAPH YOU FUCKTARD!

the man obviously was Leon, he had his cheek pressed against a woman’s cheek. The woman in the photograph had light brown hair with stunning hazel eyes…the woman must be this Karla.

"Stunning?" The antagonist seriously just described another woman's eyes as "stunning?" I'm getting femme-slash vibes yet again.

She smiled sadistically as she looked into the blue eyes of the awaken man. Leon noticed the picture in her hand and he glared, “That’s mine.”

“It is isn’t it? Too bad you von’t see her again.”

*Notes:

Cybil- a movie with Sally Field playing a woman named Cybil with multi-personality disorder. Chris will be calling you that from now on.

Once again, IF YOU HAVE TO DESCRIBE A JOKE THAN IT ISN'T FUNNY. And I get the feeling later on we're going to be forced to try and see Chris calling Karla-Sue "Cybil" as charming yet I fail to see how being told people essentially think you have a mental disorder is supposed to be charming.

Vhat, and vith e.t.c -this woman is Russian, so I assume that they pronounce the words like that.

As, you know, ESTABLISHED BECAUSE WE'RE IN FUCKING RUSSIA!

New York- West point is located in New York.

And now that we've finally been revealed to the nature of Leon's plight we can put my short lived counter got to SIXTEEN counts before it was revealed that Leon was in danger. Out of four chapters it was beaten into our heads that "nothing could possibly happen to Leon! He'll come back!" in a bid to try to make it a surprise twist when it actually happened. In short doing so only ended up ruining her own twist and made the narrative even more bland and boring than it was before hand.