Illegal Operations: Russian Territories, Resident Evil Spork/Review [20]

Resident Evil: Russian Territories {Leon S. Kennedy} Pt.21 Body Heat

Fang: *blinks* "Body heat?" I don’t like where this is going… *casually sips for her soda*

Karla loves Leon, Chris loves Jill...what happens when the waters pit them against freezing temperatures?

Fang: *nearly spits out Cola* OKI! OKI, C'MERE! IT'S THE CHAPTER WITH THAT SCENE! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT BE HERE! I WILL WRESTLE YOUR ASS TO THE GROUND IF YOU DEFY ME ON THIS!

Oki: Oh God. I don't like the looks or sound of this already...

Fang: You shouldn't. You really shouldn't.

“Oh.” You replied looking to the ground as sadness clouded your mind. Chris sighed and wrapped his over sized arms around you as did Milla and reluctantly BillyBenny did too.

Fang: So, why is everyone just kinda of group hugging each other? You're all still in enemy territory, can we save this for later when it'd make more sense?

“Karla, we don’t think of you as a monster. You’re our friend, comrade, and we accept you. There’s nothing to feel guilty about except for all of the bullying. You should really stop the bullying.” Chris whispered in your ear as his warm breath nuzzled your ear.

“Yeah, your dad told me about you because he trusted me. And I don’t think differently of you.” BillyBenny admitted.

Fang: It amuses me greatly that Oscar's just running around telling random people about his daughter being violated by Umbrella.

Oki: This is like...horribly cheesy. It's not even funny how lame this is.

“They are right Karla!” Milla said happily.

“Guys?”

“Mmm?” both men said as Milla stepped back.

“Now I know why Jill hates being called a sandwich.”

“What?” they said in unison.

“BillyBenny is in back of me while you’re in front. Do the math.” You muttered as both men stepped back.

“Let’s go find the way to the Umbrella lab.” Chris suggested with a sly blush as BillyBenny was turned around obviously embarrassed as well.

Fang:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The tunnel passage way was as cold and dark as Chris remembered from the previous tunnel he had walked through once.

Fang: From basic reasoning skills I can kind of guess at what the hell Gabby was trying to say there but seriously that is some bad grammar, even for this.

He carried Milla in his left arm as his right hand carried his magnum, he looked ahead to see that BillyBenny and Karla weren’t doing that well in the friends department.

Fang: So… why is Chris carrying Milla? That's a good way to endanger her considering everything trying to kill Chris, Karla and BillyBenny. So far most things have outright ignored Milla, for whatever reasons. Carrying her like that is putting her right in the line of fire, more so than before.

“Why are you even attempting at a conversation with me?”

“Why are you such a bitch?”

“Because you’re mean!”

“Oh boo hoo.”


“Chris!!!!”

“What?” he said slightly annoyed as she turned back.

“You’re a big duchebag.”

“Why are you calling me that?” he growled as Milla pondered at the word.

Fang: If I may say a few words to Gabby15cancer in response to that drivel called dialogue...


“Vhat iz a duchebag?”

Oki: Okay. Gabby, you fail at accents. What you're writing? That's called a German accent! That is not Russian! Eat my proof!

German:


Russian:


Now, no one else make the same mistake!

“Nothing short stuff, Karla just wants to be mean because BillyBenny is.”

Fang: This just proves my point in that every character in this fanfiction is a child. What this conversation amounts down to is "He did it!", "No, she did it!"

Oki: Being as I've spoken to Gabby, her conceded and childish manner of solving issues really bleeds in her work. It's really sad actually, considering I believe she's about our age.

“Why that’s not true! I like you Chris but it’s just that you’re a duchebag.”

Fang: I would still love to know what a "duchebag" is. I know what a "douchebag" is but not a "duchebag." Is it some cheap knock off brand?

He heard BillyBenny snicker as Milla frowned, “But Karla, that’s not nice.”

Karla sighed as she slowed down to match Chris’s strides as she patted the top of Milla’s head gently, “I promise I’ll be nice to daddy.”

Chris couldn’t help the blood rush to his cheeks as he pretended to look around in order to conceal his blush.


Fang: I love how Chris is getting bashful over Karla being patronizing to him. He must like abuse.

Oki: Kinky?

“We’re walking on thin ice.” BillyBenny informed as he stopped the two of them, literally, they had to walk on thin ice and in the distance they heard a waterfall. The water had to be below 0 or even worse than that.

Fang: Would it kill you to write out the word "zero", Gabby? It would be less jarring if you did.

“Here.” Karla said as she double wrapped Milla in her own coat, god forbid if the ice were to crack then at least Milla wouldn’t freeze to death.

Fang: My only hope right now is that Karla catches hypothermia and dies.

Oki: That would be awesome!

“BillyBenny can you hold her while Karla and I check it out?”

“Sure.” Chris maneuvered Milla to the ex-Marine’s arms as both he and Karla walked carefully on the thin white ice.

“I think I heard it crack.” Karla whispered as though she was trying to keep hush about it.

“Don’t worry we’ll be ok.” He reassured as she gave him a worried look.

Fang: I actually stopped to wonder why they didn't find something to test the ice's thickness or even to wander around the thin ice patch... then I remembered we're talking about a group whose collective IQ is roughly eight.

BillyBenny watched as the pair carefully maneuvered around on the ice careful as to not upset it. He then turned to Milla as his brows furrowed, her eyes seemed to be locked in a daze as she looked at the stone wall in front of her. She didn’t blink not once and this began to upset and worry him.

“Milla?” he asked while keeping the fear out successfully.

She finally blinked at turned to him with an upset expression, “Someone is coming.”

“Here?”

She shook her head as her braid swayed with the motion, “No, the voman iz at the lab.”

“Great another enemy.” he muttered and about to tell Chris and Karla about the warning the last thing he saw was Karla falling through the freezing cold water as Chris hurriedly jumped in after her.

“Karla!”

Oki: Of course she'd fall into the ice. Cause that's not clichéd or predictable at all...That's just...I'm not sure what else to say to that aside from the fact that it's stupid.

Fang: I was more focused on the Sue-child having a vision. I was having unpleasant flashbacks to Alice in Twilight again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wesker tapped his fingers in a habit he had acquired over the years as he read the data on the large computer screen. K19 would be waking up soon, and when it awoke from its 16 year slumber it would destroy anything in it’s way including himself. He considered the option of letting it take care of the troublesome trio and the new enemy SvetlanaRosso who was coming after him. But decided against it; K19 wouldn’t even take orders from him.

Fang: Keep all of this in mind for later, folks. Also remember how important Karla was for Wesker to acquire? Well, later we'll see that that amounts to nothing. Just wait for it, guys. It'll come in time.

He heard the footstep echoing in the hallway from his dark study and figured it was Excella looking for company as usual. The footsteps stopped at his doorway but he didn’t bother to turn and acknowledge the woman.

“You’re still in your dark dingy hole aren’t you?” the familiar jovial voice of the only woman he let near him emotionally.

Fang: You know, with the release of Resident Evil 6 this year and one of the protagonists being Jake Muller, Wesker's blood-son, this gives more information as to how Gabby15cancer is now writing Wesker horrendously out of character. He has a son that he up and left without a word. He is not an emotional person who gets attached to others no matter who they are. He doesn't even give a damn about his own son or the mother of the child and anyone who had a firm grasp of his characterization even before Resident Evil 6 had come out wasn't surprised by this.

Yes, this game wasn't even announced when this was written but it helps to prove my case that Wesker is not someone one can get to grow attached to them. It's just something that will never happen, a fact of life. Like shit stinks and snow is white, Wesker will never emotionally attach himself to anyone other than himself.

Turning around in his chair he saw her smile gently as her strawberry blonde hair was cascading down her shoulders and back. She was dressed from head to toe in black same as him, her eyes a brilliant blue as they shined even in the darkness.

Fang: So... what? She has mako eyes now? Because SOLDIER candidates who are showered in mako in Final Fantasy VII have "brilliant" and "shining" eyes, you know.

“I thought you were in Africa overseeing the specimens I asked you to watch over.” He acknowledged her with that simple statement, yes he cared for her greatly but he wouldn’t admit that aloud.

Fang: ??? If that was the case then Chris and Sheva would have killed her! You can't just have no deaths in the Kijuju incident other than for Zachary! It doesn't work that way when we had three major players on Umbrella's side die in the course of RE5; Ricardo Irving, Excella Gionne and Albert Wesker!

“But I got bored without you there Whisker.” He slapped himself mentally as he narrowed his eyes at her through his black shades.

“I thought I told you to not address me by that meaningless nickname.” He said coldly.

“You did but I didn’t listen.” She said while walking over to him and standing beside him, her blue eyes that had once been his eye color long before he injected himself with Birkin’s virus.

“Hana, I didn’t want you to be here. You know why.” He said dryly and it meant to hurt her but it didn’t faze her at all.

Fang: Check it out, Oki. Hananiwa makes a cameo appearance in Gabby's shitfest.

For those who don't know - Hananiwa, also known as Hana to her friends and in many of her self-inserts, was my first sporking project. Many of her abandoned Resident Evil fics had been sporked by myself and can be found on the assassins den forums*. None of her works remain on the net aside from what I sporked as she threw a hissy fit when she found them and I refused to delete the sporks. In turn she deleted all of her works to try and safeguard herself. She and Gabby15cancer are friends and it's often that they appear in the other's works in some way, shape or form.

*due to how the Den forums works you'll have to register an account to see the sporks there. Hananiwa's sporkings over there aren't 'meaty' enough to post over here on the comm and thus the link if anyone's interested in looking through them

Oki: Of course she did. Hana and Karla are perfect for each other after all. Both morons who would simply be killed by Wesker rather than praised by him. God, just kill them both...

Fang: It just kind of aggravates me that the two Suethors don't even acknowledge that they have shitty characters and writing abilities to begin with. I suppose it's true; like attracts like.

“Albert,” just saying his name the way she did made him feel something that he had never felt before. “You know I never leave your side not now and not ever.”

Fang: ... ... SON OF A BITCH! I gotta add this twat to my flowchart! *fumes*

“Just like in Kijuju hm?” he mused as she smirked.

“Precisely.”

“Fine.” He said giving in and when he did he heard the clicking of heels against the metal floor as they neared the pair and in which sent Hana on edge.

“Mr. Wesker, I never knew you had a companion.” Excella’s smooth and deathly sex appeal voice lingered in the room.

“She is a partner same as you.” He replied which made Hana frown on the inside but she kept her blank face visible to the woman across from her.

Fang: I'm baffled as to how one would know that Hana frowns inside. How does one even frown on the inside? How is that a thing that is at all possible?

Oki: Must just take some incredible talent.

Excella’s green BROWN SHE'S GOT FUCKING BROWN EYES TOO eyes trailed from Hana’s black booted clad feet to her blue eyes, malice was held in those blue eyes for the woman across from her even though Excella shook it off as nothing more than a threat from a child.

Fang: I can infer from this that Hana is jealous and even feels threatened by Excella's presence around Wesker. And I once again have to bring up that Wesker was stated as saying in response to Excella's jealousy to Karla of Wesker's obsession over her as "Jealousy is the fear of being abandoned" (that was heavily paraphrased).

Yet here we have no mention of Hana's fear of abandonment by Wesker. In fact he makes no mention of this. This is another of Gabby's double standards. Because they are villifying Excella they refuse to use the same methods that bastardize her when Gabby and Hananiwa's characters do the exact same thing.

“I see.” Excella informed him as he kept his shielded eyes on the two silently bickering women. “How is K19?” she asked as she tore her attention away from the young woman to turn to Wesker.

“It’s sleeping soundly…for now. But I’m afraid it will awake soon, hopefully the facility in underground Nevada will hold it there until I return to the states.” With that said he returned to his work, his fingers typing vigorously over the keys and left the two women to acknowledge one another.

“Excella Gionne.” The pale woman extended her hand to Hana reluctantly as she held a deceiving smile.

Hana was no fool but she went along with it anyway.

Fang: But of course, we can't have any Sue characters being one-upped in any way possible, even if it would serve as good character development.

“Hana.” She shook the woman’s hand with faked enthusiasm.

“Play nice ladies, our partnership has just begun. Hana perhaps you can prove helpful, be a dear and rid of a few pests.”

“As you wish…master.” Hana replied sarcastically as she let go of Excella’s hand and walked out of Wesker’s study.

“How long have you known her?” Excella asked, her accent heavily lingering in every word she spoke.

“Long enough.” was his stone cold reply. Let Miss Gionne think whatever she thought of Hana it was of no concern to her what she was doing there. It appeared the sin of Envy was here in the form of Excella Gionne.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold, numb, wet. This is what it felt like to be under below zero water, you couldn’t breathe and even though your clothing was made of a special material to keep out the wet it didn’t matter. You still felt it, and the currents didn’t help.


Oki: ”A special material to keep out the wet”? Yea, fishing for any way to keep yourself in that damsel in distress place, aren't you?

Thinking you would never see the light of day again; an arm snaked around your waist and pulled you up to the surface as the currents dragged you and your savior forward.

Fang: Chris, you're doing it wrong. You hold her under the water to drown the Sue!

You gasped as you sucked in the air looking to the right you spot Chris looking around for something to hang onto, but suddenly a large icicle sticking from the rapid waters separating you two apart from each other.

Fang: I don't know about you, Oki, but this feels like the clichéd anime scene where they continually bash into rocks and shit to keep from easily staying near one another.

Oki: *huffs* Wouldn't surprise me. Gabby takes whatever she can run with, like the majority of sue authors do.

You saw the edge of the waterfall and widened your eyes in horror as you realized you were about to fall over into a bottomless ongoing pit far into oblivion.

Fang: How exactly do you know this? Sure, you could tell if there was a drop off coming but until you actually reach the edge there's really no way of knowing for sure just how far down the drop is.

When suddenly someone grabbed your hand as your legs dangled over, looking back up you see Chris hanging from his grapple on his belt

Fang: Anyone else remember that scene in RE4 where Leon was dropped down a pit with spikes at the bottom and saved himself via a belt-grappling hook? Exactly.

while holding tightly on your hand. Smiling he pulled you against the currents and to a dry surface area as you collapsed on top of Chris exhausted to no end it seemed.


“Thank you.” You said out of breath as you felt his chest rise continuously.

“We’re even.”

“Hardly.”

Fang: Silly, Chris! It doesn't matter if you're even, the Sue will still demand things of you.

Oki: I wouldn't demand things from him. *pouts*

Fang: *pats Oki on her back* There, there.

You muttered as you got up and started to ring out the water from your damp hair, he sat up and began to pull of his jacket and shirt as you turned away blushing from embarrassment.

Fang: Jesus Christ, lady, turn it down or do we need to toss you back into that freezing cold water? Speaking of, you are literally about to freeze to death, you're soaked to the bone in a wintery environment with no noticeable shelter to duck into to warm up in you should not be in the condition to be able to notice things like this. You should be worrying about how to warm up instead of ogling Chris' man meat.

“Calm down. My clothes are wet so they have to dry speaking of which you might want to do the same Cybil.”

Fang: So, I know nothing about hypothermia prevention except not to fall into cold water if one can help it in the winter so I did some research. It says at one point to "keep clothing on" to maximize your chances of survival and to get as much of your body out of the cold water as you can. The latter is now a nonissue so stripping down now? It looks like that's a bad idea all around, even if their clothes are soaked so Chris stripping down makes no sense from a realistic standpoint.

“Forget it my clothes are fine wet. I don’t mind.” Your teeth and shaking form betrayed your words.

“Karla, body heat helps. I promise I won’t try anything. I’m a man of my word.” Chris spoke softly as you nodded still turned away.

Fang: I'm getting distinct "guy trying to go all the way" vibes here.

You sighed and removed both the BETA shirt and black long sleeved half tee leaving you in your black bra, next came your pants as did his. Leaving him in his boxer briefs and you in your black women briefs. (Don’t know the name but they are kinda like boxer briefs only shorter.)

Fang: Certainly didn't take much to convince Karla to forget her modesty and strip down with a man she barely knows. On another note, the site I found earlier did mention to stay in one place until help arrives but notice something missing? Chris and Karla aren't bothering to call in that they're in a bad predicament or even trying to find nearby shelter to buffer the wind and cold. As far as we know they're still at the edge of this icy-cold river that's rough enough to drag them around easily and so is probably spraying water up into the air near its edge.

Oki: … … …Chris…


Fang: *just laughs at Oki*

You eventually turned back around only to have Chris divert his gaze he held his arms open for you and you hugged him. He was right. Body heat was the best thing, you were blushing and inwardly you hated Chris for being so…handsome and hot.

Fang: Seriously, you have been dunked into icy-cold water for (presumably) minutes at a time, your libido should be at a solid zero right now. And Chris is also in that same predicament so he has to be freezing cold too, there shouldn't be a huge different between Karla's body heat and Chris' at the moment for it to be much help. Hell, they should probably find fucking shelter and try to build a fire.

‘Bad Karla Bad! Chris is not yours!’you inwardly growled. ‘Shut up bitch!’

“How long will our clothes dry?” you asked trying to sound not bothered by the fact that your hugging Chris but alas you failed.


Fang: I don't think they realize the situation they're in. They are in Russia, in snow and ice, and have taken off their wet clothes to try and dry them in below freezing temperatures. They have no fire. Their clothes would freeze, not dry. Likewise with no outward source of warmth or anything to keep their body heat around them and combat the cold they would mostly likely catch hypothermia or pneumonia.

Oki: At this point...I would want that to happen. That's not Chris...

“I don’t know.” Chris was having problems of his own; he was desperately trying to think of Jill instead of you. Unfortunately it didn’t help. “When the clothes are dry we can jump across the ice and head back up, hopefully BillyBenny and Milla are okay.”

“Yeah…”


Oki: NKSADKASLDOASBIABOASBAUODBSAO! I HATE EVERYTHING! THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO STUPID, SO CONTRIVED, SO OUT OF THE RIGHT FIELD THAT IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO RAGE UP AND DOWN THE STREET.

THESE PEOPLE HATED EACH OTHER – WERE ARGUING NOT BUT A FEW MOMENTS AGO, AND NOW GABBY IS MAKING THEM STRIP SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE FOUND IT CONVIENT TO THROW HER SUE INTO ANOTHER DANGEROUS SITUATION THAT WOULD GET HER PITY AND APPARENTLY GUYS AS WELL?! NO, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR CONTRIVED RELATIONSHIPS, FUCK YOUR MARY, FUCK YOUR ATTITUDE AND GO DIE IN A HOLE! NOW! *storms out of the sparking chamber, breaking things along the way*

Fang:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SvetlanaRosso and the women and Leon would reach the Umbrella lab and destroy this Wesker person soon. If he interfered with her plans as Karla and Chris had, along with Billy CoenBenny Stripper (who lied about his alias) then she would have to step on him like the roach that he was.

Leon Kennedy was showing progress in his infection, barely stage one and already his eyes were changing color upon emotional bursts. Once he reached stage three into the infection there was no way of getting rid of it. He would be one of them, with powers beyond anyone’s imaginative dreams.

Hopefully, he would rid of his useless feelings for that meddling woman and instead get rid of her altogether along with her little dogs too.

Fang: Firstly, SvetlanaRosso seems to be channeling the readers and their want for Karla's death and for Leon to return to the man he was before this fic. Secondly, "with her little dogs, too?" What are you, a Scooby Doo villain?


Let's all just keep in mind this is the fifth version of this damn chart. Store that thought away for future misery.